Job Discussion Forums

[elizamina]

So after years of working toward our goals, we've finally accepted a job at a small IB school in Beijing. Both my husband and I are very excited about this. We've talked to a lot of the staff there, and we think it'll be a good experience and a great foot in the door.

Our families are... not so happy.

Not so happy to the point that we're being constantly told that we're making a huge mistake, that we're tearing apart our families, and that we're bad, wrong, and childish for not wanting to settle down in our own country and start producing grandchildren. They are mystified as to why we'd want to leave our country at all, "the greatest country in the world," to do anything that's not buying a house and popping out babies.

So, really, experienced overseas teachers, how do you deal with this? How do you deal with everyone telling you that what you're doing is a horrible, life destroying mistake? Do your families ever come around? Or do they remind you for years how you're ruining your lives? What do you do? How do you deal or cope? It's becoming increasingly hard to feel excited and happy about my decision when everyone around me is telling me that I'm doing it all wrong.

[spiral78]

It's been 15 years away from the US for me (nearly) and they're still telling me. But, well, they're far away and getting a bit discouraged, finally, and frankly I don't give a dam.

Sorry, I know it sounds cold, and of course you may well go back someday and to the standard thing - and enoy it all the more for your overseas experience!

The message is that you probably just need to develop a thicker skin for a while. The weeks and months before you actually leave, and your first visit back, are usually the worst moments. Keep in mind that it's YOUR life - not theirs. Also, times have changed, and so many more people spend time abroad these days - it's good for you in terms of future jobs and etc....

Good luck. I know it's not fun, but try to keep your eyes on your goals. It's worth it!!

[1st Sgt Welsh]

I don't come from a close family so these sort of tactics would probably have been water of a duck's back . I'm sure your folks mean well, but have they ever have taught, lived abroad or travelled extensively? If not, than their opinions are just that. Besides, if you are old enough to get married and start "popping out babies" than surely you and your husband are old enough to make adult decisions on where to live and work. The only one who can live your life for you is you.

Speaking for myself I am very glad I got into TEFL and I am sure the vast majority of posters here feel the same way. Good luck to you elizamina and hope things work out for you.

[Glenski]

I left a completely different career that I'd been in for about 15 years. It was pretty much what my family and friends had expected me to be in all my life. My friends totally understood what I was doing when I came to Japan to test the waters (almost 14 years ago). Flights go both ways. People can come back. Leaving the U.S. is not necessarily permanent. Etc.

If you have truly thought things through, and if you are satisfied with what faces you in China at the moment, go. Go with open minds and open eyes, though. Don't be blinded by what you think you face or what China offers as a whole. Dreams of exotic lands have a tendency to do that. Be aware of what a gap in your current employment status might do if you choose to return to your homeland and resume work. Returning will also mean shelling out a lot of money for new car, home, furnishings, insurance, etc.

Keep a constant line open back home. Let them know what you are doing, and how you are doing. I recall that after 2-3 years of being in Japan, on one phone call, my mother said something about how soon would my "fling" with Japan be over. That, despite monthly newsletters to her and dozens of others describing my daily happenings and the culture around me.

Things changed when I announced I was getting married to a Japanese. Of course, the family still wanted me "back home", but they understood a bit more why I was staying. At least, that's what they attributed my staying to. There was obviously more. But, it was a start for them to begin accepting.

It's only been more and more positive since. Keep that lifeline and communication open. When I came, there was no Skype, either. Use it. Make trips home at least once every 2-3 years. Encourage family and friends to visit you, too. Living abroad is a 2-way street.

One of the last things my mother said when I left my hometown was in a teary-eyed demand, that she wanted lots of letters. Guess what? She actually learned how to use a computer, send email, and use Skype. I have continued to send monthly newsletters, and my friends and family pass them on to people I don't even know. Now that Japan has a serious earthquake disaster on its hands, I'm hearing from some of those people, if only indirectly through others.

[Zero]

-Basically it's your life and their reactions are instinctive and knee-jerk. Over time they'll get used to it.

-Sounds like a type of international school? With two people making the kind of salaries I know they often pay, and if you don't spend a lot, there is potential to save a good amount. More than you probably could in your home country. That could could set you up very well for when you return.

-However, Glenski is right, the expenses of moving back might be quite high.

-Listen to what your family and friends are saying. Don't tune it out. They know you and the local situation where you're from. If they're older, they understand things you haven't thought of yet. Getting a little older has been eye-opening for me, as I pass through life stages people had told me about. It doesn't mean you have to do what they say. Just give them a hearing out.

-Have kids sooner than later. Then when they're grown, you'll still have some vitality left in you.

-By the tone of your family's comments, I have to think you're either from New Zealand or the U.S.

[denise]

I noticed the IB reference as well. If it is an international school, then you must both be quite well-qualfiied, meaning that you are NOT just throwing yourself into the standard, stereotypical (whether true or not...) dazed backpacker/newbie experience. You are going to do a "real" job at a "real" school.

