Job Discussion Forums

[MELEE]

One of the drawbacks of living overseas: Funerals


What do you do? How close would you be to the person to go back for it? Is it acceptable to just send condulences?
Obviously every family and person and culture is different. I've just learned that my uncle has died. He was my dad's brother and 12 years older than my dad. He's been in poor health for a really long time, which is a contributing factor to the reasons why I haven't seen him for at least 15 years. Not sure exactly when I last saw him. Because he's so much older than my dad, his children are way older than me so I've never really been close to them. And his wife has dementia. I think funerals are for the living, my uncle obviously won't know if I'm there or not. My aunt, with dementia won't know. And I have no idea if my cousins would expect me. I've seen my parents recently. So I'm really leaning towards not going. It would be a finacial burnden for me to take my children (buying three airline tickets) and tricky to arrange for their care if I go without them. Should I send flowers? somthing else? what would you or have you done in this situation?

[spiral78]

I definitely don't think you are obliged to attend!
I'd ask my parents to add me to whatever flowers or contribution they make, and put my name on it as well (sending them the money for this, of course!).

On the subject of funerals, we've had two in the past 10 days where I work - a colleague and the wife of another colleague. This is starting off to be a rather sad year for our Language Centre...

[thelmadatter]

except for immediate, close family, I dont think you are obligated to travel to the States everytime a relative dies. Most people understand.

One other reason to be glad for Day of the Dead. I cant visit my mom's grave more than once every 3-5 years and it helps. Of course I had to explain it to her (so to speak) and its kinda funny to see the altar at work with a can of Pepsi and a Milky Way bar on it in front of my mom's pic!

[johnslat]

Dear MELEE,
I agree - I don't think you need to make the effort except for immediate family members.
My Mom died while I was in Saudi Arabia, but I wasn't able to get back in time for the funeral (red tape.)
That same year, there were three other staff members who hada Mom or Dad die in the US. A couple made it back in time.
After that, I told the Director, who was going to the TESOL convention to recruit:

"Omar, I have ONE word for you: Orphans."

Regards,
John

[lozwich]

I'd talk it over with your dad.

He's lost his brother, and might want you there for support. If he doesn't mind, I wouldn't go. Just contribute to the family wreath, or whatever your family is sending.

[Teacher in Rome]

I agree with the others. I'd hate to second-guess your family, but perhaps your uncle wouldn't have wanted you to uproot yourself / your kids to travel back at huge expense for the funeral. Perhaps he'd have wanted you to honour his life by having a quiet day of remembrance where you are now.

The decision should also rest on you. My dearest relation died when I was a long way from "home" and I couldn't get back for the funeral, I was almost relieved that I didn't also have to deal with my family's pain and loss at the same time as dealing with my own. Being able to have the time and space to mourn alone was - strangely enough - a real luxury.

[notamiss]

What lozwich said. If your late uncle and your aunt won�t know whether you�re there or not, then weigh what your dad would want.

If you don�t go, then consider making phone calls to your cousins in the week after the funeral not only to offer condolences, but also to touch base. Several of my cousins did this for me when my father passed away, even though we had been out of touch for years, even decades. They lived too far away to come to the funeral of an uncle they had not seen for years, but their thoughtfulness in making long distance phone calls to me was much appreciated. We had a nice little chat and they filled me in on what they had been doing, where they lived, what their children were doing etc.

[Marcoregano]

How far do you need to go? - it's not clear in your OP. I think the distance/hassle factor is pretty important, as well as the closeness (or not) of relations. But I don't think one of my uncles passing away would lead to an expectation that I travel from HK back to the UK.

[denise]

I agree with the others. Both of my mom's parents died while I was in Prague, and me going back wasn't even an issue--I just sorta found out via email... I hope that the families/friends/loved ones of people like us--living thousands of miles away from home and possibly lacking the financial means to return as often as we would like--will understand that just because we're not there doesn't mean we're not thinking about them.

d

[wfh]

My grandfather died last year and I due to time constraints/ red tape I was unable to go home for his funeral. I was partly glad about this as I was extremely close to my grandfather and am happy in a way that I didn't have to attend his funeral, see him being buried, see him dead, etc. The downside was feeling that I should have been there to support my relatives, as I was so close to my grandfather, but I did my best via telephone and email, and I paid my condolences during a planned trip home for Christmas.

Teh short notice makes it impossible for some people to attend, as i explained, and I hope my family understood that I truly wanted to be with them to support them, but it was impossible.

[gaijinalways]

My best friend since elementary school died of a heart attack in December (1 month younger than me, yikes ).

I was notified by his mother after the funeral. I would have liked to have attended, but technically since he's not related, it would have been difficult to go during the uni semester. Still want to make a trip over and talk to his mom, that will definately be a sad visit, probably some time in the summer of 2010 (we're doing renovations this year, can't make it this summer and my parents are visiting).

Funerals are a part of life. Not necessarily always the best part, but a definate reality check.

[keepwalking]

I was in the same position about 6 months ago. I sent a letter from my then location, Peru, to my uncle and two cousins. (It was my aunt who died). I did the usual passing on of condolences and shared some (distant) memories of better times and they all commented how much it meant to them to know I was thinking of them so far away. It really depends on your family, and on your own feelings towards your uncle, but i would say there are plenty of other ways to express your solidarity with the family other than flying home.

[steki47]

A sad, but important, topic indeed. My last living grandparent is 82 and in generally good health. He lives an hour away and I visit him 2-3 times a month. Now that I am returning to Japan in early April, this issue came to mind. I had an uncomfortable conversation with my mom and said I want to see him when he is alive and in good spirits. Because the blunt reality is that I may not be able to fly back to the US for a funeral. He has genetics on his side (both his parents lived into their 90s), but someday I may have to face a brutal decision. My mom understood my thoughts and agreeed with me.

[jpvanderwerf2001]

Unfortunately, I had to miss my grandmother's funeral some years back. It was tough, but my family all understood (no hard feelings, that is). Sometimes circumstances dictate what you can and can't do, and when one circumstance is living in a faraway land, sometimes missing can't be helped.
If someone in my nuclear family died, I would definitely get back no matter where I was. I hope I never have to honor that promise (or at least don't have to for a very long time!).

[sharpe88]

I made the trip for my grandmother and am ultimately glad I did.