Job Discussion Forums

may be going · Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 129 Location: australia

it seems to be a mixed bag in this dept. i see posters here that have partners who dare not step foot outside their mother's sight, much less their prefecture, much less japan.

on the other hand, so many japanese girls (and maybe guys buti don't know) seem to be itching to get out of japan and hit the jackpot of 'life in western country'

my query is did the j-girls/guys who don't want to leave japan under any circumstances always have this attitude or was there once a time when you both planned on life outside japan?

and if they did once have you believing that life in your respective home countries was the goal of the future, what was it that changed their mind?

the reason i ask is that i have a japanese partner now who is keen as mustard on going to oz. she has lived there before and surfs as much as me and loves oz to bits. but she is also very very close to her family and seldom misses and opportunity to spend time with them

is she a candidate for a massive about-face regarding life o/s?

those in the know please divulge....cheers

johanne · Joined: 18 Apr 2003 Posts: 189

I can tell you my experience. About 10 years ago I came to Japan and met a Japanese guy and two years later we were married. When I met him he had already done a fair bit of traveling on his own and with friends around Canada, U.S. and Australia, but had never considered living in another country. We lived together for 3 years in Japan and then went to live in Canada for 7 years (Vancouver which is very Japanese friendly) and just returned to Japan last summer. We're are tentatively planning to stay about 6-7 years and then perhaps go live in a third country - Switzerland keeps coming up. We both have easily transportable jobs, so that helps.
He his quite close to his family. The main reasons we returned to Japan were that his parents were getting older and he wanted to spend time with them while they were still healthy; we wanted our daughter to become fluent in Japanese and feel comfortable in the culture and he was getting homesick.
I would say if your partner is very close to her family I would plan to be somewhat flexible about where you will live - it may not be Australia for the rest of your lives. You may need to divide your time between the two countries, not necessarily in equal amounts, and this is definately something to discuss ahead of time. I like Japan but I don't think I could live here forever. My husband likes Canada but I don't think he could live there forever, so we look for compromise. On the other hand I met several families in Canada where the Japanese wife was willing the spend the rest of her life in Canada and visit her family regularily, so it's not to say that this isn't a possibility in your case - just something you need to discuss honestly with your partner.
Good luck.

PAULH · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 4672 Location: Western Japan

Long story, but my wife plans to take our two kids to live in Melbourne from next year so kids can learn English for 2 to 3 years. The plan then is for our daughter to go to a Japanese school that accepts returnees. Says shes 'doing it for the kids' and will find a job when she gets there. Where I will live and what i will do from next year is still undecided.

her main worry is finding an apartment and setting up schooling as the school terms are different from japan.

My wife spent 18 months in the US and 2 years in Australia and has no problem living overseas. said she has no problem living outside japan as long as its an English speaking country and its safe, and wont live in a rural area.

Everyone is different of course but its also my guess too that there is a lot more freedom for Japanese women outside Japan, in terms of job, career and lifestyle. Women here get married have children, quit jobs or end up in dead end clerical jobs or married to guys who are married to their jobs.

I think as long as your gf can come back to japan on a regular basis or she can be in touch via email or phone it shouldnt be a problem, and in Australia she can also get lots of Japanese food as well.

Brooks · Joined: 16 Jan 2003 Posts: 1369 Location: Sagamihara

thing is, women can and do change their minds, so you have to be prepared for that.
My wife said she can live in Canada, the UK, Ireland, Oz, NZ, or the US.
But I don`t see how I can work in these countries besides the US or Japan
(I am American).

Before I got hitched, I had doubts since my fiancee said that she wanted to live in Japan for at least the next 15 years. She said if I didn`t agree that we should break up. I said OK, but not with enthusiasm.
Since then, she has been more flexible and will go to the US at any time, but she worries about her parents. They are getting older, so I have said that if their health becomes an issue that we can move to the Osaka area.
They live in Sakai, and are in their early 70s.

Her parents are older than my parents, so I think they will have health problems sooner than mine. But this summer it was my mother who wound up in the hospital with a pancreas infection.

Every year we go to the US at least once (usually New York).
My wife said New York is too far so I said OK, this year we can have the vacation in the west coast and in Colorado (near my father`s family).

A problem for me is that my wife refuses to work in the US until she will have been there for 6 - 12 months.
And she refuses to work full-time, whether in the US or Japan.
I would find that too stressful so I would rather stay in Japan. And my wife would rather live on the West coast, but my family lives on the East coast. My wife would like to live in Hawaii too, but where are the jobs?

My wife hates Tokyo and said she could live here for 3 years but that`s it.
She said she can live in the Kansai area or in western Japan.
I can live in Kyushu, Hiroshima, Shikoku, etc. but it is really hard to find a decent job in that part of Japan.
She says she feels like a foreigner in Tokyo so she might as well live abroad.

