Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[ClarissaMach]

Could somebody helping me correcting the mistakes in this composition?

By the way, is there an specific forum for those that would like to practice writting, like some kind of "Essay club"? If there is, please, let me know!

Here is the text:

Although �terrorism� has only become a common word in the daily vocabulary of most of us after the terrorist attacks that took place in New York City in September 11, 2001, it must be said that it has been happening all around the world since the second half of the XIX century. It�s used by a range of different organizations, from environmentalists concerned about animal rights to religious fundamentalists proclaiming a holy war. Discussing the causes and consequences of such phenomenon are equally important.

Before going into deeper discussion on this theme, it�s important to have in mind a clear definition of �terrorism�. According to Webster�s dictionary, terrorism means �systematic intimidation�. To this I would add that terrorism is �the systematic intimidation of civilians for political gains�, what distinguishes terrorists (that attack harmless civilian targets) from revolutionaries (that attack military targets), for example.

Some argue that the roots of this odious political device are in the global inequality in political rights. I don�t quite agree with this point of view, for some misuse this concept to �justify� terrorist acts, claiming that, till a certain extent, terrorists are only �fighting for their rights with the weapons they�ve got�. I believe that the reason why terrorism exists is nothing but radicalism; for, as far as I�m concerned, killing innocent people has nothing to do with achieving one�s political rights.

One of the consequences of terrorism is the widespread fear of new attacks. So much hysteria has been causing a lot of problems all around the world; just to give an example, we could mention the tragic case of the Brazilian man who was mistaken for a terrorist and killed by British officers. The fatal incident happened just two weeks after suicide bombers killed themselves and 52 other people on the London subway system. It makes us ask ourselves: who is to blame?

Directly connected to so much panic is the emergence of an era of surveillance. All around the world, security technologies such as surveillance cameras have been widely utilized, especially in the developing countries. If George Orwell, author of the classic �1984�, was alive, he would certainly be astonished to see how much the actual world is looking like the one he described in the book. Civilians seem to be giving up their privacy and civil rights in the name of safety (although nobody has proved yet if so much cameras are really preventing new attacks...).


An specific doubt: is it correct separate subject and predicate by commas in English?


Thanks in advance,

Clarissa Alves Machado.

[asterix]

Where I think an improvement can be made I have put the original in brackets and my suggestion in bold type.
Some of your originals are not wrong ("It 's", for example) but as this seems to be a formal composition, I suggest you keep the language formal, in case you run into an old school teacher.
I think this is a very good effort and your English composition is excellent.
Congratulations!



Although �terrorism� has only become a common word in the daily vocabulary of most of us (after) since the terrorist attacks that took place in New York City (in) on September 11, 2001, it must be said that it has been happening all around the world since the second half of the (XIX) 19th century. (It�s) It is used by a range of different organizations, from environmentalists concerned about animal rights, to religious fundamentalists proclaiming a holy war. Discussing both the causes and the consequences of such a phenomenon (are) is equally important.

Before going into deeper discussion on this theme, it�s important to have in mind a clear definition of �terrorism�. According to Webster�s dictionary, terrorism means �systematic intimidation�. To this I would add that terrorism is �the systematic intimidation of civilians for political gains�. What distinguishes terrorists (that attack harmless civilian targets) from revolutionaries (that attack military targets), for example?

Some argue that the roots of this odious political device are in the global inequality in political rights. I don�t quite agree with this point of view, for some misuse this concept to �justify� terrorist acts, claiming that, (till) to a certain extent, terrorists are only �fighting for their rights with the weapons they(�ve got) have�. I believe that the reason why terrorism exists is nothing but radicalism; for, as far as I�m concerned, killing innocent people has nothing to do with achieving one�s political rights.

One of the consequences of terrorism is the widespread fear of new attacks. (So much) Hysteria has been causing a lot of problems all around the world; just to give an example, we could mention the tragic case of the Brazilian man who was mistaken for a terrorist and killed by British police officers. The fatal incident happened just two weeks after suicide bombers killed themselves and 52 other people on the London subway system. It makes us ask ourselves: who is to blame?

Directly connected to so much panic is the emergence of an era of surveillance. All around the world, security technologies such as surveillance cameras have been widely utilized, especially in the developing countries. If George Orwell, author of the classic �1984�, (was) were alive, he would certainly be astonished to see how much the actual world is looking like the one he described in the book. Civilians seem to be giving up their privacy and civil rights in the name of safety (although nobody has proved yet (if) that so (much) many cameras are really preventing new attacks...).

[ClarissaMach]

Thanks for giving me a reply so soon, Asterix!

I'll take you advice about the contractions!