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Do you have real Japanese friends? |
I have many Japanese mates |
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16% |
[ 6 ] |
I have some Japanese mates |
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21% |
[ 8 ] |
I have one or two Japanese mates |
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37% |
[ 14 ] |
I have no japanese mates |
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24% |
[ 9 ] |
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Total Votes : 37 |
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japanman
Joined: 24 Nov 2005 Posts: 281 Location: England
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 3:02 am Post subject: Genuine Japanese mates |
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Hello, Just wondering how many people have real Japanese friends of the same gender as them. Not just talking about people you drink with sometimes etc but real mates that you trust as much as your mates from your home country. People talk on this forum a lot about intergration into society etc. I think that if you have local mates and then are accepted into some form of group, then you have entered into society in a meaningful way, even if you think you are not accepted by society as a whole.
Ive lived in kansai for a while now and have seen very little in the way of meaningful friendships. I have some "mates" and my girfriend and her mates etc. But real mates, i would only place one Japanese man into that catogery. After seven years here thats pretty low and my japanese ability is easily enough to have mates who dont speak any English.
How about others out there? |
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sallycat
Joined: 11 Mar 2006 Posts: 303 Location: behind you. BOO!
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 4:35 am Post subject: |
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i left japan after seven years because i realised i didn't have any genuine japanese friends. drinking buddys yes, but not friends. and, like you. my japanese was good enough for me to have friends, |
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kdynamic

Joined: 05 Nov 2005 Posts: 562 Location: Japan
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 4:41 am Post subject: |
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In my experience talking to people about this topic, it appears that foriegn guys seems to have a hard time becoming real friends with Japanese guys. But as a girl, I find it extremely easy to become close friends with Japanese girls and guys. I have noticed this distinction as a general theme, but I am wondering if it's just a coincidence of the people I know, or a general thing?
Personally, I have made some really wonderful friends in Japan and honestly, for me, that's the best part of living here. |
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Apsara
Joined: 20 Sep 2005 Posts: 2142 Location: Tokyo, Japan
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 5:00 am Post subject: |
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I have a lot of good Japanese friends. Most of them I practice yoga with so we have something in common- that really helps I'm sure. |
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furiousmilksheikali

Joined: 31 Jul 2006 Posts: 1660 Location: In a coffee shop, splitting a 30,000 yen tab with Sekiguchi.
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 6:10 am Post subject: |
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kdynamic wrote: |
In my experience talking to people about this topic, it appears that forgn guys seem to have a hard time becoming real friends with Japanese guys.
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I have to agree with kdynamic! |
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japanman
Joined: 24 Nov 2005 Posts: 281 Location: England
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 6:14 am Post subject: |
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It looks already like it is not only me. Foreign guys and Japanese guys are rarely good mates. So the next step is to ask why this is? |
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callmesim
Joined: 27 Oct 2005 Posts: 279 Location: London, UK
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 7:30 am Post subject: |
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I'm spoken to some other friends about this and some of my female friends have spoken to their female Japanese friends and they've said they are wary of foreign guys because they see so many of them as being horny little devils.
I even find that at some of the schools I teach at. Just because you're being friendly, sometimes you get the vibe of "back off, toey foreigner" and to be honest, who can blame them? The percentage of guys who come here for that very reason is rather creepy.
As for male Japanese friends.... I don't find I meet many and I kind of put that down to the same reason so many 20-somethings are single - the guys become consumed by their jobs.
Just my theory on it all. |
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luckyloser700
Joined: 24 Mar 2006 Posts: 308 Location: Japan
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 2:07 pm Post subject: |
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Japanese guys become very competitive with other Japanese men and those that they perceive as trustworthy and down-to-earth, they become good "mates" with. It's a process that takes time and many Japanese friends keep their friends from childhood and don't make many in their adult years. If they're wary of other Japanese men to begin with, it's obvious that they're going to be wary of foreign Japanese guys.
Just another opinion |
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Lynn

Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 696 Location: in between
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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My best friend is Japanese, but we met in college. Throughout my years in Japan I did make some good friends. The only ones who have stuck, though are an older couple. They are about the same age as my parents. They have 2 boys, one is is older and one is is younger. They had a little girl, but she died at 3 months of age. I was born just a few weeks after their daughter. In many ways, I was like the daughter that didn't survive. They took really, really good care of me. I got extremely ill while I was in Japan. I thought I was going to die. They picked me up off the floor of my apartment and carried me back to their house and nursed me back to health. I am forever grateful. |
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callmesim
Joined: 27 Oct 2005 Posts: 279 Location: London, UK
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 4:52 pm Post subject: |
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Wow!! What an amazing story. And a nice story too!!
As for your college friend, I think the Japanese who have lived abroad are a different kettle of fish. They are much easier to get passed that barrier. I often don't think of them as Japanese. Some take it as a compliment. Others are not as enthused. |
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guest of Japan

