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Alitas · Joined: 19 May 2003 Posts: 187 Location: Maine

It's been a rather crap week here in New England. One of my students killed himself. It was an impulse act, no one could see it coming.

So what do you do when a kid you rather enjoyed teaching every day is gone?

Bet · Joined: 14 May 2004 Posts: 354

I don't know what you can do, other than grieve and talk to the other students about it in an honest way. That will help both you and them. You might wish to express your condolences to the family by making a card or other tribute with the class.

In Hong Kong (but not only HK) teachers tend to speak of such events scornfully, seeing suicide as shameful and a display of "weakness".

My sincere sympathies.

latefordinner · Joined: 19 Aug 2003 Posts: 973

My sympathies, Alitas. Not much you can do, except the obvious; offer comfort and solace to friends and family. Share your grief as is practical, circumstances vary. Gently help the kids move on.

Ludwig · Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2004 3:55 pm Post subject:

'Alitas', sorry to hear the bad news. I too have experienced this and it is far from nice.

I taught in one of the most 'advanced' and 'developed' states in the world that, by any objective measure, has one of the highest standards of living in the world, namely, Finland.

Suicide in Finland, however, is far from an uncommon event. Indeed, you may well be surprised just how 'widespread' it really is. Over the last decade, for example, 20.4 out of every 100,000 Finns has taken their own life.

It is somewhat challenging to think of any truly 'constructive' advice. However, what I would say is that everyone dies - that much is clear. We simply do not know when it is to be. Some people, however, take it upon themselves - for whatever reason - to decide the time and place and manner of death for themselves.

Is there more to it then that? Yes, I think so. Are these areas worth exploring? I think not.

Never feel guilty about what you 'may have done' to 'prevent' such an act. After all, someone capable of taking their own life is capable of talking to someone about their situation if they want to.

Teacher in Rome · Joined: 09 Jul 2003 Posts: 1286

A friend of mine committed suicide, and I remember the feelings of guilt too clearly. I agree with Ludwig in that there's nothing that you can have done to have altered this person's terrible decision.

Was the student suffering from an illness before they took their life? If this was the case, maybe it would be helpful for you and your students to explore this in such a way that you can all try to come to terms with why the student committed suicide. (My friend was a manic depressive, and I could understand her death more easily once I'd understood that her moods of despair went in cycles.)

Is there anything that you can do as a class to honour the memory of your student?

My heart goes out to you Alitas - it cannot be easy to manage a class in such a difficult situation.

The Great Wall of Whiner · Joined: 29 Jan 2003 Posts: 4946 Location: Blabbing

It hurts.

I have had not one, but two people close to me end their lives.

One, my best friend's older brother, was always a role model for me. I very much doubt I'd be a teacher today if not for him.

I felt rage at first. Why would he remove himself from our lives? So very selfish of him.

But then I realized that he was hurting inside. He loved his wife too much to lose her. When she walked out on him for another, I truly know how he felt as I too had a wife cheat on me (although I was ultimately the one who walked out on her).

Contrary to what most people think, suicide is rarely preventable, and guilt will not bring them back.

Just remember the good things about them, and honour their memories.

Will. · Joined: 02 May 2003 Posts: 783 Location: London Uk

To echo others...
You feel bad, the students feel worse, you talk to us, who talks to them?
Keep an eye on them, sometimes a reaction may stay below the surface. and they think they are in control of themselves. but it is in your class that the sentiment is re-evoked. I have had students faint in class days later/ after hearing the news. Be prepared for a similar situation and how to deal with it. Who is the MO in your outfit?
Chin up.

Alitas · Joined: 19 May 2003 Posts: 187 Location: Maine

Thanks for the replies.

This boy came from a small feeder school. I've made a point to talk to the kids that came up with him and I think they appreciate that.

As for the other kids, we take it one day at a time. I've kept a normal schedule, but have sent students to see grief counselors, and when the kids want to talk about C., I let them. We all express general sadness, and not understanding why he would do it.

The board in the hallway is filled with tributes. In fact the first day, most of his classmates just sat in front of the board, added their memories, and held each other. Pretty impressive for 14 year olds. We teachers loitered around them with tissue boxes and several counselors were on hand.

The hard part for me is going home at night and seeing his laughing, smiling jovial face in my brain before I sleep. I just don't understand his motives. I miss him, although we had nothing more than a student/teacher relationship.

Thanks again for kind responses, I truly appreciate the support from you, my colleagues.

4nic8r · Joined: 18 Mar 2004 Posts: 68

While I know it's not the same thing, I once lost 20 kids from the same class to a traffic accident.. half of the class.. it was absolutely horrible and having to go back in and look on the rest of the kids faces for the next year and a half, it was the hardest thing I ever did... a lot of the rest of the kids still had scars from the accident, and still do to this day... easily the worst thing that has happened during my teaching days...

I feel for ya.. I know what it's like to go through it...

garbotara · Joined: 15 Sep 2003 Posts: 529 Location: China

My father committed suicide and as did a dear friend a few months ago.I understand how you feel.If you need to chat PM me.

Kurochan · Joined: 01 Mar 2003 Posts: 944 Location: China

That's really awful! My condolences to you and your students.

I've been walking on eggshells a bit this year, afraid of that, because three Normal College students killed themselves at my school last year, and now I'm working at the Normal C. I've vetted the materials I've shown them, tried to make sure the films in my film class weren't too depressing, etc. Now it's finals time and I have to fail a girl for cheating blatantly, and I'm worried about it. That's one of the bad things about being a teacher.