Korean Job Discussion Forums

[mack4289]

For those who don't know The Onion, here's the link www.theonion.com. It's the most popular satirical newspaper in the US. The idea here is to write something satirical about Korea. Here's my shot at it:

North Korean Diplomats Promise to Return South Korean Diplomats� Stuff �Real Soon�

Seoul, South Korea- Sources in Seoul and Pyongyang report that the North Korean diplomatic corps has assured their South Korean counterparts that they will return the CDs, clothing items, DVDs and various other possessions they have borrowed from them �in the very near future�. The assurance was in response to the South Korean�s diplomats growing complaints that the North Korean diplomats �take forever to return our stuff.�

The North�s habit of borrowing the Southern diplomats belongings dates back to September of 1989, when the two countries began to resume diplomatic relations after a long period of almost zero communication. At the time, one Southern diplomat recalls, �we just felt so bad that they didn�t have the kind of nice stuff we did. So we let them borrow a few cassette and video tapes, plus some name brand clothing that they were very anxious to have. We figured it would be a good way to build friendships between our diplomats.�

But, as the diplomat recalls, the effect was almost entirely the opposite. �After a while, they became more demanding. They would make us feel guilty about asking for our stuff back, since it was so easy for us to replace it. We would try lying to them, telling them the things belonged to someone else and they needed it back, but even that didn�t work.�

The Northern diplomats have a different take on the situation. One of them claims , �All they gave us was the stuff they didn�t want. I guess it made them feel good, being nice to their poor Korean compatriots. What a bunch of hypocrites.�

The Northern diplomat added, �I thought friends were supposed to share with each other. If they want their crap back so badly, they can have it. If they were real friends, this wouldn�t even be an issue.�

A Southern diplomat took offense at the suggestion that they weren�t �real friends� to the North. �I let one of them borrow my watch that tells the time all over the world and I never saw it again. He claimed another friend borrowed it and he can�t get a hold of him. Then another one borrowed all my best DVDs and he keeps telling me he hasn�t watched them yet and he�ll get them back to me as soon as he can.�

But after some further contemplation, the Southern diplomat seemed to back down from his aggressive stance. �Well I guess I can just go buy new ones. They�re so poor there, the least I could do is let them borrow some things. That�s what friends are for, right?�

[Treefarmer]

haha

that was pretty good

[Lizara]

It's been done...

http://theyangpa.wordpress.com/

[coldcrush]

[Yes]

i love the onion. what a great idea for a thread. thanks for the inspiration. i'm surprised more people haven't contributed. here's mine:

*****

Area Woman Wearing �Biggest A**� Sunvisor Waygook Ever Saw

A western woman new to South Korea was taken aback this week when she saw �the biggest a** sunvisor ever� on an afternoon walk in her new dong.

Colleen McGregor, 24, stated she was on her way to her hagwon for her first day of teaching when she encountered the area woman.

�I was like, damn, that is a big a** sunvisor.�

McGregor, previously unfamiliar with completely opaque sunvisors so large they cover the wearer�s entire face and upper neck, stated, �I thought maybe she was from some kind of local SWAT team or something.�

McGregor commented on the sight to one of her new colleagues, who tried to explain that South Koreans are serious about their sun protection. �My colleague was like�yeah, if you want to ruin a Korean woman�s day, tell her she has a great tan.�

Shortly after the sighting, the foreign teacher witnessed other forms of extreme sun protection including umbrellas, elbow length gloves, face masks, and full-length leisure pants�often in combination on a single wearer�in spite of the balmy summer weather.

Waygook McGregor said she�s going to try to get some stealth photos of one of these ladies in the �crazy excessive sun protection gear�especially the visor thingy� and post it on her myspace page because she really wants her friends and family to see �this freaky Stormtrooper-looking sh**.�

�Why don�t they just put on sunblock?� McGregor exclaimed as she donned a pair of stylish sunglasses. Her fascination with the sun protection gear dimmed somewhat yesterday after she witnessed an elderly woman pooping behind a bush in broad daylight in an area park-looking place. She plans to note that event on myspace, as well.

*****

I was going to also write one about an "Area ESL Teacher Slain By Heinously Unbearable Smelling Breath of Her Students" but I'm too tired....

