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Twisting in the Wind · Joined: 20 Oct 2003 Posts: 571 Location: Purgatory

While I'm at it, posting about my best/worst nationalities to teach, here's my list of other classroom subgroups (I DID NOT say "subhumans") I love to hate. Let's see if someone out there can relate

1 The mentally ill student--I'm not talking about about the hyper student, or even the depressed one. I'm talking about the delusional one who starts hallucinating in class while you're waxing poetic on past participial adjectives. Or the stare-daggers-at-you while you're monitoring pair practice, or the mutter-to-himself-all crazy-eyed student, or the student with compulsively unrealistic expectations of his/her language ability whose English still sucks despite studying day and night, and who finally tries to slit his/her wrists after failing the first test. And you can't get rid of them to save your life because they latch onto you in the most unhealthy way imaginable. This type of student is pernicious and toxic. If you try going to the office to appeal to your boss to get that student out of your class, they can usually pull it together long enough to appear normal and make you look like the crazy one. I suggest prayer, counselling (for you, NOT them) and a good stiff drink (or something stronger)

2. Misplaced Low Beginners in High Beginning Classes--The type of student that when you stare into their eyes, a frightened hamster stares back, the type of student that when you say "Hello," says, "hdgfrs ytbgre prew hhgfb" The type of student that when you make an attempt to politely greet them in their language, makes a single chopping gesture with one of their arms while phonetically shrieking, "NO ENGLISH!" Clueless but basically harmless

3. Husband and Wife Tagteams in Class--Usually the husband has higher English skills than the wife due to his being out in the working world, but they're such lovebirds (read: "co-dependent") that they refuse to be separated into separate, ability-appropriate classes, so you're stuck.

4. Children in Adult ESL Classes--Now, gentle teacher, your school may have a policy against this, but most of them are so friggin' greedy that I seriously doubt it's enforced. The weirdest class dynamic I've ever had: 3 adult males and one ten-year old girl in an Advanced Discussion class. Now what were HER parents thinking? I couldn't pawn her off into another class because she was too high for the other classes. Forget about any adult-themed topic--even mild ones are too adult for a ten year old. She has not yet reached the age where she can think critically, so forget about language activities involving problem solving and analysis. I think I just ended up giving her grammar papers to copy while conducting class as usual with the rest

5. Students Who Listen When They're Supposed to Repeat and Repeat When They're Supposed to Listen--Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

6. Students Who Turn Their Namecards Towards Themselves Instead of Towards the Teacher--I feel like saying, "Having a hard time remembering our own names, are we?" except I can't speak most of their languages. I could say that in Spanish to the Colombians but I'm afraid of being shot dead.

scot47 · Joined: 10 Jan 2003 Posts: 15343

Oh dear. It sounds to me that you may be teaching in a very weird place !

ohman · Joined: 09 Sep 2003 Posts: 239 Location: B' Um Fouk, Egypt

Chill friend.
When was your last long break? How far are you from Amsterdam?

Twisting in the Wind · Joined: 20 Oct 2003 Posts: 571 Location: Purgatory

I'm teaching in LA. That weird enough?
Twisting in the Wind

fat_chris · Joined: 10 Sep 2003 Posts: 3198 Location: Beijing

Rock, rock, rock. Rock and roll high school.

Cool

Twisting in the Wind · Joined: 20 Oct 2003 Posts: 571 Location: Purgatory

My last long break was this summer. Two weeks in Tahiti and Bora Bora. But I think I need to go again. In fact, I think I may need a vacation every other week.
Twisting in the Wind

dmb · Joined: 12 Feb 2003 Posts: 8397

And your new class sarting next week includes a student from each of the above categories. If you are in LA can't you sort out a gun(To be used on either you or the students)

Twisting in the Wind · Joined: 20 Oct 2003 Posts: 571 Location: Purgatory

Yes, precisely. One from each of those categories. I actually knew a teacher who actually did bring a gun to class. (He was fired).
Twisting in the Wind

ohman · Joined: 09 Sep 2003 Posts: 239 Location: B' Um Fouk, Egypt

Have you seen Bowling for Columbine? Maybe you should give Marilyn Manson a ring. He'll listen.

dyak · Joined: 25 Jun 2003 Posts: 630

Lol.

Lynn · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Posts: 696 Location: in between

Twisting in the Wind · Joined: 20 Oct 2003 Posts: 571 Location: Purgatory

Yup. Ain't ESL fun?

denise · Joined: 23 Apr 2003 Posts: 3419 Location: finally home-ish

Thanks for the laughs!!

What about absolute total zero beginners in advanced classes? I once had a guy who could barely tell me his name in a class (4 Ss total) that was studying for the FCE.

d

Twisting in the Wind · Joined: 20 Oct 2003 Posts: 571 Location: Purgatory

What about absolute total zero beginners in advanced classes?

I would've kicked his arse right back down to low beginning where he belonged.

Or this one: two students in a beginning class: one an absolute zero level beginner, the other a false beginner who actually probably tested at the low intermediate level. And they didn't speak each others languages and they both refused to budge.

woza17 · Joined: 25 May 2003 Posts: 602 Location: china

I thought your post was brilliant, after reading it I guessed you were teaching in China.
I lost patience the other day asking a simple question to the class, Where are you from" response, where are you from , no no I am asking you a question, where are you from, same response Ok let me guess ,Stupidland.
I blame it on leaded petrol
Cheers Carol