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Carbon
Joined: 28 Jan 2011
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 Posted: Sun Feb 06, 2011 2:57 pm Post subject: Geek / Nerd / Tech humor |
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Post 'em if you find 'em!
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| I came here to kick ass and assign IPv4 addresses. And I'm all out of IPv4 addresses. |
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Lesser-Known Programming Languages
The Lesser-known Programming Languages #10: SIMPLE
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
The Lesser-known Programming Languages #12: LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
The Lesser-known Programming Languages #13: SLOBOL
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
The Lesser-known Programming Languages #17: SARTRE
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at parties.
The Lesser-known Programming Languages #18: C-
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
The Lesser-known Programming Languages #18: FIFTH
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using this language. |
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Final Exam
INSTRUCTIONS: Read all instructions before answering questions. Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit 4 hours. You may begin immediately.
Biology
1) Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. verify this estimation.
Economics
2) Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view , as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Engineering
3) The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to your room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
English/Literature
4) Write, from memory, in perfect english, the Webster's New Collegate Dictionary. You will find 1500 sheets of paper under your chair.
5) Compose an epic poem based on the events of you own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chauler, Dante, Norse Mythology, and the Marx Brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its merits. What could have been added/changed to make it perfect?
General Knowledge
6) Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
Geography
7) Draw a detailed map of the world showing all streets and traffic light locations. At 4:00pm GMT, what are the colors of the traffic lights?
History
8 ) Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day; concentrate especially but not exclusively on the social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
9) a) Compare and contrast the religions of ancient Egypt, Palestine, and Mesopotamia.
b) Trace the growth and development of Greek Philosophy.
c) Describe the growth, development, decline and fall of the Roman Empire.
d) Discuss, in detail, any differences or similiarities between the events in the previous three parts and their causes/effects. Provide concrete evidence.
10) Describe the history of all religions from their earliest origins to the present day. Prove which is best in a manner that will convince all other religions.
Logic
11) Using accepted methodology, prove all four of the following: That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is no little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific. Show all work.
Management Science
12) Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Implement your algorithm on either a GE 645, CDC 7600, IBM 360/195, or PDP-8. Your program should include all software necessary to support 100 interactive consoles.
Mathematics
13) Define division by zero, and its effects upon all areas of mathematics. The less effects produced by your definition, the better your grade.
14) Calculate PI to two million decimal places and, by using this result, calculate the volume of the galaxy to 1,999,999 decimal places.
Medicine
15) Behind your desk you will find a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work is inspected.
Music
16) Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Philosophy
17) Why?
18 ) If this is the question, what is the answer?
19) What is the question given that the answer is 42?
20) Take a position for or against truth. Argue your position making sure to justify your decisions.
21) Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Physics
22) Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science, plus the possible effect of electromagnetic radiations on global pollution and on the love life of radar operators who spend long periods in that environment.
23) Define the universe in detail. List three examples.
Political Science
24) On the desk behind you is a red phone. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
Psychology
25) Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
26) Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality evaluations and changes, bill yourself, and fill out all appropriate medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person on your immediate left.
Public Speaking
27) Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Sociology
28 ) Prove the existence and explain the development of the "Boy meets Girl" theory. Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Extra Credit
1. Give today's date....IN METRIC.
2. Give three good reasons why Bruce Springsteen or the New Kids On The Block deserve success.
* If you have followed instructions you will read this instruction before attempting any answers. You are instructed to ignore everything on this test except for the first and last (this one) instructions. Write your name in pig latin under the term "Extra Credit" and turn in your paper. This will result in a perfect score for you. Any other marks on this paper will negate this instruction and you will be graded according to your answers to the previous twenty-eight questions. All contents of this paragraph become null and void 120 seconds after receiving this exam.*
Good Luck. |
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Exothermic or Endothermic?
A Paper on the Temperature of Hell
The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. Therefore, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell since Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year," ... that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
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archmagos
Joined: 14 Nov 2006
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| Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 2:27 pm Post subject: Re: Geek / Nerd / Tech humor |
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| Carbon wrote: |
| I came here to kick ass and assign IPv4 addresses. And I'm all out of IPv4 addresses. |
More nerdy (and it's done the rounds):
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| An IPv4 address walks into a bar and yells "Bartender! I'll have a strong CIDR - I'm exhausted!" |
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Carbon
Joined: 28 Jan 2011
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| Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2011 4:41 pm Post subject: Re: Geek / Nerd / Tech humor |
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| archmagos wrote: |
| Carbon wrote: |
| I came here to kick ass and assign IPv4 addresses. And I'm all out of IPv4 addresses. |
More nerdy (and it's done the rounds):
| Quote: |
| An IPv4 address walks into a bar and yells "Bartender! I'll have a strong CIDR - I'm exhausted!" |
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Ha! I hadn't heard that one!
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If they made toasters ....
If IBM made toasters ...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters ...
Everytime you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you wanted your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Fisher-Price made toasters ...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters ...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters ...
Your toaster would have a secret trapdoor that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
Does Digital (formerly DEC) still make toasters ...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters ...
Their "Personal Toasting Device", which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Cray made toasters ...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If Thinking Machines made toasters ...
You would be able to toast 64,000,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Timex made toasters ...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Radio Shack made toasters ...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could by all the parts to build your own toaster. |
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crossmr
Joined: 22 Nov 2008
Location: Hwayangdong, Seoul
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| Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 4:15 am Post subject: |
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| so you just checked your email from 1996? |
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Carbon
Joined: 28 Jan 2011
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| Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 7:24 am Post subject: |
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| crossmr wrote: |
| so you just checked your email from 1996? |
"I believe everyone should strive to behave with respect when in a group. People do notice, and it does matter. "
ΔS = - log2 Pr(X=x)
Yours actually. Get a life.
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crossmr
Joined: 22 Nov 2008
Location: Hwayangdong, Seoul
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| Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 2:27 pm Post subject: |
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| Carbon wrote: |
| crossmr wrote: |
| so you just checked your email from 1996? |
"I believe everyone should strive to behave with respect when in a group. People do notice, and it does matter. "
ΔS = - log2 Pr(X=x)
Yours actually. Get a life.
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You can google. Wow.
It was a legitimate question. You'll find the humour of most of these jokes to be based on extremely old cultures for the businesses in question. You'll find the target audience of people here to be so young most won't even get it. |
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akcrono
Joined: 11 Mar 2010
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| Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 8:44 pm Post subject: |
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| I, for one, appreciate the contribution. Haven't seen most of these. |
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jonpurdy
Joined: 08 Jan 2009
Location: Ulsan
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| Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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Carbon, that's definitely a dated joke. It's still funny, though even I'm (26) too young to get some of the references regarding DEC and Thinking Machines  |
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crossmr
Joined: 22 Nov 2008
Location: Hwayangdong, Seoul
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Carbon
Joined: 28 Jan 2011
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| Posted: Thu Feb 10, 2011 5:35 am Post subject: |
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Congrats. You are a true winner.
Unbunch your TRYs already, ya wet noodle. |
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