Job Discussion Forums

[Stephen Jones]

Have I got this right? You want to marry a Saudi you haven't even met in person and are seriously considering going to live with him in Saudi Arabia?

You've got serious problems.

[Sheikh N Bake]

Not clear if the OP actually wants to live in Saudi Arabia in addition to marrying a national. I work with a lot of nice Saudi gentlemen. Their idea of treating a woman like a queen is different from what women outside the Middle East would think of it, however. That idea is: You're treated as a queen and pampered and spoiled. As long as you stay home and don't do anything but fiddle with the airconditioning and walk around the [horribly designed/decorated] house in your $500 slippers.

I'm glad you said that, Stephen. Frankly you took the words out of my mouth but I was the coward, afraid to express COMMON SENSE here in this Middle East-Oprah circle-you-know-what. Talk about starry-eyed kumbayah, good God.

[CanItBILuvASaudi]

[CanItBILuvASaudi]

[littleoldlady]

Well I can't let this one pass me by.
I married an Iranian, converted, nearly lost my daughters AND had to give my Mahr (dowry) back!!! In fact, it was stolen from me, piece by piece.

I was once in love (yawn yawn) with someone who was all those things you described - open minded etc etc. then .... well you really don't want to know.

Lots of Arab and Iranian men are wonderful people. However, you will never change him, his culture, religious thinking etc. and when it comes to marriage, you marry the family, not just him.

I wish you luck.

[Sheikh N Bake]

Sounds like Not Without My Daughter.

[littleoldlady]

No. I'm a Farsi speaker. Betty Mahmoody wasn't. I don't make racist statements about an ancient culture and wonderful people. She did.
I didn't turn my daughters away from their father like she did. I don't lie about stuff that went on in a country that didn't happen. I know because I was there at the same time as she was.

[Stephen Jones]

[Cleopatra]

Dear OP,

You've been given some excellent advice on this forum. I would say, if you are seriously considering marriage with a Saudi, sit down and think about it very very carefully. Then, when you've done that, sit down and think about it again.

Of course not all Saudi men are monsters. In my experience, I would say you've as good a chance of finding a kind, loving man in this part of the world as you do elsewhere. But the fact remains that Saudi attitudes towards marriage, family and gender roles are very very different from those in the West. This is true even for the 'liberal' elites of Riyadh and Jeddah, and seeing as, from what you write, your prospective husband is from a deeply conservative background, it will be all the more extreme there.

I know several women who are or have been married to Saudis or other Arabs. There are some success stories but they are the exception. It really does not matter how 'liberal' this guy may seem on the internet, over the phone, or even in person (outside of his country). The old tale of the Western woman marrying a 'liberal' Saudi student in the US, only to go back and find him transform into a typical conservative Saudi male, is all too common. I don't think it's even that these men deliberately try to put on a different exterior in order to convince the foreign woman to marry them, it's more that Saudis are very good at adapting to circumstances. However, they will expect the same from you!

The fact is that as the wife of a SAudi man you have very few rights. It's not so bad if you don't have children, but if you do, it really can be a nightmare. As lol said, you are marrying the family, not just the man: even if he is one of the very very few Saudis who is genuinely liberal by Western standards, chances are his family won't share his views. Especially not if they are like the description you have given of them.

If you really are intent on pursuing htis 'romance', then I second the advice that , if it's at all possibleyou should try to get a job in KSA before making any sort of commitment to him. That way, you can experience the country and culture at first hand, and get to see if he and his family are serious about you. Agreeing to marry him without doing this would, imho, be insanity.

[CanItBILuvASaudi]

One last comment....the "conservatism" many people fear from my Saudi guy may be conservatisms I share. Im not saying I'd share them to the same extent as Saudi society (and I'd say neither does he), but as a Muslim I may share some of them. I thus may be in a better position than some of you to accept this.

Unless you can get into specifics, here are some of the conservatisms I may not find as alarming as you:

-I dont expect my husband to be OK with me having male friends. If he did, Id think there was something wrong with him
-I dont expect that he'd let me go around without a niqab as his own sisters, and as most Saudis, do. In USA, it'd be a different story.
-I wouldnt at all mind sharing an email account with him. I think it protects us both from iffy online activities
-I dont mind at all if he believes the man is the head of the house. I think half of inspiring men to be men, is to give them the ability to be.
-I dont mind if he expects me to be cordial in my friendliness towards his brothers or cousins.

So unless you are referring to other things, then these things I dont mind. Thanks for all the replies, if anyone has more to share, the better it is for me. Particularly, clarifications of what exactly ARE the rights of non-Saudis there, and where I might be able to read about them.

[Sheikh N Bake]

[007]

[santi84]

[CanItBILuvASaudi]

[CanItBILuvASaudi]

Ah yes....the infamous US Dept of State tome' on marrying a Saudi. Been there done that. Problem is, it divides all Saudis into 2 camps: the secular ones who dont give a damn about what their wives do....and the religious repressive ones who care too much. I think it does a major disservice to the men who fall somewhere in between. Im sure there are less practicing Muslim husbands who still exhibit the characteristic jealousy over their wives....and Im sure there are religious ones who are open-minded. My Saudi may have left college when his father died, and thus holds nothing but a high school diploma, but he entertains no fantasies about turning an American into something she is not. He does not want me staying home in $500 slippers (which he couldnt afford anyway) and a ban on employment. He actually eggs on my American side.

Not to mention the women like me who fall somewhere in between. As a Muslim woman, I accept some of the conservatism, however I also have limits, i.e., covering my face in front of his male family---a bit much. Not being allowed to work---a bit much. But I can control who I marry, and I can identify those Muslim men from a mile away. Ive been running into them ever since I converted 7 years back. I know the signs......a starry-eyed Southwestern woman marrying her Saudi classmate does not.