Job Discussion Forums

[wesharris]

We invited a couple we met locally, the wife speaks fairly good

English(That's a qualifier.) out to dinner, we insisted on paying.

The wife insisted she had already paid over the internet for

the meal(frex, this is common in Korea, not sure about China).

Well, we were leaving, and I saw

the husband paying for the meal. This was the second time that we've

met, and they've paid both times, over much protest from us of course.

Now I'm not quite sure what the etiquette is, but we DID buy Starbucks

for them afterwords, sort of a contributory gift, the prices were about the

same. (Coffee at Starbucks in China is the same price as the USA) So 108

RMB for 4 people to have Hot Choco .

So what's the acceptable way to even out the gift giving here, without

causing them to lose any face. We want to build on that, not sink the

battleship. (So few people in this area speak English, and my wife refuses

to learn Chinese.)( I'm just language passive IE lazy.)

I learn as I go.

>>Wes

[chinanoodles]

Picking up the tab at starbucks was a good idea but it won't always be feasible to go out after dinner.

They may have indeed paid for the meal on the internet, it is common here, but drinks and anything else not included will of course have to be paid at the restaurant.

Usually, he who does the inviting pays. Next time just excuse yourself to use the restroom and take care of the bill.

Don't go too crazy trying to even things out. For example if they invite you to a pimp ass expensive place, you do not have to respond in kind but you should treat them to a decent meal.

If I had to respond in kind to everyone, I'd be broke

[wangdaning]

Yeah, you have to be sly if you want to pay. