Job Discussion Forums

[sidjameson]

Humid air, noise of cars, winds blowing between artificial skyscrapers, artificial ground without flowers. They all are annoying him, but a lady next to him is the only hope for him to live in the center of this crap city.



My student wrote this as the first paragraph of his short story. I rewrote it, keeping as close to the original as possible. But all the students felt my version didn't capture the style of the students writing which they claimed was typical Japanese style.

So if anybody would like to have a go at writing the above be my guest. I am curious to see if anybody can do a better job than I. I will let my students appraise it in class.

[DNK]

Is this the original or your rewriting?

And why are we rewriting it, and why did you rewrite it?

Am I to give a critical analysis?

Should we discuss if it's right to force foreign norms of thought and style along with the language in terms of creative works?

[JimDunlop2]

[Sherri]

Like DNK, I don't understand why you rewrote it. What was the purpose of the assignment? If it was for the students to learn to develop their writing skills, then rewriting for the student does not do much for the student, and it just makes a lot of unnecessary extra work for you.

I prefer not to change what my students write too much but instead get them to think about the ideas they want to express and how to organize the information.

In this situation, I would just raise his awareness of the grammar slips. So I would ask him to look at his use of articles (the noise of cars..., wind blowing..., but the lady...) I might also suggest the use of the past tense instead of the present for style, but I would not insist on it. I think what he wrote is pretty damn good.

Sherri

[Glenski]

The student made a brilliant effort to write. Anything more than the corrections below is slapping this genius in the face and demotivating him.

"Humid air, the noise of cars, wind blowing between skyscrapers, artificial ground without flowers. They all annoy him, but a lady next to him is the only hope for him to live in the center of this crap city. "

That student has style! The only reason I deleted artificial is because it is redundant to write that with skyscrapers unless there is a specific reason. Ask and/or explain, but let this prose be!

[furiousmilksheikali]

[gaijin4life]

[sidjameson]

Thanks for everything. Seems like I have to own up when I got it so wrong. I put what I wrote on the general discussion forum thread if anyone cares.

I accept the opinion that I have done a disservice to the kid. Gonna have to eat humble pie in the next class.

But doesn't, "they are all annoying him" need further explanation? I mean this is the first reference to a character. Thats why I felt the need for "annoying the man standing....."
"humid air, noise of cars...wind" wouldn't you use "the"


As a sleight reprieve, I often hand out this students work as an example of a well written piece. This time I also did as the rest of the story was written with the same creative wit and style. It was just the first paragraph that I felt needed brushing up.

Majority opinion tells me that I was wrong. The funny thing is that in my communication classes I never focus on the students errors in anything like the same way. I always stress the importance of fluency over accuracy.

In my one other writing class the level is lower so focus on error correction at the sentence level is more appropriate, but I do sometimes get the feeling in this class of wondering what exactly I should be "teaching" the students.

[furiousmilksheikali]

The students' prose was naive but was far more interesting as the stark grammar reflected the bleakness of the protagonist's situation better than your, sorry, pedestrian rewrite:

[taffer]

Humid air, noise of cars, winds blowing between artificial skyscrapers, artificial ground without flowers. They all are annoying him, but a lady next to him is the only hope for him to live in the center of this crap city.

Sultry was cancelled after half a season. So I got Choking On Sweaty Carbon Soup to breathe. Failed arias called Hondas, Daihatsus and Toyotas hurry up and wait, the public infection, traffic. I cower between the God-accusing cigar tube Inkons of the city, 900 foot high Sumo wrestlers robed in dull emerald panes nodding in silent retarded merriment plopped down into my psyche in perfect geometric pixel prurience on blank Terra that has fallen out of favor with even the weeds.

In the center of this eager genki neon deluge and its tinny continuous droning harassment- I SIT NEXT TO AN ANGEL.

And she keeps me alive.

[markle]

[TokyoLiz]

Markle, go soak your head.

Taffer's rewrite is brilliant as an exercise in evocative writing.

Sid, I'm in agreement with Glenski. The student has talent. If the opening passage is the original, I'd say change it not a whit except for the word order , They are all annoying him....

I would recommend preserving his expression and bleakness as much as possible.

It's a great opening for a story. Tell him Gambatte from me!

[markle]

Sorry Liz, but I think you'll find that taffer was taking the pi ss.

[GreenEyes]

I agree with Glenski`s suggestions. It`s an excellent creative effort and gives me a sense of the writer`s - or character`s - voice. The passive "noise of cars" works well, given the overall effect of what`s been written. And although "artificial skyscrapers" is a) redundant and b) awkward to a degree, it really depends on the greater context of the story. Skyscrapers - as artificial trees growing from a concrete forest - can take on a life of their own. Although it`s not clear that that was the author`s intention - especially given that English is his seond language - it still has potential.

[TokyoLiz]

Markle, I'm well aware he's t a k i n the p i s s.

He does it with style though, eh?