Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[ClarissaMach]

I need you guys to answer this question with as much honesty as possible. Please, don't answer thinking of the way one should act, but about the way you yourselves would actually act.

What would you do if the one you love started to act strange, like he/she is not feeling the same anymore (although he/she himself/herself hasn't noticed it yet?)? Would you give up this relationship in the name of your self-love and pride, or would you fight until the end?

Is it worth fighting for the love of someone who doesn't seem to love you back the same way?
_________________
Stormy Weather.

[ad-miral]

I never had such an experience.
I think it depends on the concrete case. If he/she is not feeling the same any more because he/she changed from a good lover to an ultimate gigolo/whore, then I'll definitely leave her.
If she is not feeling the same any more because of an argument we had, then I will try to say sorry to her at the next day, maybe with some nice presents.

[Bob S.]

Maybe we need some clarification. Strange how? Mental illness strange? Like depression or bi-polar? If you are just dating, there is no commitment, so you don't have to stay if you are uncomfortable. I would probably stay for a little while to see if they are getting psychiatric help to get better. If they don't willingly volunteer to get help, I would leave.

If he/she does not appear to feel the same anymore, that is no big deal by itself. All relationships change as they mature. A couple that has been married for 10 years can love each other deeply but not act the same as a couple who just started dating and are still goo-goo eyed infatuated. So the question is, HOW are they feeling and what does that look like? Are they peaceful but happy? Do they act suspicious like they have a dirty secret? Do they appear bored with you?
_________________
"It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood." -- Karl Popper

[beancurdturtle]

First I would have to know if the person feeling snubbed is a man or a woman.

Men are kind of clueless to changing attitudes in their partner unless the changes are REALLY obvious. By the time a man notices, things are usually off track by a bit. Then he should examine himself to first figure out why he missed the clues. Then he should go to his partner and apologize for missing the clues, and ask his partner to tell him what she is FEELing and why she feels that way. Then he should be prepared to listen and understand before reacting. Her feelings will be very real to her, even though there is not always considerable thought behind them. Sometimes just this little thing, listening maybe even without a response will help his partner FEEL appreciated, and the issue will be solved.

Women on the other hand just need to have a FEELing something has changed, even if their partner's behavior and attitude is substantially unchanged. Then she should examine herself to see if there are other challenges in her life, or her own fears or dissatisfaction in the relationship, that may be influencing her feelings. Then she can go to her partner and tell hem she feels like something may be distracting him from the relationship, and tell him it's just a feeling, not a criticism. Then ask him to tell her what his THOUGHTS are. Usually men can share their thoughts even when they have no idea what their feeling are. Then she should be prepared to listen to his thoughts and understand how they may influence his apparent attitude and behavior. Sometimes just this little thing, him being willing to share his thoughts and her listening and accepting, will explain what she feels is a change in attitude, and the issue will be solved.

The best answers will come when a woman is asked to share her feelings, and a man is asked to share his thoughts. Thoughts and feelings can be very similar, we men and women just process them differently.

If it's just a misunderstanding, this can help clear it up. If the issue is real and significant, this can help bring it into the light where it can be examined and solved if both people have the heart and will to solve it.
_________________
Daniel

�Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.�
--Dr. Seuss

[RedRose]

[ClarissaMach]

Turtle, you're always surprising me. Your words are vey sensible. I did exactly what you said a woman should do; unfortunatelly, I wasn't prepare to hear what I heard. I guess I loved too much, more than I should... but, this is past now.

RedRose, I wish I could be just like you. But I guess I'm still too childish. I wish I was the kind of girl who would enjoy the "single's way of life", but I guess I'm not... may be I'll learn as time goes by.
_________________
Stormy Weather.

[beancurdturtle]

[ad-miral]

hahaha, like a mass- therapy- center for singles?
_________________
If I say "I love you" to someone, then I also have to say "I also love everyone else inside you, I love the whole world because of you, I also love myself inside you." -- Erich Fromm, the Art of Love

[Bob S.]

[RedRose]

I agree Bob. yeah, ClarissaMach, you don't have to learn. everyone has his/her own lifestyle. marriage is suitable for some people like you, but not for me.

When I fall in love with someone, I won't date someone else, I will just spend time with him, share ideas, happiness and sadness, but won't get into marriage. I just don't fit in.

[beancurdturtle]

[RedRose]

[beancurdturtle]

[RedRose]

haha! you mean, I pretend not to want marriage when I actually do? nice try

[ClarissaMach]

Guys, you help me a lot. Thank you all very much!
_________________
Stormy Weather.