Job Discussion Forums

Vince · Joined: 05 May 2003 Posts: 559 Location: U.S.

My wife and I recently moved to the US after being in Tokyo for six years (we met and married there). There's no Japanese population in this area, she doesn't speak much English, and we have a six-month-old baby. She knew it would be a challenge, but she thought she could handle it. I started having reservations before she arrived (I moved five months before she did), but she insisted that moving to the US was for the best and would work out. Now she feels like she was wrong, and we're between a rock and a hard place.

She wants nothing but back in Tokyo ASAP. I liked many things about Japan and wouldn't mind going back. But now that I have a son -- and his education -- to think about, I don't dare make that long-term commitment without a master degree and full consent to making my Japanese studies first priority. She doesn't want us to spend the money for a master degree (this has been an issue throughout our marriage), nor has she ever been very supportive of my desire to become fluent and literate in Japanese. I won't budge on this, and she's mentioned her and the baby going back to Japan without me. Although the frustration sometimes makes me want to throw my hands up and get her a plane ticket, I can't let her go with my son. We'll eventually work something out, but I'll be grayer and less sane by the time we've done so.

Mike L. · Joined: 28 Feb 2003 Posts: 519

To the above poster. Get a laywer and a court order barring your wife from taking your baby out of the ocuntry.

Be careful! Japanese courts are good at assisting Japanese committing crimes abroad, especially child abduction, as they refuse to recognize international standards and extradite Japanese facing crimes in other countries.

Best of luck!!

Vince · Joined: 05 May 2003 Posts: 559 Location: U.S.

PAULH · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 4672 Location: Western Japan

Vince · Joined: 05 May 2003 Posts: 559 Location: U.S.

PAULH · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 4672 Location: Western Japan

taikibansei · Joined: 14 Sep 2004 Posts: 811 Location: Japan

Sherri · Posted: Mon May 02, 2005 11:43 pm Post subject:

Vince
Couldn't you let your wife and baby take a trip back to Japan for a couple of weeks? I know that when I had my first baby in Japan I made a couple of trips with just me and the baby (husband had few holidays) to the US and to Australia. It helped me relax and made life a little better when I came back to Japan. Also my parents came and visited a couple of times to help with the baby.

It's hard taking care of a new baby and it can be very lonely no matter where you live. It takes time with a new baby, she is making lots of changes--with her role in the world as a mom, her life in the US and honestly the hormones take about a year after the birth to get back to normal.

Another thing that helped me was to find friends with babies the same age. Has your wife been able to do that? Can you get Japanese TV where you are? We are in Hawaii now and we pay extra to get a couple of Japanese channels. Of course you can stream Japanese radio stations using your computer. She might like that. Does she have friends or family who can send her care packages with video tapes of her fav TV shows, books and magazines, fav foods? Using messenger with a webcam is also a good way to keep in touch with people from home.

It is early days, take time to make your decisions.
Best
Sherri

Vince · Joined: 05 May 2003 Posts: 559 Location: U.S.

Mark · Joined: 23 Jan 2003 Posts: 500 Location: Tokyo, Japan

Vince, dude, that's just weird.

I can't understand the logic of wanting you to go back to Japan, but opposing your getting a qualification that would allow you to make a respectable living in Japan. It's just nonsensical.

Also, 6 months is usually when culture shock starts to be a real problem. Things might clear up in a few months. Are there any ESL schools or programs that your wife could enroll in? If her English improves, that would probably greatly add to her being able to live abroad.

As for your wife working 2 or 3 days a week in Japan, is she willing to do that? A lot of J women don't seem particularly entusiastic about working after marriage.

PAULH · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 4672 Location: Western Japan

Zzonkmiles · Joined: 05 Apr 2003 Posts: 309

Akula the shark · Joined: 06 Oct 2004 Posts: 103 Location: NZ

As others have said, warning bells ring here. I am currently back in NZ wife my Japanese wife. Both of us have been supportive of each other learning each other's language, without actually teaching each other (just not a good idea). I passed ikkyu Japanese last year, and my wife has worked hard on her English as well. As a couple we discussed the importance of being competent in the other's language for a number of reasons.

1) We want our kids to be bilingual. If one parent has issues with the other's language, kids pick up on it in an instant.