[mack4289]

Nice to see someone else give it a shot. Satire ain't easy, is it? Here's another one:

Korea�s Pending FTAs To Cut Into Domestic Market for Dramatic Suicides

Seoul, South Korea- Along with worries about harming their agricultural market, some Koreans are expressing concern about the effect the FTAs will have on another proud local product: attention-grabbing suicides committed in protest of these agreements.

The most famous examples of these kinds of suicides were committed by farmer Lee Kyung Hae at the 2003 WTO talks in Cancun and by taxi driver Hu Se Wook at the 2007 Korea-US FTA talks in Seoul. The former stabbed himself while the latter set himself on fire and died while receiving treatment in the hospital.

According to a spokesmen for the Democratic Labor Party, the FTAs threaten this cultural tradition. �Free trade breaks apart families and draws people to cities with the promise of great riches. They do not encourage the kind of brave sacrifices that some Koreans have made to try to maintain the traditional way of life.�

Protesting farmers at an anti-FTA rally agreed. �How can I expect my children to set themselves ablaze in protest of the inflow of foreign goods when all they dream of is getting off the farm? Who will uphold the way of life my ancestors knew for generations?�, one asked.

Some FTA supporters take a different perspective. �It�s only natural that such suicides will be passed on to poorer countries,� a researcher at the Samsung Economic Institute said. �As Korea becomes more advanced, we can leave those sorts of jobs to farmers from poorer countries who find their livelihood threatened by cheaper imported produce.�

The researcher continued, �Many of the changes that come from the FTA sound dramatic but will actually be hardly noticed when they come to pass. Right now, many people are mourning the fact that the person who throws themselves off a bridge at the next round of Doha talks will probably not be Korean. But when it actually happens, and we read in the paper that the person who committed suicide was actually a rice farmer from some poor Southeast Asian country, we�ll simply shrug and turn the page.�

[hubba bubba]

Local Waegook Found to be Source of Town's Miseries

Sasan, South Korea - A group of adjosshis have recently discovered that the arrival of a foreign English teacher is the source of all the town's woes. The tiny fishing village of Sasan was initially excited to get a native English teacher in their elementary school, but there is now a movement to get him deported.

"Before waegook, everything OK, these days, many many problems. We want him go home. And we have some protest group, OK?" said Mr. Kim, a local fisherman.

The group, which calls itself, "Puck You Yankee" holds nightly meetings at the local soju bang to discuss the problems foreigners bring to Korea, and how to best get rid of them.

"I want my son learn English, go to Havad, but I don't want waegook problem in my city. Maybe he can take a bus from different city" Said Mr. Park, who runs the most successful PC bang in the city.

When pressed about what exact problems the waegook was responsible for, a spokesman for the group said this, "These days, we have so many massage parlors. Before waegook, there was no crime in Sasang. We are fishing village, and lately the fish don't come into the net very much, and seaweed not grow as fast. Also, today it is raining, and my scooter would not start. Before waegook, none of this was a problem".

The waegook, who wishes to remain unnamed, declined to be interviewed, but issued a written statement reading, "I think I might go to Japan soon."

[BuHaoChi]

.....

[sundubuman]

the original yangpa..

http://theyangpa.tripod.com/

[mack4289]

Student Offers Cryptic Remarks After Reciting Famous "Hamlet" Soliloquy

Yongin, South Korea- An 11 year-old hagwan student, after a compelling and flawless recitation of the famous "To be or not to be" soliloquy from the third act of Shakespeare's masterpiece "Hamlet", had some puzzling answers for the Q&A that followed.

When asked about the difficulty of memorizing the passage, the student responded, "I sometimes Hamlet difficult. But study many, sleep no. Korean teacher, me, memorize. Time many many."

The answers didn't get any easier to decipher when the student was asked about their opinion of the passage. "Hamlet decision no. Hamlet happy, Hamlet sad, Hamlet is not know. Hamlet's father is die, maybe cry Hamlet."

Brian Winters, an Asian studies professor at Harvard University, put the remarks in a cultural context. "Traditionally in Asian cultures, clarity has not been valued. The ability to speak eloquently without staking yourself to a certain position is much admired. This cultural value is reflected in the student's remarks."

"In his own way, the student could be trying to re-imagine the language as his own, much like Shakespeare did," Winters added.

