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[KL]

Just back to BJ and experienced the following yesterday... While having a manicure, a non-Chinese woman came in with a very Chinese-looking daughter. They were speaking a language I did not understand but heard the girl call her momma. The woman did speak English to the manicurist and had a little difficulty, so I translated for her. Then, I asked the woman how old the girl was and we started chatting. She told me she was four, adopted from Hunan when she was 1.5. They live in Holland but they are here in BJ for a year assignment with her husband's company. They have been here since August and found it extremely difficult. In the course of thirty minutes the friendly and well-meaning manicure staff made the girl cry twice. These girls are super friendly, but they couldn't wrap their heads around the fact that this little girl did not speak Chinese. They were bombarding me with questions, and comments, most of which I would not translate for them. So, they turned to their own conversation of "what a shame, she doesn't know here mother tongue, I guess that's why she is crying...look, she wants her Chinese Ayi to hold her. Poor girl!" While I am not telling you this to rain on your parade, I think it might be useful for you and your husband to discuss beforehand how you will deal with this type of situation. Though language is not an issue with my daughter, I have found it necessary to have many talks about "How lucky you are to have two countries and two languages to call your own! You are Chinese and you are American!" because she still gets asked a lot of questions like, "are you Chinese or are you American? Do you like China better or America better? Do you like your foreign mommy or your Chinese daddy better?" These are tough, confusing and disorienting questions for a little kid...and I have to add, ones that would not be posed on a daily basis, if ever, in the US. The better informed you are, the better prepared you will be. It just think it is easier to deal with this type of thing with some positive, pre-emptive talk then to try to sort it out with a crying child in the grocery store! There is a good book supplier called Asia for Kids. (you can google it) I believe they have the best selection of books dealing with cultural issues. It might be a good idea to order a few, read them and then talk about them with your daughter.

[samnjoanne]

Thank you for the comments. My family does have a lot to discuss during the coming weeks and months.

I wonder if the Chinese population ever visits the orphanages in their area? It is an eye opening experience.

[voodikon]

i'm finding this thread extremely interesting. KL, your and your daughter's experiences are particularly fascinating/wrenching. i'd like to read more, particularly in light of my own mixed ancestry as well as my piquing interest in these seemingly increasingly popular transracial adoptions (epitomized in the limelight, perhaps, by angelina jolie).

[KL]

well...I was a little afraid that I came off as too heavy handed. I just sort of felt a red-flag when the OP posed what to me seemed a pretty important question and it was wrapped up with two or three "come on down/the water's fine jump in!" posts. I am a little more introspective than usual lately because I am pregnant with my second child and decided to have it here in China (as I noted earlier, my daughter was born in the US). I am normally (really) a pretty easygoing person who can let most things roll off my back. I really love being a mom and I love the fact that my daughter speaks Chinese and English with ease, can eat macaroni and cheese with a fork for dinner one night, and dofu with chopsticks the next. I'm entertained by the sense of humor she is developing when faced with asinine questions. For example, "Is China better or America better?"...."Don't you know????? (dramatic pause to let the inquisitor ponder) ... Both are good!" Trust me, this is much cuter in person, in Chinese from a three year old! I love that in the US last month she was watching a rerun of that Amazing Race show and cracking up, yelling at at the hapless couple stranded by the language barrier in a taxi in Xi'an... "Shuo Zhongwen! Shuo Zhongwen!" then turning to me and saying in English, "Mommy! That taxi driver can't speak English! Why don't they speak Chinese?" I think it's great to see her in little hybridized outfits of a qi pao with a Miami Heat sweatshirt thrown over it (though both were made in China no doubt!). I feel so proud when I see her on the playground here showing off a Halloween card sent from her grandparents in the US and explaining what Halloween is all about to her little friends in Chinese far more eloquent than mine will ever be. But before this all turns a little too "Hallmark" I will just add this disclaimer: raising this multicultural child has taken sacrifices. I gave up working to be a full time mom, I spent agonizingly long periods away from the husband that I love, I logged more hours on China Southern than some of their flight crew, commuting back and forth from LA/ Guangzhou every month and worst of all, I have felt super guilty and shed some tears watching my daughter cry over insensitive racial remarks at an age where she should be crying because her doll's head popped off, or her carrots are touching her mashed potatoes. So...there is a little more of our story. I would love to hear an adult perspective on what it is like to come from a multi-cultural family. Am I getting it right? Am I obsesssing too much? Can both my kids grow up and really claim two cultures, or does one eventually win out? For all of our sakes, I really hope not. I really would like to see the day when "multicultural" is more than just a buzzword!

[voodikon]

well, i don't think revealing my experiences will really shed any light on your questions, but i do thank you for sharing such stories and feelings. i, for one, think what you're doing is really cool, and your daughter (and i guess second child too) will have very rare and hopefully multi-faceted perspectives and identities.

i can't even say i come from a multicultural background because even though my mother was born and raised in china, she never returned after arriving in the u.s. at the age of 16 and, at my father's command, never spoke chinese to us kids (he didn't "want to be a foreigner in [his] own home") and under his influence identified mostly white (as, resultingly, did we). additionally, we grew up in predominantly white areas, and it wasn't until i moved east of downtown l.a. for university that people started questioning my ethnic makeup. even among chinese people, very few can spot any traces of chinese physical features on me.

while i was in university, i was teaching writing at a chinese-language school for the american-born children of taiwanese americans and immigrants; one of the girls who attended was half white and half cantonese, like i am, yet the kids all viewed her as "one of them" in terms of race/being ABC (and i am pretty sure the feeling was reciprocated), and she excelled in the chinese-language classes. on the other hand, they looked at me as simply white, which i know because on a camping trip while playing football, one of them jokingly commented that i was mad because "you don't look like one of us." interestingly, the girl's brother, who lived in another state and was being raised by their father (the most interesting bit is that it was the father who was chinese and the mother who was caucasian, but the mother was the one enrolling the daughter in chinese classes), knew no chinese and expressed to me that he felt very much an outsider when, during a visit to his mother and sister one summer, he had to attend classes at the chinese-language school.