Job Discussion Forums

[yaramaz]

I have yet to experience any of the gropey grabby things I had been warned about before I came to Turkey. Mind you, I'm a fairly generic looking white chick who dresses in a manner so unprovocative that my own female students are clamouring to offer me a wardrobe makeover. (could be my lack of Bagdat Cad fur trim and numbingly tight trousers and spike heels) I did have to put up with some random harmless shouting and murmurs back in Kayseri but no one ever touched me.

[justme]

Mostly these guys are pretty decent, though it's true that many of them are most interested in sex, money, or a passport. I too have had my share of grabbing and hair pulling, though the grabbing tends to happen in large crowds when you can't really see who did it, and the hair pulling has mostly been by glue-sniffing kids. I was attacked once, though it was arguably my fault for stumbling home through a dodgy neighborhood in the wee hours...

Mostly they do really innocuous things that are almost sad, like dolmuş snuggling, deliberately bumping into you on the street, or even stroking your hand with one finger as they pass by.

But as I said, most of them are decent, and even strangers have this macho urge to protect women on the street. I find the most effective solution to street harrassment is to make a lot of noise (shouting sapık or ayıp doesn't hurt either), then to shove him into the nearest group of standing-around young men. A good pounding usually follows. Violent, yes, but you'll feel better...

As to relationships, it's also true they make lovely boyfriends-- they're full-on romantics, perhaps too much so if you're just in for the casual fling, but they'll certainly make you feel loved and adored (though having to be home to Mommy by 11 is not at all uncommon). The hard part is trying to break up-- expect months and months of calls and messages, which will utterly dismay your current man. I've changed my number a few times.

And with all the romancing, it's hard to figure out if he's 'for real'. There's a lot of 'in love with love', so it's best to take getting serious with a grain of salt. Sweet, sensitive, old-fashioned chivalry, it's really nice but is it just an act? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It's uncertain, like life.

And we foreign women are arguably easier to get along with than Turkish women-- fewer strops, fewer demands, less gold-digging, less look-but-don't-touch-I'm-made-of-Ivory-soap-but-I'm-decked-out-like-a-*beep*. And I can happily say I've never made one carry my purse while I window shop for shoes...

And I too married one of them. Once we got past all the romancing BS (I'm not much for all that myself), he turned out to be decent, honest, caring, and affectionate, not to mention handsome and kind...

[calsimsek]

Fact more men in relationships with Turkish women. Wetern girls have problems with Turkish style. Turkish men never really give up on their mothers, expect women to be able to cook and keep a place clean. My brother inlaw is very well educated and has a good jod , yet he will end up marrying some one like his mum carring and supporting and putting him first. I have to say that as a man I have seen Western men and women in their relationships and most men look better off. Sorry.

[vre]

Yes, very true, Calsimsek. My observations mirror what you said. I am at the stage when we are thinking 'seriously' about our 'future' but I am really frightened of making the big commitment!

[calsimsek]

Good luck vre, been here for more than 12 years now and seen lots of men married to local women. I have meet some women married to local men, some have had problems, but alot have had a great time. I think the key for the western women is check out how the man's mother feels, (Turkish farthers are for show they have no say in the house).The mother inlaw holds the key to a happy life with a Turk.

[justme]

Calsimsek is 100% right. 1000% even, if that's possible. I've heard Turkish mother-in-law stories (and to a lesser extent, teyze stories) that range from the comic to bordering on the obscene. It's one reason not to completely trust the devotion of a Turkish boyfriend. Not til you've met Mommy, anyway, and gained her full approval. You're more of a daughter in a Turkish family than you would be with the in-laws of an American or British family, and they have to be able to love you as such. Conversely, you'll be expected to accept them more as parents than you would expect, especially since your own parents are so far away, and they can't imagine a girl not needing to be taken care of... Advantages and disadvantages to this, as you could well imagine...