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[snorklequeen]

SO YOU'RE GLAD YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?????

The following must drive immigrants crazy when trying to figure out the English language!

Plural rules :

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese;
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those;
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him;
but imagine the fminine as being she, shis, and shim.

Some other reasons to be grateful that you grew up speaking English and didn't have to learn it:

Watch your pronunciation :

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough of a tree.

Let's face it, English is a crazy language:

There's no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither an apple nor pine in a pineapple.

English muffins did not originate in England.

Quicksand can work slowly; boxing rings are square; and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

You can make amends, but you cannot make one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and get rid of all but one of them, you are not left an odd or an end.

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? Your house can burn up as it burns down, and you fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm goes off by going on. You park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway. And finally, if Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop?



Q

[hlamb]

Fantastic, Snorkelqueen. Now I just have to explain these things to my students...!

[MoniqueG]

YES, very good!
I enjoyed this one and had some good laughs! I've learned German and some Spanish, and so I know how silly our language is at times...don't get me wrong, German has its quirks too!!!

I live with a ESLer and some questions he's come up with are very funny, and some really good questions that I found hard to answer , before learning how to answer them, that is.
Some are in your post above!

I must admit, it is a learning experience to put yourself in their 'shoes!'
To learn a second or third language - makes you a better teacher,
I think!

Thanks for posting this little tidbit.

Mapleygirl

[hlamb]

[snorklequeen]

i took a course at the local JCC on how to prepare students for the TOEFL exam -- it was a real eye-opener and gave me perspective on what it's like for a student learning English as the L2

Q

[JZer]

[Gregor]

And this, from the Brit vs American file:
Comparative idioms: The US Post Office delivers the mail, but the Royal Mail delivers the post.

[dmb]

[orangiey]

The reason for all these quirks is the fact England (my motherland!) was invaded by so many other countries, who brought their languages with them. England adopted some, changed some and with the invention of the printing press by Caxton, put it in writing!
People then tried to change it, tidy it up etc, made it worse, so then just left it. The rest is history!

To answer your question, yes i am glad I speak English. It's been my passport to see the world, communicate with so many people/cultures AND earn money to fund my life. Not bad for not much effort.

[Chris_Crossley]

Well done, snorklequeen! I think I will "inflict" all of that on my students! They are (supposed to be!) pre-master's students, yet they would find it hard to digest it all.

Another things that drives learners crazy is the array of homonyms in English:

My uncle and aunt aren't at home right now
But the strait will never be straight
The sine rule is a good sign in mathematics
So don't faint when the lined paper is too feint
He didn't know to sew, so he read the red book
Don't slay the reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh
Climb every mountain in every clime
And mail your male friends a letter
The guy's so weak he didn't come for a week
He looks so white on the Isle of Wight
I'll go the Isle of Skye and look at the sky
As well as the stye on the eye of the man in the pig-sty, aye!
He sent me to get some scent
The food on the plane was plain
The throne was thrown on the ground
It's rare to see whales in Wales
But a dog can pause on its paws
Don't break anything when you brake
It's a pain to have to replace the pane
The main attraction is the lion's mane
But you have to wipe up its stains in Staines
When it spills its tea on the tee

He ought to be wary of the bee that buzzes
Whenever the hare with the long hair bounds
And he stares at it from the foot of the stairs
And fires a flare with great flair at the grate
Near the fort where the soldiers fought
Where were the ancient soldiers?
In the Styx fighting with sticks
Yet someone taught them to use taut ropes, too
They raised hell when they razed the town to the ground
But the judge fined them when the police made their find
The maid made a full confession
While some of them paid a hefty sum

He mounted the stile with style
But forgot to close his sentence with a cloze
And give his pet doe some dough to eat
It might die if it eats some dye
Together with lead if it was led to it
By the farmer's naughty son under the blazing sun
When the mosquitoes reign where there is no rain
You would not want to meet that ewe
Or the badger set up in its sett
When the boy's friends get them in a frenz-y
After the board had got them bored!

It's not exactly prize-winning poetry, but I would be happy to accept any royalties....

[Jizzo T. Clown]

This story comes from fun-with-words.com:

An Oronym Story � Ladle Rat Rotten Hut
Even more impressive in length is the following oronym story. It is the tale of Little Red Riding Hood... but not the famous version; this one is constructed entirely from homophones: Ladle Rat Rotten Hut. This curious version was written in 1940 by a professor of French named H. L. Chace. He wanted to show his students that intonation is an integral part of the meaning of language. Try reading it out loud (best in the accent of Southern/Central USA)!

