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120steven
Joined: 12 Nov 2006
Posts: 4
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 Posted: Sun Dec 24, 2006 3:59 am Post subject: Can you make the following pagrgraph more presuasive? |
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Would you please make the folloing paragraph more presuasive and attractive? ....Thanks..
There is no doubt it pioneers a clean design in the bathroom with simplicity as the main focus. Its modern cross head offers a truly minimal tubular design with a simple appeal. Made from solid brass with a shiny chrome finish, the smooth quarter turn action displays precision and total quality. The chrome face plate gives a clean modern look and feel to the bathroom. As you can see, our product is set to deliver modern efficiency, style, and innovation for the discriminating buyers today. |
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Lorikeet
Joined: 08 Oct 2005
Posts: 1877
Location: San Francisco
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| Posted: Sun Dec 24, 2006 9:49 am Post subject: |
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| I'm afraid I can't make it more persuasive and attractive, but I can fix one sentence. The last one reads, "As you can see, our product is set to deliver modern efficiency, style, and innovation for the discriminating buyers today." I think it would be better to say, "As you can see, our product delivers modern efficiency, style, and innovation for the disciminating buyer." |
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