Job Discussion Forums

[Josephine]

Hi,

I am a newbie, both to the field and to the forum, but I am going to try very hard not to say anything stupid. With any luck, I am about to start my first TEFL job, but forgive me for not mentioning where, as the deal has not been sealed yet and I don't want to jinx myself.

The point is this: Unlike many TEFL newbies, I am married. From what I've read, most married TEFLers bring their spouses along for the ride, but this would not work in this particular case. (He is working on his bachelor's degree, so he would not be able to get a work visa, and I would not be able to support both of us on my salary; I'd barely be able to support myself.)

Is anyone else out there in a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice on how to maintain a long-distance relationship halfway around the world, or stories related to the topic? Our acquaintances all think I'm crazy for considering going without him, but he seems okay with it. Of course, these were the same people who thought he was crazy for marrying me in the first place; I guess I'm trouble. But that's another topic for another day.

Thanks.

Josephine.

Since everyone seems to like to know these things, I am American, I have a bachelor's degree, and I don't plan on stinking up the profession, although such things are clearly subjective.

[rogan]

Maintaining a long distance relationship half way around the world, somewhere new and exciting and foreign and romantic - forget it !

[xnihil]

I had a similar dilemma a few years ago. I was going off to Lebanon to teach and my girlfriend still had a year left in her B.A. Our answer: We got married, she came with me and when we got back she went back to school (she just finished this week).

We were perhaps a bit drastic, but hey, life is short.


Now I am headed back to the Middle East and she's staying here for at least the first six months. Any advice that others have on staying in touch would be appreciated.

Pessimistic comments like the one above seem to be a total waste of time.

[guty]

Pessimistic, or realistic?

[xnihil]

Well, it is a cliche that long distance relationships do not work, I admit. I have had a number of failed ones myself. However, I have also met my true love and lived apart from her for almost a year and, although it was difficult, our committment and dedication and continual conscious effort to maintain our relationship, keep the lines of communication open and always remain totally honest kept us together and resulted in, as I've already mentioned, a wonderful marriage of two years and counting.

I would not recommend a long distance committment for everyone, but for those who are determined and willing, it is possible.

Again, for me, the keys are: complete honesty (with yourself as well as your partner), open communication, and true committment (if this is just a halfway type of romance, then forget it.

Don't believe the cliche, make your own reality.

[baby predator]

Hi Josephine

I've had a couple of long distance relationships, and I found them quite refreshing (absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that). But, I don't think they work for everyone. I guess you need to ask some questions about yourself and about the place you will be going to.

Are you quite self-reliant? If you enjoy challenges, this will help you a lot.

Do you enjoy your own company? This could be crucial - especially if you will be working in an isolated place.

Are you (or your partner) prone to jealousy?

How do you feel about monogamy? Are you determined to be faithful at all costs, or are you prepared to allow yourself (and your husband) the occasional flirtation/dalliance/affair? Even if this doesn't seem like it will be a problem now, it certainly could prove to be later, so it worth thinking about quite carefully.

As for the place you are going:

will you be able to contact your husband regularly? Is the internet connection stable, will you be able to purchase cheap international calling cards. Will you have access to a private telephone?

Will there be other people around who you can talk to when things are tough (as they certainly will be at times)? I would say that THE most important thing for you will be to have a shoulder to cry on when you are feeling isolated. You wont always be able to contact your hubbie, and it will help you a lot to have friends to take you out of yourself during the tough times.

Perhaps more importantly though; its clear that you want to do this, so I would say - be brave and go for it! There's nothing worse for a relationship than giving up your ambitions in order to stay with your partner. That's an even surer way to cause a rift between you.

Good luck to ya lady!

[rogan]

Only posts that agree with you are acceptable, huh xn !!

You go away to a new place and the first thing you need is support and help to cope with the culture shock.

You find a support group which becomes close and relationships develop.

There are problems (professional or personal) and the only people who can immediately help are those who are near you.

A new environment can lead to lapses and excesses and the need for a shoulder or more to lean on.

At the same time the partner is at home, and free and secure and surrounded by friends, old and, perhaps, new.

There are two people in that relationship who are suddenly single again and who can be subject to temptation and who have physical and emotional needs.

I prefer to look at a situation as realistically as possible.
If that comes across as cynical, it could be because of my age and experiences.

[scot47]

"age and experiences" ?

But Richard every Newbie in EFL knows that if you are over 30 you don't know anything !

[rogan]

Now now, scot47. Don't jump in without a little thought.

"experiences" - yes.

An experience in ..........., another in ................. and even a third in .................

Have you never thought that people can have multiple experiences?
Think about it. They can be plural.

However I would suggest that "accomodation" and "information" can only be singular.

[scot47]

Sorry I was not clear enough. I was pointing out that every newcomer to EFL knows that old farts like you and me know nothing about the world. I did not intend to pick up on singular or plural. Far be it from to correct someone's liberty of stylistic expression. Especially if he is over 30 !

[johnslat]

Dear scot47,
" But Richard every Newbie in EFL knows that if you are over 30 you don't know anything "
Hmm, does that mean if you're over 60, you know twice as little, double nothing, so to speak?

[ESL Guru]

Josy, may I call you Josy, it is so much more informal and I know a dear sweet Josy!

Were you my daughter I would advise you as follows:

1. Absence does make the heart grow fonder but it can also make it wander.

2. Boyfriends are like taxis. Miss this one and another will be round shortly.

3. China is an adventure. Are you ready for an adventure? You may meet Mr. Right and his first name may actually not be "Always." Although the chances of you meeting Mr. Always Right here are far greater!

4. If you really love the bloak why run off and risk losing him?

5. If you are not ready to settle down with him, then be open to whatever happens.

6. Long distance promises are much easier to break.

Sweatheart, only you can decide but try thinking this one through a little more before you jump into something just because the grass looks a little greener on the other side.

And yes, I am probably old enough to be your grandfather so that is why I sound so old fashioned.

[xnihil]

Rogan,
You may be right. Perhaps because I am anticipating a long time away from my cutie (possibly for a year or more) I am wishfully trying to convince myself that it will be ok.

But the original question to this post was not whether you thought it was possible but rather, what advice those of us who have had to be in this situation had to offer.

The suggestion that she should just "forget it" is neither helpful nor informative. It may be in keeping with your own experience but how could she use that tidbit?

Now, your second post, where yu specifically list some of the challenges she might face is a step in the right direction but remember, the premise of the question is that she is already in a committed relationship (at least a marriage).

Personally, I don't believe that couples have to be together in order to be happy. I've met amazing couples who spend whole swaths of time on other sides of the world and I think they are amazing. If you are really strong in your relationship, full of trust and able to be completely open, then I think it will be fine.

Again, Rogan, sorry for being so critical of your post, but having had experience (or experiences) does not make one wiser. You have to actually learn from them.

[Josephine]

Hi again,

Thanks everybody for the advice (and predictions). I don't feel I'm being hasty; I just wanted points of view from those whose situation resembled my own, so that I can make a more informed decision. (I don't want to hear "that wouldn't possibly work" from people who haven't even tried it.) I have been changing my mind often, but the time is approaching quickly when I will have to you-know-what or get off the pot.

I suspect that if I had decided to join the military instead, people in general (not you guys) wouldn't think it was so weird. That hypocrisy bothers me.

I will have another talk with "the husband", be brave and bring up the issue of fidelity, see if I actually receive this job offer, and see what happens. Thanks guys.

Josephine.

[Joe C.]