Job Discussion Forums

[basiltherat]

I'm intertested as to whether people made a concious choice to marry a foreigner or whether it just happened to be so.
In my case it just happened. I'd never actually considered it alto once the possibility was there i tried to be as sure as possible about the consequences of marrying someone from a different culture etc. read a lot and got lots of advice from those already married to foreigners. still, i face problems which i had never even thought of. Nevertheless, all in all, i have no regrets.
without going into details, how do you feel about your decision to get into a 'mixed' marriage and how do your kids cope with being from a 'mixed' marriage ?
In my case, my kids do feel a little disoriented. In other words, dont actually know 'where they come from'. Is it from Indonesia or UK ? Its not a big deal for them but it can be slightly confusing.
best
basil

[spiral78]

It's kind of a strange idea, to marry a 'foreigner.' Who's a foreigner? Do you mean someone from a different country than you? With a different mother tongue? Or couldn't it just be someone from a different socio/economic/educational status?

And, if you don't have children, is it still such a challenge?

I married a Czech. In the Czech Rep. Who's the foreigner?
We have lived in Luxembourg, Nederlands, and Canada (none of which are either of our home countries - I'm from the US). Who's the foreigner now?

Who can be a foreigner inside a marraige?

[denise]

Does being briefly engaged to a foreigner qualify me to respond? I can comment on how happy I am to have extricated myself from a miserable situation.

WARNING: Somehow this has turned into a fairly personal post, so for those of you who feel uncomfortable with personal exchanges on anonymous forums, please skip to the next post!

My engagement was tenuous at best--although my ex did propose and I did say yes, from that moment on (well, from the beginning, actually, but that's a whole 'nother story), things got weird. I was prepared for sacrifices, compromises, etc., but what I was not prepared for was having to do all of the planning and make all of the sacrifices myself. So much for compromising! The situation: with little time left on my contract in Peru and huge debts to pay off, we agreed that I would have to work my butt off to pay them off first so that I could return to Peru. Meanwhile, my ex was going to look for a job (he didn't have one and didn't have a degree either) and finish his degree so that we could both earn decent salaries when I returned. Well, I held up my end of the agreement (and here I am now in Oman, where I came to save up money so that I could return to Peru) whereas he fell back into his old ways--almost but not quite getting a job, giving up on his studies, asking me to send him money to pay off a debt that he incurred borrowing from someone else to pay off a debt, etc. I saw all those signs as bad omens of things to come. I could not endure the thought of a life with me being the only responsible one, me doing all the planning and making all of the sacrifices, me supporting a family by myself, and him trying to control me (which he did--tried to change, manipulate, etc.) I don't want to generalize to an entire culture, but there is a certain stereotype about smothering, melodramatic Latinos, and he definitely was.

Now that I look back on it, the whole thing seems like a hazy dream (nightmare?). I think our whole relationship happening in Spanish makes it now seem unreal--like it wasn't really me. (There are theories out there about how your personality changes when you use a different language!)

When our relationship fell apart (well, when I ended it), I looked around me and thought, "Hmmm... here I am in Oman, but my reason for coming here no longer exists!" It was really a depressing thought. I didn't want to come here initially. I could have managed my debts somehow in the US. Thankfully I have found a wonderful guy here, so now I have a reason to stay!. (Oh, and the job is nice too!)

d

[spiral78]

Very interesting post, Denise. I'm intrigued by the idea of being (to some extent) a different person when speaking a different language. I can feel that, a bit.

In any case, congrats on having the guts to foresee the future and break things off before they became official. That takes quite a bit of strength and self-control.

[MELEE]

Denise,

Thanks for sharing. That sounds an awful lot like some of the relationships my college friends are in/have been in back in the US. And their boyfriend/husband is American! Unfortunately I don't think you can chalk it up to his being "a foriegner". Maybe the exoticness lured you into it though?

I also like Spirals ideas about using the word foriegner, my husband and I hold different nationalities, but I generally don't think or him, or me as the case may be as foriegn. There are some good resources online for those of you in multicultural/multilingual relationships.

[naturegirl321]

I'm sure that foreigner isn't politically correct, but I use it in posts as well. I married a Peruvian in Peru, my Dad asked me why I married a foreigner and I tell him that I didn't, my husband did.

It was unconscious for me. I never wanted to get married. Watching my parents going through a hellish marriage while growing up turned me off. My mom's been wanting a divorce for 16 years. Why can't she get one, well according to Illinios law, she would have to pay my dad for half of everything, becuase everything's in both their names. So sadly, we're waiting for my dad to die.

BUt back to the topic. I wanted to teach and study in different countries and then start adopting when I hit thirty. I wanted to adopt kids from Romania (my mother's from there) and China (I feel like it's where I belong) But not what Angelina Jolie did. I wanted to adopt them and live in their country. Never wanted to marry or be in a relationship seeing the emotional damage that my father's done to us.

