Dave's ESL Cafe's Student Discussion Forums

[nawee]

Hello,

This is my first attempt at a poem. I was told that grammar is more "fluid" in poems. I wonder if these two sentences work in a poem. And should I have a full stop at the end of each sentence?

I spy the moon shining so bright.
I spy the stars that are giving light.

Thank you.

Nawee

[educe22]

As written, the sentences are individual complete thoughts and deserve a period. Poems seem to have fluid punctuation as well as grammar.

My only comment is that repeating "I spy" in both sentences might appear amateurish to some due to its repetition.

I might have written:

I spy the moon shining so bright,
And the stars that are giving light.

But poetry is personal, do whatever strikes your fancy.
_________________
Educe22

[Lorikeet]

You are right that poetry is very personal. I liked the "I spy" repeated. I might have done something like this:

I spy the moon shining so bright.
I spy the stars giving out light.

[redset]

I liked it too, the 'giving light' part is a nice phrase especially.

Just as an idea, you could swap the moon and the stars in those lines - 'giving light' sounds like providing light so that people can see, even though it's still quite dark at night! Stars shine but they don't really provide much light down on Earth, not as much as moonlight does, so you could also talk about the stars shining and the moon giving light.

Of course you might mean it a completely different way, the stars giving us a beautiful display of light to look at, so you have complete freedom here Also your poem is light years ahead of the first (and last) poem I wrote in Spanish (it was actually a song, I'll spare you all).