Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[ClarissaMach]

Here I am again!

This time, I had to write a 220-260 words composition answering the announcement below:


GREAT SCIENTISTS COMPETITION

We are planning a series of TV programmes about the 10 greatest scientists of all time. Which scientist would you nominate to be included in the series? Write to us describing this person�s achievements and explaining why you feel he or she should be included.

Write you competition entry.


Here follows my text:

The 10 greatest scientists of all time - Charles Darwin

One of the greatest scientists of all time is surely Charles Darwin, who managed to develop and scientifically prove the natural selection theory. According to this, all species � including us, human beings � evolved from a common ancestor, through an adaption process to natural conditions over time.

Once I have been to an exhibit about him and I was very impressed to learn about his five years voyage around the world embarked on the ship Beagle. It would be something hard to do nowadays; imagine during the 19th century! This experience allowed him to do some of his most important discoveries.

He managed, for example, to compare animal and plant species and also rocks (actually, fossils) from the African and American coasts, noticing they seemed to have some kind of ancient connection, what might have proved that both continents had once been one. During this time, he had also been to Brazil (my country) � an awful experience for him, it seems: in his personal diary, he said he would never set his foot again in a slavery society like the Brazilian 19th century one.

Unfortunately, he fell ill sometimes during the voyage, and it seems he acquired a disease he had to live with for the rest of his life. Nonetheless it did not prevent him from producing very important works over natural selection, such as �On the origin of species�. For all his contributions to Natural Science and his strength of will, I think his worthy the nomination to be included in the series about the 10 greatest scientists of all time.
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Stormy Weather.

[tyreless]

Hello Clarissa my regards to Brazil, I had a look at your composition and there are a few changes I would make. Like BobS I marked in olive the parts I would delete and in bold my sugestions. Please also look at the notes at the bottom of the page.

The 10 greatest scientists of all time - Charles Darwin

One of the greatest scientists of all time is surely Charles Darwin, who managed to develop and scientifically prove the natural selection theory. According to this, all species � including us, human beings � evolved from a common ancestor, through an adaption process to natural conditions over time.

Once I have been went to an exhibit exhibition about him and I was very impressed to learn about his five years voyage around the world embarked on the ship Beagle. If it would be something hard to do nowadays; imagine even more so during in the 19th century! This experience allowed him to do some of his most important discoveries.

He managed, for example, to compare animal and plant species and also rocks (actually, fossils) from the African and American coasts, noticing that they seemed to have some kind of ancient connection, suggesting what might have proved that both continents had once been one. During this time, he had also been to Brazil (my country) � an awful experience for him, it seems: in his personal diary, he said he would never again set his foot again in a country that permited slavery as was the case in 19th century Brazil slavery society like the Brazilian 19th century one.

Unfortunately, he fell ill sometimes during the voyage, and it seems he acquired a disease he had to live with for the rest of his life. Nonetheless it did not prevent him from producing very important works over on natural selection, such as �On the origin of species�. For all his contributions to Natural Science and his strength of will, I think his worthy the nomination he deserves to be included in the series about the 10 greatest scientists of all time.

Notes:
have been - went present perfect is used if the result of the action is still relevant in the present. To tell action in the past simple past is normally used.
an exhibit is the item displayed on an exhibition.
on the ship Beagle: with ships the word "ship" is not used. Compare "the Titanic", "the QE 2"
If it would be something hard to do nowadays; imagine even more so during in the 19th century! Your version isn't wrong but could be a bit stronger. Remember that in written language we can not use intonation to emphasize a point.
He managed, for example, to compare animal and plant species and also rocks (actually, fossils) from the African and American coasts, noticing that they seemed to have some kind of ancient connection, suggesting what might have proved that both continents had once been one.
This is a very long sentence. The use of "what" is problematic here as it is not very clear what "what" actually refers to. Better to use a continuous form as you did with "noticing".
"set foot" is a very niece expression and very suitable for expressing Darwin's decision not to return to Brazil. Unfortunately it can only be used when talking about a place, not a society.

Please don't let yourself be discouraged by my sugestions. The composition has a very good build-up and if it sometimes sounds bit odd then this is also due to the fact that you don't settle for easy and safe ways of expressing something, but experiment and try to find better ways of saying it. Keep up the good work and though writing compositions is hard work it is a very good method of practicing and learning a language.
David
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Consume less - live more

[ClarissaMach]

Discouraged? No, David, no way! You can�t imagine how much thankful I am for you to help me correcting my text!

You know, I am from a country where people don�t show much regard for books. One is rarely able to write an appropriate text even in Portuguese , imagine in a foreign language! In spite of it, I�m always trying to do my best, and this is why I�ve decided to write a composition in English once a week as a way of practicing.

Thanks once more and thanks also all the other teachers that have helped me so far!


(By the way, if you find any errors in my answer and feel like correcting it, be my guest!!!).
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Stormy Weather.

[tyreless]

Hello Clarissa you're more than welcome and though it's not a real consolation very few people in Europe really read and sometimes I wonder wether they still think.

Also from me thanks to all students and teachers for providing such a wealth of genuine questions and good answers to think about.

Don't want to be a stickler but "(very) thankful" is more than enough. "Much" doesn`t work.
David :
Over and out. I'm off to bed.
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Consume less - live more

[ClarissaMach]