Job Discussion Forums

[Robert Russell]

In my school 3 teachers are in their 40's and all of us are always quizzed on why we are not married. Recently I was told, " We Koreans think marriage is very important in life." I always get this look like I have totally missed the boat. How do you answer these questions when asked?

[Irish]

As a still contentedly single 34-year-old, I get this too, both from good friends and total strangers. I've got nothing against marriage but I've never quite understood the (apparently) horrified fascination with which some people regard my single status.

My answer depends on my mood (ranging from angelic to evil) and who's doing the asking. My top three answers are:

1. "None of your business." (My personal favorite as I can dress it up to make it ultra polite or insert colorful expletives to let the questioner know that his time with me is up.)

2. "Look, if you're going to make a pass at me, you might as well come right out and do it instead of dancing around like this." (That usually gets me all the peace and quiet I want.)

3. "Because there just aren't woods deep enough to grow the kind of nut job who'd agree to reproduce and file joint tax returns with me." (This is probably closest to the truth, actually.)

What do you tell 'em?

[Robert Russell]

Yesterday it was in the middle of class and I was unprepared. For me it is a deep and emotional question. It seems sooooo personal. I dont want them to think I am gay so I try to assure them that I am very attracted to women. nIn stating this I also do not want to make myseld out to be a playboy? Yesterday was the 7th days working straight and I was tired. I was actually bothered by the question. I have had a very exciting life. I have lived in Asia almost 18 years. But I sometimes regret not ever having a family so the question can be bothersome when inserted between a grammar topic

[Irish]

Yeah, I understand where you're coming from. Although I'm content being single right now, there are times when I feel a bit envious of my friends with those ties. (Of course, they sometimes envy my freedom--greener grass and all that jazz.)

Often when people ask this of me, I sense another implied question underneath it: "What's wrong with you?" Well, lots in my case, but that's not the point. To me, this is a very personal question and I don't think anyone should feel compelled to answer. Maybe you could just politely say that you never met the right woman at the right time and change the topic or return to the previous discussion. If they persist, politely tell them that you appreciate their concern but, where you come from, such things are too personal to discuss except with one's closest family and friends.

Unfortunately, this never worked for me (hence my current rude routine) but you might have better luck.

[andrew]

I usually reply (in a tone to reflect my mood at the time) "not polite to ask". Always works.

[omar805]

deleted

[Roger]

Sanctity of the marriage certainly is NOT a specialty of Asians, and that's what I want them to know, not my marital status!

I agree with Andrew the most, although I disagree with nobody at all. I think we need to instill in these people some respect for Western Society the same as we are, legitimately, being expected to respect their society!
However, we don't put up with semblance, we want the real thing (and seldom get it, admittedly), but at least we face the music when our relationship is up for a review.

Some answers I keep ready for too-inquisitive strangers:
- My wife is back home. She does not wish to come to a country where all men believe they can date all women!

- My wife died in a plane crash. I love her to this day and will NEVER MARRY ANOTHER WOMAN!

- In the West, people often marry at age 50, so as to keep the number of kids per family to below 1.1!

- Oh! I AM married. I have wives in Saudi Arabia, France, Rwanda, Pakistan, and SOON IN CHINA - WANNA BE MY NEXT ONE?

[Celeste]

When I was 23 and I lived in Korea, people used to ask me this all the time. Here is the conversation:

How old are you?-25 Korean age, 23 Western age

Are you married?-Yes.

Do you have children?-No

Why not? Do you have a medical problem? I know a doctor....


It drove me nuts. I usually told people that I didn't have enough money for a house, so I had to wait until I could afford it to have children. Now I am 27 and living in Japan. The only people who ask me these questions are elementary school children, and they never ask "why not?" when I say I have no children.

[Ben Round de Bloc]

I personally think that in most social situations it's impolite to ask if someone is married. If someone volunteers the information, that's fine, but I probably wouldn't ask. However, asking is nothing new, and I don't think it's limited to only a few specific countries/cultures. People ask me in Mexico, and people used to ask me when I lived in the U.S. It doesn't really bother me to be asked if I'm married. Simple answer, "No, I'm not."

