Korean Job Discussion Forums

[eamo]

"So my Grandmother died"

Well, not mine, but my friend's wife�s. He asked me to post this just as an insight into something many won't witness.




Sadly we had the call on Friday afternoon/ early evening and what followed has to be one of the strangest events that I have witnessed. Only strange because it is so different from what we know at home, or in the western world. It is amazingly different. I am still reeling from it all really. It is also something that I hope I don�t have to go through again for a long time as some aspects of it are really quite horrible.

Koreans are pack and public animals really � everything is done together, from the birth of my son, to the countless weddings we have been to and now also the funeral I have just been party to. My son was born in what is meant to be one of the most famous hospitals and we had to listen to four or five other women moaning and screaming through their labour � not good really when my wife was in considerable pain through being induced. However, it is what is done here. The weddings I am sure we have all been to � the wedding halls where there are six other weddings going on at any one time, and eating calbi tang with families and friends of those other weddings. Not personal like we know it at home where you have 12 hours of celebrating the couple through the service and the reception afterwards and drunken chasing of bridesmaids.

And now too, I have seen that even in death, everything is done together here. 5.45 on Friday evening my wife gets the call we sadly weren�t expecting. We then had to wait until 8.45 for mother-in-law to get here, after numerous phone calls to family and friends to try and establish exactly what happened. The same in any situation really. Thus far. We changed into the darkest clothes that we have. We had to get a sitter in and off we went. I was slightly apprehensive about the whole thing, having never experienced it before.

We arrived at the hospital in Incheon at about 9.30 probably and found where we had to go � in the basement, in the far corner of the car-park through a very non-conspicuous door. Down a corridor, past a door that was marked �Students� Anatomy Lab� which I found rather disturbing in itself as we were walking into what is effectively a morgue. Through the last door, to be welcomed by several wreaths of greenery and white flowers with two banners on each, standing about 6 foot high, and into a large area. These flowers were nothing to do with us as I soon found out. The whole area was divided into 10 smaller areas, which again were divided into two, one with an altar type thing and the other with a large stocked drinks fridge and some kitchen units. There were no doors on these individual areas so everything was visible to anyone. We walked past two other families, who had placed an 8x10 size picture on the altar, surrounded by fruit on plates and more white flowers. A small table in front of every one with a bowl for incense on it. The smell of this was thick in the air.

These other families were all doing their mourning, which, as can be expected, involved a lot of crying and sobbing and wailing. We walked round until we found our allotted space and were greeted by brothers-in-law and their children. A wreath had already arrived for my grandmother. The first panic was what I was going to wear and was ushered off to the suit rental place that they have there and got fitted out with a black suit and tie. I really didn�t see the importance of it all really, but, hey, when in Rome. We then bowed to the picture of my grandmother and lit some incense.

Paperwork was being done by the family and they seemed to be on the phone for the most part. Other family members arrived and so the group mourning began with the wailing and sobbing. I guess we stayed until 11.15 and had to leave to rescue the sitters. We left our clothes in a small room that each set of rooms had to sleep in or change in, ready to change into in the morning. The family, traditionally stay there through the course of the three day funeral, someone always staying with the picture and ensuring that there is incense constantly burning. They sleep in rotation and welcome any other family members that come.

We arrived again in the morning and bowed again to the picture and lit some more incense. Changed and joined the remainder of the family. More wreaths had arrived, as had more families for other their own funerals. Maybe 6 out of the 10 areas were now occupied, resulting in a large number of people milling about. Through the course of the morning more of our party arrived, and each time someone came, my brothers-in-law had to stop what they were doing and had to welcome the newcomer. The newcomer would light some incense, bow twice to the picture and then would bow to my brothers-in-law. A few words of condolences and then they put an envelope of money in the box provided. This is the same at a child�s birthday and also at a wedding. The newcomers would then sit down and be fed hot food and would talk with the other family members. The fridge was full of alcohol and soft drinks and there was a cleaning/cooking woman allocated to each family in the �grieving� area.

This carried on until about 1pm when the family were called. I had Junior so didn�t go thankfully, but they disappeared into a room in the corner and proceeded to watch grandmother being dressed in her cremation clothes. This always happens apparently and is something that I certainly am glad I missed, whilst walking with Junior to get him to sleep. I�m not one for watching dead people being dressed really. After they came out, all in tears, the women changed into traditional clothes, black or white, which they then wore up until the end of the whole funeral.

More family came through the course of the day, all bowing, all being fed and all giving money. We left around 5.30 as we had to get Junior home and into bed, but the family would once again sleep in rotation, play the traditional card game and drink their way though the fridge. I am not sure how many came in total as I kind of lost count and also tried to take Joshua out as much as possible to avoid wailing that was coming from other families. I did happen to see one woman being carried out of the �dressing� room � she had collapsed whilst watching her deceased being dressed.

The next day, so the third day now, we arrived at about 10.30am to a very strong smell of alcohol and people sleeping in various corners and in uncomfortable looking positions around the entire area. We were due to leave at about 12pm. Everything was settled and paid for and things were cleaned up. There were 6 of these wreaths and they cost round about 200,000won, or 100 pounds, and they were left to be thrown away. We then gathered to start the journey to the crematorium. We walked through the �dressing� area to a room with about 12 body coolers against the wall. Grandmother was already out and on a trolley, waiting to be carried to the bus. Yes. Bus.