HOwever, I found someone who I feel in love with. At first I didn't want to admit it. I was scared and also I like being in control, and I would have to give that up.

I only planned on spending a year in Peru, now it's been three and we'll probably be here for two more before heading off to China and live in "our" country, rather than his or mine.

[sidjameson]

For my wife and I the biggest problem has been work. She's Thai and we live in Japan. her career is going nowhere here, but if we moved to Thailand I would have to take at least 4 steps down the TEFL ladder. Knowing that a person you love is feeling smothered by their lack of opportunities is pretty hard to think about.

[Justin Trullinger]

My, my. This thread is getting a bit, erm, personal. Group hug?


There are a few around here in approximately the same situation that I am. My partner (unmarried, long story, not going into it here) and I are from different countries, but live in a third.

One of the interesting side effects is that, try as we might, nobody can remember where we're from. Her colleagues endlessly assume that I'm from the UK, as she is. New aquaintances always ask me, before meeting her, if she is "American or Ecuadorian." (Somehow it never occurs to them that there might be more options.)

If I point out that we aren't from the same country, they get confused. "She's English, I'm from the US," I point out. "Oh," they say, and roll their eyes. "Same thing."



Justin

[MELEE]

I realized I didn't answer the question in my previous post.

I think I might have made a conscious decision.
I majored in Latin American Studies and studied abroad in Chile in university. And I came back from Chile with a definate interest in having a Latin American partner. But shortly after my return to the US I met my ex (not latin in the least) and started what was to be a 5 year relationship. I thought, oh well, guess it wasn't in the cards. When we broke up I made a bee line back to Latin America. Mostly because I missed the language and culture and was not looking for a new relationship right away. But they always seem to find you when your not looking. The rest is history.

[Guy Courchesne]

Like Denise, this one's deeply personal. But what they hey...I love you all.

Well, first, I'm the foreigner in these parts...the oddball at family gatherings dominated by pi�atas and heated dinner table discussion of Mexican politics.

I didn't make a conscious choice before coming...it just happened. Oddly, however, on the day I left Canada for here, the last words I exchanged with my mother were these:

Mom: So when are you coming back?
Me: Not sure. But hey, maybe I'll bring back a wife!
Together, knowing me all too well: Ahahahahahahaha!

Shortly after arriving in Mexico, I'd picked up a private student - my current wife, who happened to be the sister of another student of mine. Classes rapidly turned into dates, at which point I realized I couldn't charge for the English time anymore. We married in Canada nine months later.

No children from this union, which is probably for the best since now, 6 years on, we're divorcing.

The timing of this thread for me is perfect as it's a time to look back and figure out what went wrong. Many of the troubles stem from culture...a mixed marriage full of impossible expectations that probably began as a thing too closely tied to the 'newness' of Mexico.

[Justin Trullinger]

Right on, Guy. And stay philosophical, as it beats heavy drinking. (Which may also provide a certain perspective on days that philosophising seems too exhausting.)

I haven't been through this one yet- but I have observed in a fair number of my friends that "mixed" marriages can be a really mixed bag. Even the most successful are frightfully hard work, and the break-up rate, at least amongst my unscientific sample, seems way high.

I have a theory that this is down to the unlikelihood of common expectations between partners of different cultures. Thoughts, anyone?


All the best,
Justin

[spiral78]

Very interesting.

Guy, condolences. It can probably be a great relief, on one hand, but it's never easy to end a relationship, no matter how right it is to end.

There are definite differences between my spouse's culture and mine. But that's never been a problem; we share enough big ideas (so far) to make it all work.

I have to say that, for us at least, we have always had as much or greater chance to stay together as couples who are from the same country/culture/lifestyle/even town.

I definitely would not describe it as 'frightfully hard work.' Maybe this is more generally true if you have children and parents who have Expectations. We're lucky to be free of both...

[Gringo Greg]

I've been divorced enough. I'm happy now, my current wife of 5 years is good for me. I don't think of her as a foreigner, I just think of other Americans, Brits, etc as foreigners. That's my perspective now 12years outside of the US.

Anyways, my wife is from one country and we are living in a third country. We both know that this country is not ours, but still it can be fun.

[denise]

[MELEE]

Guy I'm so sorry to hear the news, it is never easy to untangle two interwinded lives....

At least now we know what has been keeping Guy away from the cafe. I'm glad to hear that you are going to stick around in Mexico.

I also would not describe being married to someone from a different culture as "Frightfully hard work", but likewise, it is not a walk in the park. I'm a big Latinophile so that helps us a lot. Also, my husband and his family are bicultural already Mestizo-meets-Indigenous. They already know a lot about making cultural compromises.

In terms of the "unlikelihood of common expectations" I think that it is just way more important to TALK. Communication is important in any relationship--but in a bicultural one it is more dangerous to leave things unsaid.

This September we will have been together for 9 years, married for 4. I had a lot of time to decide that this was what I really wanted before we got married. We basically did the legal marriage as a percursor to starting a family.