In Mexico, it seems most forms that one must fill out for almost anything ask marital status, even if it has nothing to do with anything. Most of my students (all teens and adults) say that they don't see anything wrong with asking if someone is married in most social situations. They put it in the same category with asking where someone works or goes to school, interests, and favorite passtimes.

When I'm asked why I'm not married, I usually gear my answer to the situation and to the person who asks. My answers range from "Why do you want to know?" to "I haven't found anyone stupid enough to want to marry me yet," to "I'm too selfish and self-centered to get married."

At the risk of over-generalizing, in the Mexican city where I live, the common assumption about men who haven't married is that they are womanizers, homosexuals, or priests. By the same token, in this city, just because a man is married (with or without children,) that doesn't mean people automatically assume he's not gay or bisexual. Many married men here "graze on both sides of the fence," which also says something about fidelity, in my opinion. Locally, it does seem that people are becoming more accepting of the idea that marriage isn't as "required" as it used to be, in other words, that it might be okay for someone to choose to remain single.

Bottom line, if people seem overly concerned about my marital status, I see it as their problem not mine.

Best wishes!
B.R. de B.

[veiledsentiments]

With questions like this, it is very important that you know and understand the culture of the country that you are in. What are their attitudes to marriage, non-marriage, children, and such.

This is something that I had to deal with constantly in the Middle East. It is a cultural thing because they just can not imagine that a woman wouldn't be married. It is not in their realm of experience that a woman would choose not to. For instance, in the US, people would call you Ms Whoever in order to avoid seeming to assume anything about your marital status. In the ME, they would immediately call a woman Mrs First Name. To them, their assumption that you are married is an avoidance of insult. I decided to just take the question as a compliment. I decided to interpret the question to mean 'why hasn't an attractive woman like you been snatched up?"

I normally answered it by saying that not being married was my personal choice and that in my culture a woman was able to be independent without a husband. This was just incomprehensible as an idea for them, but I felt that just presenting it as an option was enough. I never made any attempt to recommend it to them. Not that they would even consider such a bizarre lifestyle choice. They also couldn't understand the idea that I chose to live alone and had for the previous 20+ years. They also have no concept that alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely. (after a day of dealing with the classroom chaos - what peace to go home to an empty quiet flat....)

Some of the students that I had for a number of semester discussed it with me. I think even more surprising to them was the idea that I would never have children - for them the main reason to be alive. Who am I to criticize their life choices. I don't think they were critical of mine - they were just curious. Why let it bother me?

To some extent I felt that it was kind of helpful for them to know that there are women in the world who make such a choice for themselves. The fact is that many of them will never marry because dowry costs have gone so high added to fact that many will also divorce and re-marriages for women are rare.

[Brooks]

I live in Japan. I like to travel and I have worked in a few other countries (Morocco, Poland, and Russia). Only in Morocco and Japan do people ask.
When I am asked I say that American women don`t like to travel, and when I want to get married I will leave and stop teaching people like you (my students). I think they can understand that, but they probably think I should have married my Japanese girlfriend.
Personally, I find the "tell me about your girlfriend" questions worse then the "are you maried" questions.
Lots of Japanese gossip, and I really get sick of it.

[Winmar]

I always got asked that sort of stuff when I was in Indonesia. It got annoying, but they're much more pre-occupied with it than we are. If a woman's not married by 28 her parents start getting worried. There marital status is printed on their identity cards. They also have family ID/info cards, which say whether or not the mother is on contraception, and if so, which one!

[Albulbul]

Well it is strange ! Historiocaly speaking it is unusual to have societies where large numbers of adults do not marry. In fact it is very odd. Try to see this from the perspective of the students.

In the ME it is almost unherad of for someone not to marry. The assumption will be that if you are not married you are some sort of misfit. Are you ?

[Robert Russell]

You are asking if we unmarrieds are misfits? Do you think that all married people are not misfits? You know some wives live in hell because of the men they end up married to

[johnslat]

Dear Albulbul,
Of course I'm a misfit. I'm an EFL teacher, aren't I? Having been twice married, twice divorced, no kids, it's the " Why no children, Mister John? " that I always get. And I always answer: " Inshallah ", which, besides being culturally suitable, is also as true an answer as I can think of.
Regards,
John