When contacted at home to explain his views further, the student would only say, "Study many many. One word writing 50 times. See you next time."

[BuHaoChi]

.....

[mack4289]

English Teacher Can Attribute All His Problems to Living in Korea

Seoul, South Korea- English teacher Corey Lewis has a surprising explanation for his recent weight gain, hair loss, growing drinking problem, struggles with anger management and lackluster social life: it's all because of his move to Korea.

When Lewis moved here seven months ago, he was 7 kilograms lighter, had a full head of hair, only drank occassionally and had had a few strong friendships and romantic relationships. Through logic that is sometimes contradictory and hard to follow, Lewis holds his move to Korea responsible for all the recent negative developments in his life.

When asked about the weight gain, Lewis doesn't mention any questionable dietary or exercise habits. Instead he claims, "My Western body isn't suited for the Asian diet. Koreans are used to eating rice all the time but it causes me to gain weight."

Regarding the hair loss, Lewis doesn't cite the hereditary factors that might be at play. Instead of mentioning his brother and father's similar hair loss (which, in both cases, started at the same age Lewis is now), Lewis says, "It's the pollution. Seoul is a polluted city that's only made worse by the yellow dust from China."

The excessive drinking and subsequent temper flare-ups, Lewis claims, can be attributed to work conditions. "I don't start work til 4 and I finish at 8. That leaves me with a lot of free time to go out drinking. I feel isolated just sitting in my apartment, so I go out to a bar."

Ironically, Lewis' seemingly well-paid, undemanding job also contributes to his stress, which he says makes him want to drink more. "The material is mind-numbing and no one gives me any room to be creative." At the same time that Lewis complains of lack of freedom in the classroom, he also complains of lack of guidance. "I never had any teaching training or experience. You'd think the experienced teachers would want to help me more. They never even talk to me in the office. All they speak is Korean and I'm convinced they're talking about me. The least they could do is invite me for a drink."

When the maze of contradicitions in his workplace grievances were pointed out, Lewis simply waved his hand, grunted and poured himself another soju shot, before getting into the problems with his social life.

Apparently, Lewis doesn't see any connection between his uneventful weekends and his weight gain, hair loss, binge drinking and accompanying angry outbursts. "The people here already have their cliques and I can't get into them. Everyone here is so transient, what's the point of making friends or trying to get girlfriends? The girls here are all fake anyway."

Lee Won Chul, an ethnic Korean who offers counseling to expats in Korea, says Lewis' outlook is a common one. "It's only natural that he would blame the biggest recent change in his life- his move to Korea- for the negative changes he's experienced. Whether or not his claims have merit is questionable."

Lee related something from his personal experience that he felt relevant, "Take me for example. I grew up in Los Angeles, studied at UCLA and then came here to discover my heritage or some such nonsense. Now my career and family are falling apart, all because I moved to this backwater hel*hole of a country. I really should've stayed in LA".

[duns0014]

I did one before elsewhere:
http://iluvkorea.com/index.php?option=com_joomlaboard&cgid=0&func=view&id=2615&catid=7&ff=0

[Treefarmer]

Korea in 'Best Country in the World' Revelation

In the latest study attempting to compare quality of life in the 20 richest nations, Korea has made a shock jump up the poll taking the number one spot from Belgium. The countries who usually finish highest in these surveys are Canada, Belgium and Sweden, but in this new research, conducted by Samsung, Korea came out number 1 overall.

The electronics giant claimed that previous results had been skewed against Korea, and too Euro-centric to give a fair impression, with too much emphasis on factors such as air quality, public services and free time, the latest survey had been adapted to present a more global picture, including factors such as brothels per 1000 adults, places to spit, and position in the 2002 World Cup

Proffessor Lee Hyun Woo who headed the study said that this proved that Koreas national pride could no longer be written of as unfounded, or 'a bit over the top' as is often the case by western visitors.

The young people in Busan and Seoul who we interviewed about this seemed very enthusiastic "Hello!! I LOVE YOU" one teenager commented, while his friend added "come on baby, i'm fine thank you how about you?"

The older generation seemed more sceptical about the findings "GO HOME" one drunken bypasser yelled at our reporter, before falling in the gutter and pissing himself

article continues inside

[samd]

Excellent contributions by BuHaochi and Mack!