Job Discussion Forums

[Canuck2112]

I've been here 8 months now, and although I'm very popular with my students I realized that I haven't made a single Japanese friend...at least according to my North American definition of "friend". I go out drinking with my students, I go to parties, I go to weddings, and despite getting to know some of my students really well I am, without exception, treated like a status booster (not to toot my own horn, but it's true) and/or a complete novelty...sometimes blatantly and sometimes well hidden. It really pisses me off. I know you'll never be accepted as a Japanese citizen if you're gaijin, I've known this since before I left and I accept it, but have any of you had any luck making any actual friends who can see past the foreigner factor?

There's a girl who's been in my city for the past 7 years. Hands down one of the nicest, most fun people I've ever met. I asked her this same question, and she became visibly sad. Her warning to me..."there's always small print in a Japanese friendship". She left Japan with hundreds of acquaintances and not one real friend.

[Tonester]

Well, Canuck I have had a Japanese friend that I have known for 7 years and I still keep in touch with him. He's one of my best mates but I only can see him when he is not working at his part-time job. I think befriending a Japanese is all to do with showing your true self and being selective as to who you choose to be your friend. It may not be easy at first but if you work hard at it you can form friendships like the one I have. I must admit; he was my host brother when I was an exchange student back in 1999 but knew him before that when he came to Australia and visited my school.

I feel for you but it certainly helps to apply the same ideals as you would back home in this case because friendship transcends all cultures.

[denise]

10 months, and no Japanese friends. I thought I was on the brink of getting one several months ago, but after me inviting her over for tea/out to dinner about half a dozen times and not getting a single invitation in return, I gave up. I can be the inviter a few times, but eventually I like to see some reciprocity.

I live in a small town, but by no means am I a novelty here. There is a decent gaijin population, and pretty much everyone in and around our town knows my school. I don't even have any language leeches!



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[homersimpson]

I've found it easier to make friends with Japanese who have spent significant time or have interest in, foreign countries. Those who went abroad to study English seem to have more interest in meeting people of different backgrounds -- and not always just for the novelty of speaking English with a native speaker.

[Synne]

This topic is very just.

I have yet to go to Japan (soon I�m hoping) but there are many students of Japan here in my area. The girl I spend most my time with is Japanese though; however, she is my girlfriend so she does not classify( as to this certain type of friend of course!). The reason I find this topic so just is that I have 2 acquaintances I guess I can call them, whom I've made every effort to befriend, yet to no avail. It seems they are either not interested, or perhaps they believe me to not be, no matter how many times I pursue friendship with them. Maybe they just don�t want the hassle of having to speak to me in English, perhaps it is too much like a study lesson for them. I guess I really don�t know, I'm in the same boat as you Canuck and Denise.

[6810]

For what it's worth, I've made several friends. Five years and counting.

So here's what I think. Anywhere you go, do you end up making friends? I mean, really. I can count on one hand (plus two or three) the people I consider my closest friends. I met them all in unexpected ways, with no expectations, no intentions and for no reason. This applies equally to Japanese and non-Japanese friends.

Some places we make friends, and some places we don't. Ditto for time. Life throws as many curve balls as knuckleballs.

[shmooj]

[Shonai Ben]

I have had a J-friend now for 6 years.We became friends almost instantly.He can barely speak any English but we can still communicate "heart to heart" as he says.
A true friend he is.

[shmooj]

[Gordon]

Can't say I have any "real" Japanese friends after 20 months here. My wife had one, but she recently moved to Osaka. I think when you can have them over at the drop of a hat, not worry what your place looks like and they make themselves at home, that is a friend. I know it's cultural, but we are who we are.

[Lynn]

Absolutely! I've made some very deep friendships in Japan. Someone else once posted on the very same topic a while ago. I guess some people do have trouble making friends in Japan. I'm not sure why I didn't. Maybe it's because I can speak Japanese.

[Wolf]

Three people come to mind who I still keep in touch with. One does not speak any English.

During my third year in Japan, there were quite a few possibilities for friendships that I did no persue as I knew I'd be moving soon.

Also, I had a few good Korean friends in Japan (born and raised in Korea, came to Japan after adulthood.) I've lost touch with all of them, though.

Making friends with most Japanese can take time. But it isn't impossible any more. I found that there were Japanese people who were willing to accept me in spite of my gaijin-ness - especially once I was able to more or less hold conversations in their langauge.

Shmooj has a good point - to develop real friendships requires time. And it's a good idea to learn the language. I've had Japanese friends complain that it can be hard to make friends with foreigners because they have a tendancy of taking off and never returning.

[Gordon]

[Brooks]

it happens in Tokyo too, and not only to foreign residents. Japanese people who move to Tokyo from other parts of Japan have the same problem. They can be busy with work, and not have much time outside work.
I think it may be easier to make friends with people in Osaka, Kobe and Kyushu. In Tokyo it is tough. I find Kansai people friendlier than Tokyo people.

A couple good colleagues I worked with left Japan in the last few years. I missed them, and the newer teachers weren`t as friendly.

It seems that if you work with good people, you can make friends with them and socialize with them after work, at enkais, etc.

My girlfriend used to go from Osaka to Shikoku to visit her sister since she was lonely in Tokushima.

I was in Shimoda last month and I stayed at a pension. One of the pension owners where I stayed complained that Shimoda people weren`t friendly and they treated her as an outsider. But she is Japanese from Saitama, and has lived in Shimoda for four years. It didn`t matter.

Knowing Japanese does help but sometimes it doesn`t. I found that I had to make the initiative all the time and I got tired of that. Although I feel like I am a guest in Japan, I have to act like a host.

I have worked in a few other countries, and it seems like it takes some Japanese years to open up.

[johanne]

When I was in Japan I didn't make many deep friendships, although I did marry one of my students. However, since we have been living in Vancouver I have made a couple of good Japanese friends, one who ended up babysitting my 1 year old, twice a week for a year when I went back to work part time. I think, though, that in Vancouver I am meeting Japanese people who are already relaxed with gaijin and who in moving to another country have a shared interest in travelling and living abroad, which helps. I do agree with many of the other posters that if you give it time you can make good friendships. Also, it's not always on the Japanese side that friendships end. After I returned to Canada I was the one who didn't keep in touch with some Japanese friends I had made in Yokohama.