2) We both want to be able to participate fully in wider family activities.

3) We both want the option to be able to live in the other's country and undertake meaningful and well-paying employment.

4) We both want to genuinely understand each other's viewpoints and not have communication be a bigger problem than it need be.

The last thing that you would need to explain to your wife is just what the job market is like in Japan for people like yourself. Remind her that if you don't have the qualifications, and or Japanese language ability, you could be condemning yourself to working at a low paid eikaiwa job. My wife definitely did not want to be the wife of an eikaiwa teacher, your wife may not be either.

PAULH · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 4672 Location: Western Japan

I wont rehash it here, but based on my own experience of raising and educating two children (now 10 and 6, both in elementary school here) in Japan, you are going to need a minimum of 350,000 yen a month just to live and if you want some savings. Going to school will cost you extra and you will have to find the money for that as well.

We have average expenses for a family, not extravagant. I usually eat at home and maybe go out for drinks once a month if that. We also own a car. You also have related kids expenses: tennis club and swimming lessons. juku. computer games and comics

I put aside money for offshore pension and savings fund, resident tax (nearly 400,000 yen last year) and my monthly outgoings I see little change out of my teaching paycheck which is 380,000 yen a month. Like you I am studying for another degree which costs me 600,000 yen a year or 50,000 yen a month. Usually i get hit with a 200,000 yen credit card bill so extra work on weekends takes care of that. I teach four days a week and do regular weekend work.

A plain vanilla conversation school job will pay you 250,000 yen a month gross, which means you need to find an extra 100,000 yen a month to cover your bills. To do that will mean teaching your 8 hours a day and picking up extra work in your down time or on weekends such as privates or teaching at companies. Commuting will probably take up most of your time and if you work for a dispatch company you will be spending a couple of hours a day on the trains.

The upshot of this is that living in Japan with a wife and small child will cost big time, compared to when you were single. You will hemorrhage money- I actually never see my paycheck as wife takes care of bills and payments. Most stuff is on AT at the bank.

Im not sure your wife actually realises what it costs to support a family here, and without a degree she is consigning you to a life of 10 or 12-hour 6/7-day a week workdays, yearly contracts (with some dispatch companies 6 months, and some fire you before 3 years is up so as not to make you permanent) with little free time left for anything.

I am lucky that I live close to my work, have a day off in a week where I have no classes scheduled, but get paid but dont have to physically be on campus. I spend the day at home around my kids doing school work and research. I did the rat race thing for 10 years ( and still do but just not as much). You dont say how old you are and at 30 its not problem. wait till you hit your late 30s you are working 6,7 days a week and chasing your tail over here. Lack of exercise, overwork, too much junk and processed food can play havoc with your health here.

I know this is what you plan and you are going in the right direction with the degree and the japanese, but this is more for your seemingly shortsighted wife who doesnt seem to be living on the same planet as you. Call it a kind of spousal abuse, by not letting you improve your education and develop skills here. believe me you will need them and you may have to plan for a long term stay here if she finally decides she wants out of living away from her parents and family for so long.

FWIW I have an intermediate level in Japanese (Level 2 of the JLPT) and while I recommend you learn Japanese it has not really helped me that much in the job hunt as most employers do not demand or require Japanese ability, (except perhaps full time positions at a university). I will concur with Zzzonkmiles that there seems to be a cultural or a conception gap between you and your wife, and this can be due to language, different upbringing or attitudes. She obviously doesnt see the importance of you learning her language while she is quite happy to learn English from you, but at the moment is perhaps feeling quite homesick.

I would think that if your wife doesnt speak good English, you dont speak good Japanese, there is a lot of stuff that is flying past each other that needs to be addressed. In my case, a lot of stuff goes unsaid as its hard to formalise or verbalise in a foreign language. Its often hard enough communicating with your wife sometimes speaking english, let alone in a foreign language. This is something both you and her need to work on.

Smooth Operator · Joined: 29 Jan 2003 Posts: 140 Location: Japan

Going back to the OP, I visisted Antigua in spring 2003 and stayed at a guesthouse where many Japanese stay. That would be a good place for her to get started, even if meeting tourists only. I forget the name of it but it is easy to find - almost opposite the supermarket on the busy street that has the McDonald's.