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[Shaman]

For any of those out there in need of a giggle (or two).



Shaman

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Airline Announcements

The year they stopped all smoking on airlines, I was on a trip to Antiqua, when the pilot announced-as we were half way across the ocean-in a very serious gruff voice..."anyone caught smoking will be asked to leave immediately".......the whole cabin roared in laughter!
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On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a somewhat "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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Upon landing, a Westjet stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
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Also from Westjet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!"
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"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at LaGuardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines flight crew member: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
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The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel free to take them home with our compliments."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
******************* "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
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Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just after a very hard landing in Edmonton, Alberta: "That was quite a bump, and I know what you're all thinking ... I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt."
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
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A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago, that on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for flying our airline." His comments indicated that, in light of the poor landing, he avoided eye contact with the passengers in an attempt to avoid any smart comments that might result. Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first officer and said,

"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways."
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said; "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee, which ended up spilling in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!
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[Guest]

Very good Sharman, particularly for those of us taking a long flight shortly!

[Kurochan]

This is a true story, but there's no way to tell it without being pretty obscene. So use your own discretion in reading. A friend from my grad program actually was there when this happened, on a flight to LA, and a few years later she saw the exact same thing in a movie. Some film writer must have been on board, and put the story in his film.

Here's what happened ...
It was an early morning flight. Soon after takeoff, the pilot came on the intercom and gave that standard spiel, "Hello, I'm ______, I'll be your captain today. We're at __,000 feet, the weather is clear, and we'll be landing in L.A. at 11:00 a.m." The guy apparently thought he turned off his microphone, because a second later everyone heard him say to the copilot, "You know what I could use right now? A bl**-job and a cup of coffee." A male flight attendant got up and started running toward the cockpit to tell the captain the mic was still on, and one of the passengers yelled at him, "Hey, you forgot the coffee!"

[lagerlout2006]

I am trying to commit suicide by plane crash but having no luck...A couple more domestic Chinese flights might do it..A couple of years ago a Chinese pilot crashed a plane into a Korean mountain. There were some survivors. Nowadays flights are pretty smooth. When I was a kid (I am 40) "a bit of turbulance" meant the plane would practically turn upside down. The barf bag was often necessary.

Really I love flying now but I am a nervous flyer. Actually I am a drinking flyer. My favorite is Thai Air. I went to Bangkok at 10 in the morning. The captain said--and I quote--we will have a few cocktails before lunch...OK. 6 hour flight and I was drinking beer mugs full of red wine. And the food was even good...Medium rare steak with...Cathay Pacific is pretty good also...But Thai Air insist on getting you smashed and put you to sleep. God bless them.

[stillnosheep]

Best airline story I ever heard:

Chaos at Heathrow. Flights backing up. Everybody getting fractious. At check-in a couple of young employees are dealing with a long queue of people, re-arranging flight plans and trying to get everybody to their destinations asap.

Gentleman in a suit walks straight past the queue and up to the desk, demanding immediate attention. Repeatedly asked to wait his turn, repeatedly he continues his interruptions; finally drawing himself up to his fulll height and screaming

"Don't you know who I am?"

at the staffmember whose work he has interrupted.

Exasperated and wanting to get on with her job she turns on the desk microphone asking, over the tannoy

"Could the duty doctyor please make their way to check-in numbber xyz. Doctor to check-in xyz. We have a gentleman here seemingly unaware of his own identity. Thank you"

and turns to the next person in the queue. The "gentleman" turns and mouths a barely audible "F*ck you" to the girl at the desk, at which she smiles sweetly, replying,

"there's a long queue for that and you are right at the back of that one as well."

Ouch!

[johnslat]

Dear stillnosheep,
Your user-name intrigues me - and I may have an answer to your problem:

http://www.electricsheep.org/index.cgi?&menu=about

Regards,
John

[Gordon]

These came from my wife who used to be a flight attendant at Canada 3000. Boy do I miss those free flights.

What do old flight attendants have between their bre@sts?
Their naval.

Why do old flight attendants like to do the bar service?
Because the trolley doubles as a walker.

What do pilots use for birth control?
Their personality