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gloria_taipei
Joined: 17 Feb 2006
Posts: 56
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 Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 7:16 pm Post subject: Please correct these paragraphs I wrote. Thank you. |
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FYI, Di Zi Gui is the romanization of a Chinese book. Any comments are welcome. Thank you!
This is a small world filled with laughter and tears. This is a small world full of hopes and fears. In this small world there�s so much that we share. Of this small world all of us are the residents.
In this small world we live, every one of us is looking for the right spiritual direction. Let us discover in our dark turmoil the classic book the Chinese saints and sages have been carefully protected, which is Di Zi Gui. The saints and sages� wisdom not only has established the fundamental thoughts of being filial to parents and respectful to teachers; but also has forged the classic book that has been passed on from generation to generation.
Di Zi Gui helps with the spiritual growth of everyone as well as the harmony of all human beings. It is also everyone�s dream that the profound Chinese culture will bring us true happiness and peace of mind. |
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2006
Joined: 27 Nov 2006
Posts: 610
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| Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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I would only make a few changes, all in the second paragraph. (Although this passage has some features of 'poetry', I think the following comments about punctuation are still legitimate.)
1...You cannot use a comma in the first sentence because, although the first clause is inverted, both clauses can stand as independent sentences. You have 5 ways (that I can think of now) to correct this.
a) In this small world we live; every one of us is looking.........".
b) In this small world we live. Every one of us is looking.........".
c) In this small world we live and everyone of us is looking........".
d) In this small world we live in, every one of us is looking.......". (first part no longer independent)
e) In this small world we live, every one of us looking............". (no "is" and second part no longer independent)
I like e) the most.
2...In the second sentence, as it is written, you cannot say "have been carefully protected". Also the meaning of that sentence is not clear. Do you mean that "the saints and sages have been carefully protected" or that they 'have been carefully protecting' the book?
3...a) In the third sentence, "forged" is not a good word to use for this book. Do you mean that the saints and sages' wisdom has (created)(written) the classic book?
b)...In the third sentence, you cannot use a semicolon (or a comma) because it is a simple sentence, even though it is quite long. |
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Mary W. Ng
Joined: 26 Jun 2006
Posts: 261
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| Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:05 pm Post subject: Re: Please correct these paragraphs I wrote. Thank you |
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Hi Gloria,
I've taken the liberty to change quite a few of your sentences. I hope you agree with the corrections made.
This is a small world filled with laughter and tears. This is a small world full of hopes and fears. In this small world there is so much that we share. Of this small world all of us are residents.
In this small world we live in, many of us are looking for a right spiritual direction. Let us look to the teachings of Di Zi Gui, a classic book written by ancient Chinese saints and sages and passed on from generation to generation. In this book are taught filial duty, respect, compassion, integrity, universal love, and other Confucian virtues.
Di Zi Gui helps us not only to nurture our spiritual growth but also to promote harmony among different cultures. It is our hope that by practising what the book teaches, we will find true happiness. 
_________________
Mary W. Ng
Helping students learn grammar
http:www.aimpublishing.com |
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gloria_taipei
Joined: 17 Feb 2006
Posts: 56
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| Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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| 2006 wrote: |
I would only make a few changes, all in the second paragraph. (Although this passage has some features of 'poetry', I think the following comments about punctuation are still legitimate.)
1...You cannot use a comma in the first sentence because, although the first clause is inverted, both clauses can stand as independent sentences. You have 5 ways (that I can think of now) to correct this.
a) In this small world we live; every one of us is looking.........".
b) In this small world we live. Every one of us is looking.........".
c) In this small world we live and everyone of us is looking........".
d) In this small world we live in, every one of us is looking.......". (first part no longer independent)
e) In this small world we live, every one of us looking............". (no "is" and second part no longer independent)
I like e) the most.
2...In the second sentence, as it is written, you cannot say "have been carefully protected". Also the meaning of that sentence is not clear. Do you mean that "the saints and sages have been carefully protected" or that they 'have been carefully protecting' the book?
3...a) In the third sentence, "forged" is not a good word to use for this book. Do you mean that the saints and sages' wisdom has (created)(written) the classic book?
b)...In the third sentence, you cannot use a semicolon (or a comma) because it is a simple sentence, even though it is quite long. |
Thank you, 2006, for pointing out the grammatical mistakes.
In 1, I choose (e) because that's what we need.
In 2, I meant to write "have carefully protected".
In 3, I will change it to "has helped created" and use comma instead of semicolon.
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2006
Joined: 27 Nov 2006
Posts: 610
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| Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 7:43 pm Post subject: |
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You are welcome.
You cannot say "has helped created". You can say 'has created' or 'has helped (to) create'.
I meant that I would not use a semicolon and also would not use a comma in the last sentence of paragraph two. |
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gloria_taipei
Joined: 17 Feb 2006
Posts: 56
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| Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 7:56 pm Post subject: Re: Please correct these paragraphs I wrote. Thank you |
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| Mary W. Ng wrote: |
Hi Gloria,
I've taken the liberty to change quite a few of your sentences. I hope you agree with the corrections made.
This is a small world filled with laughter and tears. This is a small world full of hopes and fears. In this small world there is so much that we share. Of this small world all of us are residents.
In this small world we live in, many of us are looking for a right spiritual direction. Let us look to the teachings of Di Zi Gui, a classic book written by ancient Chinese saints and sages and passed on from generation to generation. In this book are taught filial duty, respect, compassion, integrity, universal love, and other Confucian virtues.
Di Zi Gui helps us not only to nurture our spiritual growth but also to promote harmony among different cultures. It is our hope that by practising what the book teaches, we will find true happiness. |
Thank you, Mary. You write well and have captured the essence of our thoughts. I like your paraphrases. Since my job is to translate the Chinese into English, and the original and the translation will be showed in our performance, I don't have much liberty in my translation. I can use one sentence though: Di Zi Gui helps us not only to nurture our spiritual growth but also to promote harmony among different cultures.
Thank you so much. |
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gloria_taipei
Joined: 17 Feb 2006
Posts: 56
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| Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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| 2006 wrote: |
You are welcome.
You cannot say "has helped created". You can say 'has created' or 'has helped (to) create'.
I meant that I would not use a semicolon and also would not use a comma in the last sentence of paragraph two. |
Oops, that's right. I'll write "has helped create" and not use a comma as well.
Thanks again. |
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