Six people lifted her out and we walked through to the car-park where the bus had it�s luggage compartment open. A small table of food was there waiting. She was put in the luggage compartment, lengthways and then bowing occurred. We all took turns and then one mass turn. I had charge of the pram and just turning round when there was a mass wail, upon instruction by one guy, maybe something to do with her final journey. She was then strapped in and everyone boarded the bus. We got in the car. Off we went to the crematorium.

The crematorium. Where to start? We were in a restaurant at the gate and bus after bus headed in. Due to the fact that someone else had booked the morning slot, I assumed it was a small private place, doing a couple of cremations over the course of the day. Oh. How wrong. The buses going in should have alerted me to this. We finished off and headed in, about an hour before our allocated time slot to be confronted by a bank of buses. This place looked more like a service station on the motorway than a final destination for the dead. People everywhere and buses everywhere.

We parked and headed in. I could hear wailing coming from the back somewhere and there were countless people sobbing and crying. One coffin was being unloaded from under a bus onto a curtained trolley. I think we paid and then seemed to mill about. There were four waiting rooms, all with a big LED display board with various names and times. We waited, more coffins arrived and more people started crying. I had walked around by this time and I was short of flabbergasted at how they do it here.

Along the back wall of the building was about 20 small booths, all with 6 seats in, similar to those at a bus stop, three facing each other. Then there was a window and a place to hold the picture of the deceased between the seats. Through the window was what looked like an elevator door. In the ones that weren�t being used, the doors where open and you could see the table that evidently went into the incinerator. Not pleasant really.

The time came and we were called. We lifted the coffin out of the bus and onto a trolley and wheeled her through. She was taken from us at a door in the middle of this row of cubicles and we were then told which one we had to go and sit in. She was wheeled to the elevator door in front of our window and pushed through onto the table. The doors shut and the tears started with various family members. Then, over the loud speaker, came the announcement that those coffins at 2.40 would be �ready� in an hour and twenty.

We waited, talked and discussed. Filling the time really. I was wandering the halls with Junior, keeping him amused, but sadly having to walk through several hundred mourning people. True to their word, after an hour or so they warned us, over the loud speaker, that the ashes were going to be collected. All the families went to their respective windows.

Along came a man. A very ordinary looking man with a cap on and a mask. He opened the elevator looking doors and there was a pile of ash. He then used, in a very delicate manner, an oversize paint scraper and a hand shovel and proceeded to push the remains of grandmother onto the shovel using the scraper. Lovely. He then walked to the end of the cubicles to the room that was marked in English and Korean. �The Pulverizing Room� was what the English read. A window and a machine on the other side.

In she was tipped and the machine turned on. We could hear the teeth grinding inside and as she was ground smaller, so the teeth stopped making that horrible noise. Then, into a box the size of a shoe box cut in half, wrapped in some material and passed through a chute. Half way through this �pulverizing� there was a power cut. Having her last say!! It was horrible. Her son-in-law then carried her picture at the front of the makeshift procession, followed by my brother-in-law carrying her, with the remnant just following in a haphazard way. Back to the bus, where she was placed on a small table at the front, specifically there for such purposes, and where everyone boarded again. At this point we left.

They went back to the hospital to get their cars and they then headed off to a temple somewhere in the mountains. I think she was going to be scattered, but don�t know the details of that. Luckily.

All in all, it was a mind-blowing experience and something that I really hope I don�t have to do again for a long time here in Korea. It was horrible. There was no sense of privacy throughout and I don�t think that the send off was really as good as it should be when someone dies. We have to deal with death, of this I know, but does it really need to be seen and or shared with hundreds of other people, all going through their own personal hell?

[crazylemongirl]

at least he didn't do the burial where they stick grandma in a bag and literally throw her in the grave.

[eamo]

[crazylemongirl]

[rothkowitz]

Yep,the OP desciption is as it happens.Though,perhaps this was a Buddhist ceremony(on account of the incense and perhaps bell-ringing at the cremation to ward off"evil spirits".The "wailing on cue" is a Confucian expression of guilt though I belive) ,my experience at the weekend for my mother in law was basically the same.

I had a small duty though,which was to carry a photo of her at 3 stages.The first as her body was being dressed at the funeral parlour as we looked through the door/plate window and literally stuffed into the coffin.The second leading the coffin to the bus,then from the crematorium entrance to the cremation plinth.Thirdly,escorting the ashes to the family tomb.

(Incidentally,there was a picture of Nicolas Cage at the cemetery with wife.Cage was in leather pants,dragon t-shirt,and cardigan.Hmm..fair enough.Was probably just Jae Sa)

Things that stoodout in the whole thing was the church group coming in at 5am on sat. and sun.morning and of course that several families were in the same basement doing the same thing.10 different rooms I think comprising altar and reception area.

Koreans give money at 2 events-times to celebrate and times to mourn

On how private it is?Not overly....but you kind of quickly just switch off.I don't believe I really focussed at all on any other family.

It would be difficult to hold a funeral any other way here.There's just such a bulk of people going through lifes' stages.

[rothkowitz]

[jaderedux]

[rothkowitz]

It is just a body by that stage.I think that's how Koreans feel.At my mother-in-laws funeral she was stuffed pretty firmly into the coffin so that they could close the lid.It's all pretty,um,pragmatically done.They have a less sentimental regard for the body than westerners might.

Lowered and allowed to fall?Doesn't quite sound so bad then.

The gift-towel.....that's wierd.