Joined: 28 Feb 2003 Posts: 1601 Location: Japan
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Posted: Tue Aug 29, 2006 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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I have two very good male Japanese friends. It takes years to build up a quality friendship with a Japanese guy, then lives work and home lives start to get in the way of the friendships, but there is a deep loyalty in the friendship.
Some of my friends have commented that it is quite rare for Japanese in their late twenties or over to actually make new friends. |
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Vince
Joined: 05 May 2003 Posts: 559 Location: U.S.
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Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 4:20 am Post subject: |
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I didn't have any genuine male friends when I was in Japan. But I must admit that I generally stopped giving them the chance after one too many instances of it turning out to be about English practice or some other gaijin-friend benefit. There were two guys I could have developed friendships with, but we just never made the effort. Friendships with Japanese women, however, were much easier (no, it wasn't always sexually motivated).
As others have said, Japanese men tend to form lifelong friendships with schoolmates and coworkers. If you're not in one of those groups, you tend to fall into the utility friend category. |
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taikibansei
Joined: 14 Sep 2004 Posts: 811 Location: Japan
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Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:07 am Post subject: |
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Vince wrote: |
As others have said, Japanese men tend to form lifelong friendships with schoolmates and coworkers. If you're not in one of those groups, you tend to fall into the utility friend category. |
I'd argue this is true of friendships formed everywhere, even in our home countries. E.g., all my really close friendships back home were with schoolmates and colleagues. Similarly in Japan, with two exceptions, all my friends are people I've met at work.
I think with many (most?) foreigners here, the problem is that neither of these two options are available. Most of us don't attend regular school here, so that's out. At work, if you're in the typical eikaiwa, your peers are all foreigners--your options there for Japanese friendships are the office clerical staff and your boss. If you're an ALT (or even a college instructor), you too often get treated as a mere "temp"--with the further result that people don't bother to befriend you...because you'll be gone soon anyway.
I'm "tenured" (how safe is even "tenure" for foreigners in Japan today?), a status which has opened doors for several strong friendships. My friendships outside the workplace have come through my participation in clubs/schools (basketball and karate) and in activities with our neighborhood association. All my friendships have required a high level of Japanese, luck (you need to meet someone you'd want to befriend first), and a lot of time and energy on both sides. If you are not going to live in Japan permanently (or at least long term), making and maintaining such friendships becomes a difficult choice.... |
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kdynamic

Joined: 05 Nov 2005 Posts: 562 Location: Japan
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Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:49 am Post subject: |
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I think it's true that people all over make friends through work, clubs, organizations, etc. Or they are friends from your school days. Or they are other parents where your kids go to kindergarten. Or whatever. But all those things require integration into the community and long term connections and probably imply that you're going to stick around a while.
It doesn't have to be that way though. I don't have plans to stay in Japan for a long time, or kids or anything. When I think about how I made my lasting and close friendships with Japanese people, I met them through:
school (I was an exchange student and am still friends with people from that time)
clubs at school
part time job while I was a student
bars (went out a lot as a student)
work (my job now)
mutual friends... once you make friends it easy to make more
and a couple over internet penpal sites
I really think it does help to be a girl (still havent quite got that one figured out). It also helps to speak Japanese. I don't have any Japanese friends I speak English with.
I think the best way to make Japanese friends is to join something. Sports team. Martial arts dojo. Motorcycle gang. Ikebana class. Singing group. Anything really. |
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SeasonedVet
Joined: 28 Aug 2006 Posts: 236 Location: Japan
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Posted: Wed Aug 30, 2006 3:04 pm Post subject: |
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I have been here a while and I have thought about this topic alot and I have discussed it with my Japanese friends and acquaintances too.
To this date I do not have any male Japanese friends.
I do have female Japanese friends.
Someone asked Why is it that we as male foreigners here don't or can't make true friendships with japanese males.
This is my opinion based on my observations and what Japanese people have told me and by the way it is Not restricted to Males, it is difficult to make female friends too but it is easier to make female friends rather than Male friends.
Everything in Japan is done in groups. We all Know that right?
So, elementary of J H School friends Remain friends throughout their lives. They usually do not make other frinds along the way. Now I have to qualify that word friend. I mean they do make acquaintances or not-so-close friends but their real friends will be one or few or some from School, from childhood. This will continue throughout their lives.
This is Not limited to males, this includes females also.
Having said that, it is also true that Japanese Females seem to be more willing to meet foreigners than Japanese males. Females seem to be less shy and more confident at this. And some of them are looking at alternatives to the Japanese system which has basically ignored the woman's ability, and ambitions.
Males are Not generally looking for what the females are looking for. They are quite comfortable in a Japan that caters to males.
One more thing. You idea of what a true friend is and my idea of what a true friend is may not be the same. japanese people seem awfully polite and helpful (To foreigners, not so much to other Japanese people). so we seem quite happy that they take care of us etc. it seems like wow! this surely wouldn't happen back home would it?
It would be interesting to wait and see how long those friendships last?
Over the years some of mine just evaporated, some people just disappeared, changed telephone numbers etc.
Were they true friends?
what was their purpose?
And another thing. How often do we do stuff like that to Japanese people?
One of my very close japanese friends told me of her experiences where foreign guys just disappeared, or didn't show up or stopped mailing etc with no reason given. |
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