Job Discussion Forums

[ebs.inc]

Hey Everyone,

In my communications course I am holding a seminar on the 30th of March. I like to talk a lot about intercultural communication (during my senior year of undergrad, I had to write a 40-pg. research paper, on which I discussed Gudykunst's AUM Theory, Culture Shock, Japanese vs. American values, Japanese vs. American communication styles, and finally how those all played a role in the Japanese ESL context).

Recently I read an article in the Japan Times called "Minding the Gap", which was an informative article about differences in conflict resolution styles between intercultural partners. There was another article published in the local Sunday paper by a high school student discussing a recent fad among students of "hooking up" (anything from sex to a committed relationship) with foreignors.

Now, first, you have to understand that the environment in which I am currently living (Oklahoma) is very conservative. But recently, more interethnic (I use this term b/c the two partners obviously have different ethnicities, but not necessarily differing cultures) couples have been popping up. Not a lot. There still seems to be this unspoken expectation that you should date someone within your ethnicity if you're looking for something lasting (at least on my university campus). However, I am single, and as I am well-travelled, dating and marrying someone from a different culture or ethnicity is not entirely out of the question for me. Personal bias aside, I would like to explore this more from those you who are married to or dating foreignors.

I searched my university's electronic databases and could only find 10 articles on the subject of intercultural couples and intercultural dating, and some of them suggest that not a lot of research has been done on this. I guess the reason why I am writing this is because I know the current generation of students at my conservative university are seeing this more and more, and I'm sure they're interested in hearing about it, if not for personal reasons. So I wanted to give a well-prepared presentation from an intercultural communications standpoint (not necessarily a therapist's standpoint).

First, I am extending an invitation for any members on the forum to contribute to this discussion. I could definitely use some perspectives from those of you who are dating or married to foreign spouses. Intercultural communication is something we in the field of ESL must engage in, but most have the luxury of going home and living within their own native cultural bubble. But for those of you married to or dating foreignors, you engage in intercultural communication all the time. Might you guys point out to me any positive experiences you've had with cultural communication differences in the relationship? Negatives? Do you sense that intercultural relationships are lasting? And if these are too probing questions, and you'd rather not leave a reply on the forum, but want to contribute please contact me at: [email protected].

I will not use any names in my presentation, but I do want to couple any research I have with true stories from those who are in such relationships. My college students would probably appreciate stories to help them understand dry charts and graphs. I think I will also try to get some intercultural couples I know to participate. Ultimately, I want to present a balanced view of this recent occurence and open some young people's eyes to the benefits and challenges of intercultural dating. I plan to make the seminar as fun as possible, too.

Second, if any of you are aware of any research that has been done on the subject as regards Intercultural Communication in Dating or Marriage Relationships, might you point me to those sources? Preferably studies done within the last 10 years or so. Thanks to all fo Reading Through this post. Oh, and my presentation is effectively entitled "Mr. Circle & Mrs. Square".

[PAULH]

Ebs,

quite a few of the regulars on this forum are in international relationships- I won't name names but I for one have a Japanese wife and kids in this country. Ihave been married 13 years. If you want to PM me you can and I have seen several articles on such relationships, including one I read a few years ago about how Japanese women view marriage and relationships, with foreigners in particular. There are a few also about divorce as well. I will see what I can dig up for you.

[Lynn]

I am American. My husband is Japanese. I'd say 90% of Jpes/NJ couples consist of NJ husband, J wife.

We are abnormal.

[D.O.S.]

Many men in these types of deals will complain and moan, but most of the problems they face are not due to the fact they are in international relationships but because they managed to find a woman out of their league and refuse to admit it.

[PAULH]

[PAULH]

International Marriages in Japan: Part Four � Basic Data on International Marriage in 2002
J. Sean Curtin (Professor, Japanese Red Cross University)

A full list of articles in this series can be found here.

This is the forth in a series of articles on various aspects of "international marriage" (a union in which initially one of the spouses is a non-Japanese citizen).

The number of international marriages in Japan has been steadily growing. Population statistics for 2000 show that 1 in 22 registered marriages was an international joining, representing 4.5% of the national total. When one considers that foreigners represent just over 1% of the entire population of Japan, this is a rather high figure.

The international marriage trend has been particularly strong in the major urban areas. In 2000, 1 in 10 marriages in the Tokyo area were between a Japanese spouse and a foreigner and in Osaka the figure was 1 in 12.