Gordon · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 5309 Location: Japan

Wow Brooks! Sounds like a lot of demands to me. You don't have any children, so why the aversion to work?

My wife says she will go anywhere I go, as long as it is what I feel is best for our family (she is not Japanese, nor typical). I am seriously considering going to the Middle East, but my wife likes Japan. So we will compromise and probably stay here a year longer than I would like and then move on somewhere.

Brooks · Joined: 16 Jan 2003 Posts: 1369 Location: Sagamihara

I thinks she was rebelling against her parents.
Her family has a noodle factory and her brother works 360 days a year.
He wakes up at 3:00 a.m. every day.
Her father is retired, so now he has time to watch more TV, drink more beer, and go fishing in Wakayama.
Her mother did accounting for the family business (still does, part-time), and used to help make ramen, soba, and udon. But her back is bad and she walks hunched over.
So my wife tells me not to force her to work, like her mother did.

Gordon · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 5309 Location: Japan

What does she do all day? Sorry I don't mean to criticize, but working does not mean ill health.

My parents are old too, my Dad is 79 and not in good health and Mom is 70, but it doesn't mean my life is on hold until they pass away. Is it easy on me? No way, they ask me every time we talk when I am coming back.

Brooks · Joined: 16 Jan 2003 Posts: 1369 Location: Sagamihara

my wife works part-time. She works two days a week at a university, and one day a week at a language school.

She does cook and clean. I clean some but I do work six days a week.
She is more concerned with neatness than I am.
If she wanted to work full-time, it would be fine by me.

may be going · Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 129 Location: australia

interesting responses one and all. brooks you are a very tolerant man, but thanks for the honesty.

i guess my major concern is something that paulh might be familiar with. i now work at a good uni just outside tokyo. i'll be here for another 3 years and then hope for another 3-4 year contract. i have the quals, publications etc etc so i don't thnik that will be a problem.

by the time the second contract (assuming i get one one) finsihes i'll be around 40, whereupon i hope to return to oz and live out my days semi retired and working part time.

my fear is that say 5-10 years after that, when i'm in my mid-40s, my partner might want to return. in that scenario, finding a uni job at that age might be tough, and i don't want to work in anyhting less considering my quals, experience etc etc.

i know you can't base life around speculation and what ifs, but when i hear of huge about faces quite often it's something to think about. the tales of j-wives that turned from minxes to nuns post marriage are endless, so you can't discount these about faces i guess......

abufletcher · Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 11:19 am Post subject:

may be going · Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 129 Location: australia

hey there abu. i don't know if you're referring to me in that last para but it doesn't apply if so.

prior to japan i worked at uni in samoa, thailand, korea and australia. all full time gigs over a year each some longer. so japan is not the start nor the end of it all. but it's the best so far and that's why i want to stay for a good while yet.

so the original question is just a poser i suppose but something to bear in mind.....

i don't like big surprises when my life's grand plan is thrown into turmoil in the process.

abufletcher · Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 9:31 pm Post subject:

abufletcher · Posted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 12:15 am Post subject:

BTW, this isn't just the case with Japan. I know employers at Gulf universities tend to look a bit askance at people who've spent 15+ years in Saudi Arabia.

In the end though, it's not the countries you've lived in but the job(s) you did that matters. That's what ultimately gets you hired at the next place.

Sorry to have slipped away from the original topic but I though this might be relevant.

may be going · Joined: 18 May 2004 Posts: 129 Location: australia

well i think it's very relevant because of the nature of international marriages. one of the problems i see with these marriages is that most often the guy/girl gets married with a j-girl/guy or korean girl/guy or whatever, while they are living in the respective home country of their partner.

they met them while they were living there and married while they were living there. now of course things are rosy coz nothing changes as long as you continue living there. but the nature of this job is that you do move around.

so 3,4,5,10 years down the track or whatever, you are going to have to confront the idea of moving elsewhere. is that going to be to your home country or to anothr country to teach where neither of you speak the lingo? then what happens?

i think it's a dangerous game to play getting married and thinking the way it is now is the way it will always be in regards to comfort and the status quo.

and that's where the original question comes into play again....

Gordon · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 5309 Location: Japan

I think if you intend to move around some and teaching is a career for you, you MUST sit down with your respective partner BEFORE marriage and lay it all on the line. What do both of you want? How much is each willing to compromise? How many kids do you want? Will the wife work after/before kids?
If you are afraid to do this, then reconsider who you are marrying. I know this doesn't help when your partner does an about face down the road, but at least you have laid down a path that you are both happy with. I did this with my wife before marriage and it has really helped. I know exactly what she wants and vice versa.