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ClarissaMach
Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 644
Location: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
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 Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 1:02 pm Post subject: H E L P ! |
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Dear teachers, I really need you to tell me if there is anything wrong in the text below:
From September 01 on, the support for [system] users at [name of the subsidiary] will be given by the [name of the project that implemented the system] support team. Therefore, doubts and possible access problems must be directed, preferably, to the [support structure], or to [another support structure].
The support structure to users at [name of the subsidiary] is divided into three attending levels:
Level 1 and Level 2 � support teams responsible for identifying problems; facilitating access; dealing with general functional doubts; identifying problems that are to be treated by the specialized teams. These teams are prepared to support users seven days a week, 24 hours a day.
Level 3 � Specialized functional team. It is composed by [name of the project that implemented the system] members. This team is responsible for treating problems related to corrective maintenances in the implemented processes, as well as solving specific functional doubts.
It is important to emphasize, that some helping information over [the system] functions are at disposal at the [library structure].
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redset
Joined: 18 Mar 2006
Posts: 582
Location: England
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| Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2006 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, let's see
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| From September 01 on, the support for [system] users at [name of the subsidiary] will be given by the [name of the project that implemented the system] support team. Therefore, doubts and possible access problems must be directed, preferably, to the [support structure], or to [another support structure]. |
I'd use onwards (or onward) instead of on in the first sentence. 'Doubts and possible access problems' sounds odd in this situation, I'd change that to 'queries and problems with access' - I think it flows a little better. You could keep 'possible' in there if you want to soften the idea that there may be access problems.
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| The support structure to users at [name of the subsidiary] is divided into three attending levels: |
I'd use 'for users' instead of 'to users'. I'm not really sure what 'attending levels' means, unless it means 'levels which attend to people'. That might be fine, I'd be tempted to drop 'attending' but that's just me 
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| Level 1 and Level 2 � support teams responsible for identifying problems; facilitating access; dealing with general functional doubts; identifying problems that are to be treated by the specialized teams. These teams are prepared to support users seven days a week, 24 hours a day. |
'General functional doubts' - a doubt is something you're uncertain about or something you're reluctant to believe. Usually with support teams you stick to questions or queries  It's just odd to hear 'doubt' in this context.
'Problems that are to be treated' - I'd use dealt with or handled. Treatment doesn't have the same feel of a direct solution.
'Prepared to support users' - this isn't really strong enough for me, if you're prepared to do something it means that you've agreed that you'll do it if necessary and possible. If this support team is supposed to be there 24/7 then they're not prepared to support users, they will support users. They weren't asked if they'd do it, they were told they have to. See the difference? Maybe they're not contractually obligated in this way, but if they are then I'd say 'these teams provide support to users...' instead.
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| Level 3 � Specialized functional team. It is composed by [name of the project that implemented the system] members. This team is responsible for treating problems related to corrective maintenances in the implemented processes, as well as solving specific functional doubts. |
'Specialized functional team' - this sounds odd, functional also means something works and isn't completely broken, so it sounds like you're saying the team actually works. 'Specialized function team' sounds better, or 'specialist team' or something like that.
I'd change 'treating' again - there are a lot of synonyms you could use which would sound better, 'addressing' would work as well as the others I mentioned.
'Corrective maintenances in the implemented processes' - this is quite technical so it's hard to say exactly what sounds right, but I'm going to assume this is all about IT support. I'd say 'responsible for addressing problems related to system maintenance' or 'application maintenance' or soemthing. Actually 'related to process maintenance' might be the safest thing to write. It's just a little awkward as it is.
'Doubts'should be changed to 'problems', 'issues' or something along those lines.
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| It is important to emphasize, that some helping information over [the system] functions are at disposal at the [library structure]. |
I'd rewrite this as 'it is important to emphasize (to users) that helpful information about [the system] functions is available at [the library structure].' You can add in the 'to users' part if you're trying to encourage them to look for themselves instead of calling support for help all the time
Your text basically reads fine, I'm just being picky for you! I hope some of the suggestions are useful at least. |
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ClarissaMach
Joined: 18 May 2006
Posts: 644
Location: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
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| Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 12:52 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks a lot! You have no idea of how much you've helped me!
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