Job Discussion Forums

[Canuck2112]

Seagal's movies, more or less, follow the same basic formula:

1.) Seagal is portrayed as either:
a.) Living a calm, peaceful life...trying to escape a violent past
b.) Living a dangerous life, but somehow being more "in touch with the spirits" than his brutish cop/CIA coworkers

2.) Seagal has to avenge something...be it his murdered family, a battleship comandeered by terrorists, or the toxic waste laden forests of Alaska.

3.) Seagal is shown in some drawn out, ridiculous "training scene" in which he hits random planks of wood, administers accupuncture on himself, performs jump kicks on empty barrels, etc. At some point in this scene we encounter "Spiritual Seagal", in which he contacts the spirits of the proud Haida Indians of the Pacific Northwest, his old Sensei, or his dwindling career.

4.) Seagal enters a fight scenario in which he is a.) unbelievably resourceful and b.) never hit. Usually this fight is against redneck locals and/or general riff-raff, and it always makes him look good in front of his lady-friend.

Toss into the mix the two mandatory scenes of ANY Seagal movie:
a.) The part where Seagal's female interest comments on the size of his genitalia
b.) The part where Seagal explains that, although he lives in the tough inner city, he spent many years wandering the mountains of Japan and/or meditating with Tibetan monks in a monastery.

You'll notice that Seagal keeps creative control over all his movies. I can just picture him in his trailer changing the script (all in the third person of course) "Seagal isn't happy with this scene. Seagal gets hit....Seagal NEVER gets hit...let me just edit that out. And here, Seagal's woman comments that his member his 'huge'...calling Seagal's member 'huge' is like calling the Mona Lisa 'a sketch'...Seagal's member is 'freaky huge'...let me just add that here".

Not much in Hollywood bothers or excites me, but Seagal is a precancerous lump growing on the giant buttock that is tinseltown. Mark-o, you stun him, and I'll deliver a "Hogan Leg Drop" (the only reasonable choice in a situation like that)

[ntropy]

Seagal is so tough in real life, the mafia shook him down, demanding a cut of his movies and protection money. Big, tough guy Seagal's reaction? Whimper and pay.

This is documented in recent court cases

[Canuk girl]

I forgot to mention that in real life his hair is sooo dyed with what must be the cheapest dye around.. its all dried out.. kaka old man curly hair (the kind of curl that people need to have relaxed out of their hair.. like mini kinks). .. maybe if he brushes it it will all fall out? And he has one heck of a fake orange tan. People probably don't fear his size.. it was his coy "I'm so hot you know you want me" smile that struck fear into my own heart, as it did nothing to help his terrible 'I'm ninety two years old in real life, but trying to look twenty six' facade. (they need an 'I'm going to vomit' emoticon on here)

[Brooks]

I am moving this week and last night I was throwing stuff out but then I found something:
An old Metroplis with an interview with Stevan Seagal, from August 24, 2001. Here are the highlights:

He used to be an English teacher.
He has black belts in aikido, karate, judo, and kendo.
He speaks Japanese with a kansai dialect.
He released a blues CD on which he plays the guitar and sings.

a few quotes:

"My message to the youth of today is to find the best people to be around."

"Nothing in life is black and white."

"I wouldn`t wish my worst enemy to be an actor"

"What`s happening to the gardens, architecture and religions? It`s very important to protect them because they are the essence of Japan."
Are you there, Shmooj?


Now a direct quote from the magazine:

'He admits he is know tiring of the action genre. "I am looking forward to doing stories on themes people care about, stories that make people laugh, cry and lead them to contemplation," he said, adding it has been hard to do because producers want him to keep making martial arts movies. That`s where the money is.
Unlike his last few films, Exit Wounds scored big at the US box office, partly because its plot was less predictable than earlier Segal films, even if its action scenes weren`t. For the part, Seagal shed his trademark ponytail.'

[Mark-O]

What a profound fellow the seagull is! Those quotes must've taken him hours of deep thought and intense contemplation ... they must've came to him during his many hours of spiritual meditation in that mountain top temple with the Tibetan monks.

"My message to the youth of today is to find the best people to be around." - Really? How did you come to this highly complex conclusion, STEVE? A moment of ingenuity, the voice of god no less.

"Nothing in life is black and white." - On the contrary, the fact that you are a washed-up, obese, talentless clown who struts around with the charade of being a Navaho descendent is examplory of a 'black and white' situation in life, STEVE!

"I wouldn`t wish my worst enemy to be an actor" - Yes, more so if he has to star alongside you and try to compensate for your no-talent a$$ on set, STEVE!

"What`s happening to the gardens, architecture and religions? It`s very important to protect them because they are the essence of Japan." - So how much of your annual salary are you pouring into this cause, STEVE? Oh, I forgot, you're too busy selling your second of your two wives father's dojo whilst pi$$ing your money into the pockets of a bunch of punks posing as the mafia from the local high school.

May I add that his 'shedding of the ponytail' was involuntary (see Canuk Girl's post above).

Canuck2112, let us link arms to double clothes-line this guy out of the ring of Hollywood, Humanity and Half Past Dead XXVII ' The Return'.

[G Cthulhu]

Ah, jealousy rears it's ugly head. :roll:

What do you all care about the guy? He's set out to do stuff and he's gone and done it. He doesn't play the politics game of Hollywood and you try bagging him for it. So what if his acting almost universally sucks? Bad acting ability is hardly an impediment to a career in Hollywood. So what if he doesn't smack the crapola out of people randomly on the street. His MA ability IRL and what happens in films are, shock, not the same thing. So what if he makes vapid comments during interviews? He's at least one up on people like the President of the US in that he's coherent. Who'd you rather be able to speak or think the more clearly?! It's his life, not yours.


You all seem to want him to be some sort of super actor WASP philanthropist (sp?) that kicks arse IRL at the drop of a hat. Get real and get over yourselves. Sheesh. It's like watching a group of prissy twelve year old girls the way you lot are carrying on.

[kimo]

[april]

Oh come on you two! You make it sound like acting like a 12 year old is a bad thing! I've really enjoyed giggling at this thread. Bagging out big-names is heaps of fun. Why do people automatically pull out the jealousy (and insecurity) card whenever people make fun of others? Some people like Segal, Anna-Nicole Smith, Hilton Sisters, are so ridicolous you gotta laugh at 'em!

[Canuck2112]

How are you enjoying Japan so far Mr. Seagal?

[ntropy]

[G Cthulhu]

[Mark-O]

Dear Mr Seagal's Personal Agent (aka G Cthulhu),

Steve aint paying you enough for that sincere defence. I guess money's still tight after his influx of Box Office hits recently ...

[fat_chris]

[fat_chris]

500 baby!

[fat_chris]

Moment's over. No more 500. Big deal.

I'm with ntrophy on this one. Plain and simple, it has nothing to do with jealousy--I am well content with my lot in life. The truth of the matter is, anything and anybody so ridiculous and absurd (see Canuck's photos) that should have its sh1t ripped deserves to have its sh1t ripped.

I'm calling a spade a spade and a bozo a bozo.