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[ddeubel]

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND

-World Health Organization officials expressed
disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the
enormous efforts of doctors, rescue workers and other medical
professionals worldwide, the global death rate remains constant at
100 percent.


Death rates since 1992

Death, a metabolic affliction causing total shutdown of all life
functions, has long been considered humanity's number one health
concern. Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities
worldwide, the condition has no cure.
"I was really hoping, what with all those new radiology treatments,
rescue helicopters, aerobics TV shows and what have you, that we
might at least make a dent in it this year," WHO Director General Dr.
Gernst Bladt said. "Unfortunately, it would appear that the death
rate remains constant and total, as it has inviolably since the dawn
of time."

Many are suggesting that the high mortality rate represents a massive
failure on the part of the planet's health care workers.
"The inability of doctors and scientists to adequately address this
issue of death is nothing less than a scandal," concerned parent
Marcia Gretto said. "Do you have any idea what a full-blown case of
death looks like? Well, I do, and believe me, it's not pretty. In
prolonged cases, total decomposition of the corpse is the result."
"What about the children?" the visibly moved Gretto added.
"At this early date, I don't want to start making broad
generalizations," Citizens for Safety's Robert Hemmlin said, "but it
is beginning to seem possible that birth-as well as the subsequent
life cycle that follows it-may be a serious safety risk for all those
involved."

Death, experts say, affects not only the dead, but the non-dead as
well.


Death has long been considered humanity's number one health concern.
Responsible for 100 percent of all recorded fatalities worldwide, the
condition has no cure.

"Those who suffer from death can be highly traumatized by it, often
so severely that it kills them," noted therapist Eli Wasserbaum said.
"But it can also be very traumatic for the still-living who are left
behind. The sudden cessation of metabolic activity characteristic of
terminal cases of death often leaves the dead person in a position
where they are unable to adequately provide for the emotional needs
of their loved ones."

In the most serious cases of death, Wasserbaum explained, the trauma
inflicted upon these still-living victims of death may continue
throughout their entire lives, until their own deaths. "Thus,"
Wasserbaum said, "the 'vicious cycle' of death trauma continues
indefinitely."

"Everybody talks about death," Sen. Pete Domenici (R-NM) said, "but
nobody seems to actually be doing anything about it. I propose we
stop molly-coddling death, not to mention the multi-billion-dollar
hospital, mortuary, funeral and burial industries that reap huge
profits from it."

Under Domenici's new bill, all federal funds will be withheld from
the medical industry until it "gets serious and starts cracking down
on death."

Consumer rights advocate and staunch anti-death activist Ralph Nader
agreed with Domenici.
"Why should we continue to spend billions of dollars a year on a
health care industry whose sole purpose is to prevent death, only to
find, once again, that death awaits us all?" Nader said in an
impassioned address to several suburban Californians. "That's called
a zero percent return on our investment, and that's not fair. Its
time the paying customer stood up to the HMOs and to the so-called
'medical health professionals' and said: 'Enough is enough. I'm
paying through the nose here, and I don't want to die.'"