Wants pawn term, dare worsted ladle gull hoe lift wetter murder inner ladle cordage, honor itch offer lodge, dock, florist. Disk ladle gull orphan worry putty ladle rat cluck wetter ladle rat hut, an fur disk raisin pimple colder Ladle Rat Rotten Hut.

Wan moaning, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut's murder colder inset. "Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, heresy ladle basking winsome burden barter an shirker coc.kles. Tick disk ladle basking tutor cordage offer groinmurder hoe lifts honor udder site offer florist. Shaker lake! Dun stopper laundry wrote! Dun stopper peck floors! Dun daily-doily inner florist, an yonder nor sorghum-stenches, dun stopper torque wet strainers!"

"Hoe-cake, murder," resplendent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut, an tickle ladle basking an stuttered oft. Honor wrote tutor cordage offer groin-murder, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut mitten anomalous woof. "Wail, wail, wail!" set disk wicket woof, "Evanescent Ladle Rat Rotten Hut! Wares are putty ladle gull goring wizard ladle basking?"

"Armor goring tumor groin-murder's," reprisal ladle gull. "Grammar's seeking bet. Armor ticking arson burden barter an shirker coc.kles."

"O hoe! Heifer gnats woke," setter wicket woof, butter taught tomb shelf, "Oil tickle shirt court tutor cordage offer groin-murder. Oil ketchup wetter letter, an den - O bore!"

Soda wicket woof tucker shirt court, an whinney retched a cordage offer groin-murder, picked inner windrow, an sore debtor pore oil worming worse lion inner bet. En inner flesh, disk abdominal woof lipped honor bet, paunched honor pore oil worming, an garbled erupt. Den disk ratchet ammonol pot honor groin-murder's nut cup an gnat-gun, any curdled ope inner bet.

Inner ladle wile, Ladle Rat Rotten Hut a raft attar cordage, an ranker dough ball. "Comb ink, sweat hard," setter wicket woof, disgracing is verse. Ladle Rat Rotten Hut entity betrum an stud buyer groin~murder's bet.

"O Grammar!" crater ladle gull historically, "Water bag icer gut! A nervous sausage bag ice!"

"Battered lucky chew whiff, sweat hard," setter bloat-Thursday woof, wetter wicket small honors phase.

"O Grammar, water bag noise! A nervous sore suture anomolous prognosis!"

"Battered small your whiff, doling," whiskered dole woof, ants mouse worse waddling.

"O Grammar, water bag mouser gut! A nervous sore suture bag mouse!"

Daze worry on-forger-nut ladle gull's lest warts. Oil offer sodden, caking offer carvers an sprinkling otter bet, disk hoard hoarded woof lipped own pore Ladle Rat Rotten Hut an garbled erupt.

Mural: Yonder nor sorghum stenches shut ladle gulls stopper torque wet strainers.


Tea And

[Pollux]

Or:

Let’s face it: English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day an cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Now I know why I flunked my English. It’s not my fault; the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going.

[Stephen Jones]

Hate to be pedantic and spoil the party but there are explanations for nearly all the "irrationalities" you mention.

English is not the only language to have large numbers of hononyms as a result of phonetic change through history. However it has maintained a basically etymological spelling so the honomyms are spelt differently, whilst in other languages they are spelt the same, and thus appear to be the same word.

There is no 'ham' in 'hamburger' because the word comes from 'Hamburg'. and a pineapple does look somewhat like a large pine cone and look like an apple. In fact in the 15ht century pineapple was a word for a pine cone.

The irregular plurals you refer to were regular at one time. The regularity got lost, and they became fossilized forms. 'fingers' don't fing but 'fingerers' do 'finger'.

[Pollux]

I totally agree with first guy who looked at a pineapple and said: 'You know, that looks like those pine cones back home.' I'm even with the other guy who said: 'Yeah, and it looks like an... apple?! They were just brainstorming.

The problem comes with all the other guys who agreed with the second guy

And you're not being pedantic at all. Haven't we all learned a lot from Cliff Claven?

[orangiey]

A lot of the irregular plurals are the aftermark of German (along with other languages).

The plural of box is boxes but ox becomes oxen and child becomes children. This is taken from German eg. House and housen.
As mentioned before it's a mixture of languages and if we removed all the foreign words not a lot would be left!

This is a subject that 'floats my boat'

Bill Byson wrote a great book on the History of the English Language and it will explain just about everything