Job Discussion Forums

[Sweetsee]

If you were going to write a piece, for your mostly girls senior high school paper to be distributed after the summer break, what would you write about?

[PAULH]

[Sweetsee]

Thanks Paul,

I like the mobile phone topic. Read any good articles about it?

[PAULH]

Not really one on Japan but a magazine article sent from home had an article about textmessaging by high students. Some people send 500-1000 a day I believe and get thoroughly addicted to them. How they wont go anywhere without phones and how they multitask using their phones. Im pretty sure Mainichi Waiwai must have had something too.

[Sweetsee]

I welcome all comments on this rough draft of my piece for the paper:


It was the first use of language that allowed our ancient ancestors to develop methods of survival, which enabled them to flourish, and signaled the dawn of civilization. Hunting methods communicated through language allowed humans to take their place at the top of the food chain. With no predators to fear and an abundance of wild game to feed on, man set out from Africa to create what today we call the human race. Conversely, the inability to communicate and a reliance on modern technologies such as mobile phone use and text messaging have reversed the course of development and lie at the root of a social malaise affecting Japanese society.
Crimes including teenage prostitution, murder, and rape have all risen dramatically. Mobile phone use can be directly related to a startling increase in violent crime in Japan. Dating sites where victims arrange to meet their attackers were visited by 37% of males and 20% of females surveyed. Since 2001 victims of these crimes have risen 2.2 times to 1317 cases reported in 2003.
The shocking news of Satomi chan�s tragic death at the hands of her fellow classmate provides a chilling account of the current crisis. This is only one isolated event among a population where 80% of high school students own mobile phones and whose use is generally unrestricted by anyone. A comment made by the victim in an Internet chat room was the motivation cited for this heinous crime according to the 11 year old killer.
Everywhere you go you can see people staring into mobile terminals. Driving, cycling, walking and on public transportation the phone has become an ever present extension of the human hand. Witness the instinctual whipping open of the devices upon boarding. The human processes of thought and introspection have been replaced by the exchange of trivial text messages. Individuals flittingly dial up numbers in search of answers to questions they no longer seem willing or able to answer for themselves. It is this very process of reasoning that sets man apart from other living things and his failure to do so that plays host to moral decay.
It is painful to witness a society that seems to place minimal worth on face-to-face daily communication with family, friends and fellow human beings. The skills that man developed that enabled him to colonize the world are all but ignored today. The exchange of feelings, emotions, experiences and ideas through spoken language is known as oral communication and appears to be headed the way of the dinosaurs. Japanese poet Osada Hiroshi wrote, � Once again, our excesses of affluence and good intentions are killing living things. �

There you have it and in dire need of editing as I am sure my structure is non existent and I have been told it is to big or long for the limited space allotted.

I appreciate any and all comments or criticisms.

[Tonester]

Well I can see your point about a lack of communication thereof can be harmful to a society- in this case Japan but what confuses me is that one minute your esay talks about civilisation and language and next it suddenly brings up crime due to the influence of mobile phones. Then it suddenly twists about Satomi's stabbing in Sasebo then communication in general and the dangers of the absence of it.

Sweetsee, what is your main point and what do you want to talk about? As a reader I am confused and the relevance of your points doesn't seem clear or coherent. If you tell me what you want to talk about and what you actually want to say then perhaps I could help you.

[PAULH]

I just want to make a couple of small observations:

1. -chan is not an English word and never was. Its an affectation used to Japanese to describe children. Why do you use a Japanese word in isolation in an English essay? Its like some people say "gaijin" instead of foreigner.

2. The poets name in Japanese would be Osada Hiroshi (with his family name first). As you are writing in English for an english speaking audience wouldnt you put his personal name firs? this is a cultural issue but calling him Hiroshi sound more natural

3. Not sure what the killing has to do with mobile phones- the girls were talking on the internet and apparently were best friends played together and spoke with each other face to face. The anonymity of email messages devoid of emotion and feeling contributed to these events though, as the killer was upset bt her remarks. Not sure if you can blame or connect this to phone email though

[Sweetsee]

Paul and Tone,

Thank you both. I wrote that in one go and posted it because I wanted you to see what happens when I write.

I will try again. Getting there is the best part, right?



Respectfully yours,
sweetsee

[Tonester]

Sweetsee,

Come back and tell us what you want to say and maybe we can suggest issues for you to present. I had to write recently for my school paper and I chose a really bland topic such as "About studying english" because I got so sick of people asking me "Tony, how can I improve my english ability?" or "Tony, how can I be able to speak to someone in english?" so the gist of my article was simply "Go do an exchange once you've finished high school because you'll be forced to speak english. I did an exchange in Saitama 5 years ago and look; I can speak your language!"

Perhaps was not the best essay but it at least answered one of my biggest FAQs!

[PAULH]