And another benefit of international schools: decent salaries. You will be able to afford things that those backpacker newbies can't: things like flights back home, western education for your children, should you choose to have any, etc.

(Sorry, somehow I've gotten the impression that your families think you are throwing yourself into some mysterious adventure the way many young backpacker-types seem to... with all of the worries and stereotypes that go along with such an adventure. You can reassure them that it's not the case.)

I don't have much concrete advice for dealing with them, though, other than to agree with the people who've said to develop thick skins and make your own decisions. I am continually grateful that I did not have to go through that. My family never was the meddling type.

Good luck!

d

[maastricht]

Investor, hedge fund manager and former Soros partner Jim Rogers, who moved to Singapore, gives you the thumbs up:

http://www.businessinsider.com/jim-rogers-if-you-want-your-heirs-to-be-wealthy-then-leave-america-and-move-to-asia-2010-8

"In 1807, if you had moved to the U.K., you and your heirs would have been much, much better off for the next 100 years. If in 1907 you had moved to the U.S., you and your heirs would have been much better off for the next 100 years. In my view, moving to Asia in 2007 means my heirs are going to be much better off in the next 100 years.
...
My view is that the 21st century is going to be the century of Asia, of China. If I'm right about the future, you are going to have a better life [if you move there], better opportunities, and better everything going where the action is, where the assets are."

[naturegirl321]

It's been 9 for me, I met my husband in a different country than mine, we live in a third country and will probably end up having kids here. As to being selfish, maybe it is. BUt you guys have probably just signed a two year contract, take it as it comes, you may decide that you like it or go home. It's only a couple years to start.

[tttompatz]

Moved away.
Started a family (abroad).
Bought a house at home (cash).
Bought land and built a house in a warm place (again cash).
No debt.
Frequent travel (with the family). Our daughter has more flier miles than many business types back home and she is not quite 5.
Good school.
Great place for educating our daughter till she is ready for high school.

There is a lot to be said for working abroad (and there is no comparison between an IB school and ESL).

There is a lot to be said for the ability to work abroad, save enough cash to pay off your students loans or to buy a house at home and be debt free.

Tell your family that you ARE looking to the future.

.

[denise]

[wangdaning]

My mother has two children, both boys, and were both married and live abroad. Her first time to go abroad was going to my brother's wedding. She is very happy, though I am sure she would enjoy us all being together. No pressure to pop out the little monsters from my side of the family.

Maybe ask them if they have wasted their life only living in one place. How can they judge an experience they have never had?

[hollysuel]

When I left a good job in the states to go teach at a hagwan in S. Korea back in 1994, my mom was very angry. My dad seemed to be fine with the idea. However, when I returned to Korea a second year, my dad finally asked me when I was going to come home and get a 'real' job.

Thankfully, a couple of months later, my folks went to an international conference with a church group and they met a lot of people from other countries. They specifically told me about a couple from Papua New Guinea. From that conference on, my parents have been very supportive--what they needed was to be exposed to international students and people who have an international outlook.

In fact, when my folks came to Finland to see me, my dad even told me that life was very good there and if he were me, he would stay right there. I have since returned to the states, but it took a lot of years and a lot of money (I sold my home in Finland for profit or I never would have been able to afford the move.)

So, your parents might come around and if they don't-oh well- you are going to be able to experience another culture and have adventures you can't even imagine right now.

[wiganer]

Your family means well (even if it is from a point of ignorance) but unless you are Native American (assuming your are American) then not too far back, your own ancestors made a move from Europe, Africa or East Asia in more trying and harsh circumstances, never to return home.

Especially if you are European or Asian - I would state to my family that your own family history was all about making a better life for themselves on a new continent, it is all part of the family tapestry, it is what you are about, both my parents are the children of immigrants whose forefathers travelled thousands of miles on a ship to make a new life for themselves so my parents understood why I do this and they are very proud of the fact.

I think once you settle down into life in China and your parents know you are safe then they will also be proud of you and that you had the guts to make this move. Many people don't have what it takes to move thousands of miles to a new country and culture and make a life for themselves, most people want to live and die in their crappy hometown which is all right for them but it is not what you want. Tell them that you love them but whatever they say - you are going with or without their support.

I'll say this as well, once you live somewhere else like China - home will never be the same and if you do go back - a lot will have changed around you even if it stayed the same in your absence - a lot of us on here will know all about that.

[rafaella]

wiganer wrote:
[quote]I'll say this as well, once you live somewhere else like China - home will never be the same and if you do go back - a lot will have changed around you even if it stayed the same in your absence - a lot of us on here will know all about that. [/quote]

That is so very true and yet so very hard for those back home to understand.

To get back to the OP, you said you had been working towards this goal for a long time so it seems selfish (though understandable) of your families to put pressure on you not to go. I think you should go as you will probably only feel resentful and wonder 'what if' if you don't.

[spiral78]

Elizamina hasn't yet returned to the thread...hopefully not being held captive by concerned family members