In about 80% of these marriages, the husband was Japanese. Chinese women are currently the most popular foreign brides, followed by Filipinas, South Koreans and North Koreans. In marriages involving foreign grooms, Koreans were the number one choice, followed by Americans. Despite the fact that Americans only made up 2.6% of foreigners in Japan during 2001, marriages between Japanese women and American men were prevalent in Okinawa and Kanagawa prefectures. Both of these regions have large U.S. military bases. In Okinawa Japanese-American unions were the most common type of international marriage.

Over the past 30 years, there has been a 6.5 fold increase in the number of international marriages, with a particularly dramatic rise in the late 1980s. In 1970, there were only 5,546 international marriages a year. In 2000, this figure had hit 36,263.

Some interpret these figures as proof that Japan is slowly becoming a multi-ethnic society. Major cities have already become quite diverse, but the international marriage trend also extends deep into the heart of the Japanese countryside. In many rural areas such unions are welcomed and seen as a way of revitalizing local communities. In Yamagata prefecture, where there are quite high concentrations of foreign wives, strong international bonds have developed.

The birthrate among couples in which one parent was non-Japanese was about 2.9 in 2000. This was a record level for such unions and much higher than the national average birthrate which stood at 1.33 in 2001. If international marriages keep increasing and birthrates for such unions remain high, then demographic momentum should ensure that Japan will become a more multi-ethnic society in the future.

Despite the enormous increase in international marriages, the Japanese legal framework for such unions remains inadequate. In the last decade, these deficiencies have become especially prominent as the growing number of such marriages put more and more strain on the already defective legal system. In the last decade, the courts have made a series of contradictory ruling on various aspects of these marriages. The government has so far failed to seriously address the vague aspects of the law. Some of the problem areas have already been outlined in earlier articles in this series and others will be covered in future reports.

[D.O.S.]

[taikibansei]

[Guy Courchesne]

If the topic isn't restricted to Japanese/American couplings, I'd answer some questions by PM or email interview if you like. I am Canadian, married to a Mexican woman, and living in Mexico.

One thing I'll add here in the forum on communication/language. My wife and I, having been married 5 years, are rarely aware of the language we choose to speak to each other. A conversation could start in English and end in Spanish, or go back and forth. I've been told by others listening to us talk, that it is some kind of marvel, though to my wife and I, it's rather like being unaware of language and more aware of concept.

On conflict, she swears at me in English, which makes me laugh and usually defuses the situation.

[ebs.inc]

Due to the sensitive nature of the topic, I suppose it's inevitable that certain posters would weigh in with general opinions; but that's not what I am asking for. I am looking for specific experiences of communication in intercultural couple contexts, or leads to research on the matter.

Thank you, Paul H, for recognizing this simply as an attempt at academic research from an intercultural communications standpoint. And, this is open to more than just Japanese/Non-Japanese Intercultural couples. Thanks to those who've posted thus far; I will be PM'ing some of you, and Takibansei, I shall check on that book recommendation. You guys have been a tremendous help. Thanks.

Clifford

[Brooks]

there is a book I think called How Japanese and Americans are rude to each other, and there is a section where the author opines that speaking in Japan is like bowling and in America it is like playing tennis.
In Japan, people take turns but in the US, the conversation goes back and forth like a ball.

In my classes, my big challenge is to teach students to `play tennis` when they can only `bowl`.

My wife doesn`t mind silence, but I do, so I jump in and say something but she tells me that I interrupt. Our conversational styles are different.
We tend to speak English, so sometimes it is harder for her to say some things (specific words). My wife`s English has improved since she has learned more slang and can understand English spoken quickly.

[PAULH]

I think in Japan people tend to assume things a lot more and a lot of things that get verbalised in western society fly under the radar as many Japanese dont really say what they are really thinking. A common complaint here I think is many Japanese women don't really express themselves and expect you to 'mindread' their emotions.

Another example is Japanese don't often say "I love you" to their partners as its often assumed and people feel it through their actions and not words. Westerners often feel the need to hear the words from their partners or to say them out loud.

If you say "Ai shite iru" (I love you) it sounds odd as Japanese never say it to each other except perhaps on their wedding day.

[Brooks]

this book may help:

Women on the Verge: Japanese Women, Western Dreams

by Karen Kelsky, published by Duke University, 2001
She is an anthropologist from Oregon

[bshabu]

Paulh made a good point. The nonverbal is more prevalent here. Having stayed with a host family for some time. I noticed that too. But before my Japanese teacher warned my about this so I would be surprised. However I didn't fully understand it until I stayed with a Japanese family of how much ISN'T said.

[Montbell]

I am American and my husband is Japanese. 4 couples that we know in our neighborhood are the same combination as us, so no Lynn, we are not as abnormal as you may think. And this is in a small town in Northern Sweden.