overall teaching concerns

[nazarene]

Hello all,

I think I'm in the wrong profession. To a degree, I don't think like I fit in with other teachers, as a professional, especially the women, although socially there is no issue. It just feels I guess like something is not natural, even when I follow a given program perfectly by the letter. I'd like it to come more naturally, for everyone's benefit. I taught in Poland and in Turkey. In Poland I liked the style a lot and I did good there (I would do even better now!) because I used direct method, and that I fit with better. It is more my style and personality. In turkey I just kind of faked my way through, and the school or students didn't really care because it was not really high standard. Now I'm in Germany about to start, but what I really want to do is get married and have a family. I've discovered my dream job is simply to be a good husband and father- everything else is just details but I'm here now and I have to rise to the high German standards- a place and a people whom I respect and admire intensely!

I love traveling. My strong point is relating to people and learning their language, their culture, which is why I decided on this path, wanting to see the world, not having any other ideas.

I've discovered the value of dressing smart! I'm also discovering the value of having a sort of healthy confidence, appropriate to one's levels, that can really make the difference between succeeding and failing towards one's clients and management, and people in general.

Students, I think, also kind of want one to be an authority in the class, or a benevolent authority, at least a male teacher, more than they want a buddy- at least that is what gets me results. This brings up another point- the job may not come naturally to me, but on the other hand, it really develops my weak sides and my mind and personality. If I don't utterly fail- that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right?

I think- this is just my view anyway- for a male teacher, one has to learn to be a little dominant in the class, as in relating to women very often. It kind of depends I think on the attitude of the learners, but I think it's important to be able to be this if necessary- kind of Connery-esque if you will. This plus dressing smart plus a little bit of that healthy "positive" confidence, plus and showing up on time- that's probably half the battle, and now I have a certain style figured out. I used to think this was all superficial but now I am good at it, cheaply and easily and I am converted.

Now on to competence itself: half of this success is probably developing or being given a good program to use. The other half is applying that program. I find it a challenge to have to take on the role of preparer or lesson planner. Why is that? I also find it hard sometimes to apply my plans, let alone improvise in the class. I always fear running out of things to do and having to much time! I image all eyes being on me, as I slowly, or quickly disappoint everybody. God, that scares me! Maybe I have excessively high expectations of myself, which puts pressure on me. Maybe I even have excessively high expectations of students.

Anyway, it is a challenge for me at times, and it hasn't always gone well. I would love to master it before I call this profession quit. Maybe I will master it someday. I do think I am learning and growing but still, I sometimes feel like I'm faking, like I'm even a fraud!

If I can find a woman and move back home and build a career, I would do that as I start a new decade in my life, 31+. For the moment I will try to meet the expectations of my clients and employers in all aspects- dress and conduct and notably, class performance.

I surely have deep-seated performance anxiety, but is it necessarily irrational? You'd be anxious if you had to fly a plane, wouldn't you? Flying a class I guess seems in many ways like flying a plane- you have to keep track of so many things going on. My friend is teaching in Taiwan plus studying his pilots license. I should ask him about that. I was probably spoiled early on with the direct method. I don't believe it's for everybody, but again I think it spoiled me greatly.

Also, I'm a total bachelor. If I had a wife or gf, someone I can take care of ones in a while and give my love to and give my life extra meaning and color, that would probably support me emotionally from the stresses and pressures of my job. I'm sure I could get one if I was open for a short term relationship, but I only want to save myself from now on for marriage.

So, I'm a bachelor struggling at work in a foreign land- a land and a lifestyle I like in many ways but which starts to get difficult at times. Nobody says you have to like your work, but you've got to do it, got to bear it, at least until you have other work. (what color is your parachute?)

I can also work on changing my personality, to be less outspoken and more "emotionally conservative" like the German or British we can say. In fact I am trying to be more private and reserved and socially conservative, which seems like who I really am deep down. I'm still trying to discover that, because I think in many ways, my true self is still repressed.

I just don't want to let my students or employers down and I'm afraid of that happening. They are so nice. They all have been so nice. They almost all have been attractive women, and most of them very sweet.. and the students I want to make happy as well.

N