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Panic instruction manual

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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2003 3:10 am    Post subject: Panic instruction manual Reply with quote

Okay Taiwan thrill seekers, hang on for the ride of a life-time - The SARS Experience. Shocked No doubt the stench of fear is descending upon the land of seven-elevens and orange smiles, just as surely as the odour of antiseptic. So this little contribution may be somewhat relevant to you guys now. (I'm in Beijing, but used to be in Taiwan). I posted this on the China section some time ago, and received a suitable amount of abuse for it. I'm looking forward to some more. Twisted Evil Of course some aspects are not quite so relevant to Taiwan, as in item one, but I thought I'd leave 'em in anyway.


SARS Clearance Sale

It's all gotta go, the items that have the country at fever pitch.

Government Lie Detector Unit: Electric model. Attractive soft, dark brown surface with consistent faecal odor. Red light flashes when the government is lying about the SARS figures. To deactivate red light, unplug unit.

Rubber Face Masks. Dnn't be fooled by standard masks with pores the size of an army of viruses. Get these poreless, peerless models. Includes frowny-faces so that you can blend in with the general populace. Michael Jackson masks available for those who wish to avoid social contact.

6-pack Vinegar. Out they go. Medicinal value indicated by recent sales in the millions of bottles. Those viruses won’t want to know you after you down a good vinegar six-pack.

Whito Bleach. The latest fragrance in these rapidly changing times. Don't be left out. Spray it on household items; the car; even apply to bodily extremities before making love. Guaranteed to suppress libido and thus minimize transmission opportunities.

SARS Carrier Detector Unit. Insert into rectal cavity of suspected SARS carrier. The model that took San Francisco by storm.

Panic Instruction Manual. How to save face by panicking along with the rest of the general population. Don't appear relaxed when you can join the frenzy. Fully illustrated with appropriate facial expressions of sentient anguish.

The Layman's Guide To SARS Statistics. Beautifully illustrated with exaggerated and frightening images of death by pestilence. All SARS figures in exaggerated size 68 font to make them look bigger than what they really are, as requested by 98% of men on the street. If you cannot justify your current sense of terror, this is the manual for you. Essential bed-time readings. Editor's note: All competing data which might suggest that SARS is anything less than the Apocalypse have been respectfully removed to avoid embarrassment for the masses. e.g. references to the usual 20 000 deaths from pneumonia every month in China have been removed by popular request.

Fear Registration Unit. Feeling frustrated because you are feeling relaxed and apathetic while all your friends are in various states of apoplectic terror? The Fear Registration Unit is the answer. Alerts you when levels of adrenalin and cortisone in the brain fall below critical levels, with a violent blow to the parietal lobe (i.e. the back of your head). Don't let your apathy kill you at a time when panic is the only socially acceptable option.

The Rumor Generator: Don't be left out at parties when that extrovert has the audience transfixed with anecdotes of our impending doom, government conspiracies and Beijing Medical Hospital backroom gossip. Self-generating and fully automatic, this compact unit includes such popular options as: What happens when they quarantine Beijing/Shanghai/Guangzhou?;They're burning thousands of SARS corpses behind Beijing Military hospital, and; If you get SARS they just give you a lethal injection and incinerate you... Sorry, numbers are strictly unlimited.
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Joined: 13 Feb 2003
Posts: 10
Location: Taiwan

PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2003 4:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Post deleted by author.

Last edited by squid on Fri Dec 08, 2006 5:26 am; edited 1 time in total
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Joined: 30 Jan 2003
Posts: 33
Location: Taiwan

PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2003 9:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You guys know what's really going on, don't you?
The whole epidemic has been orchestrated by the thermometer companies to boost their sales.

Thanks for giving me a morning smile.
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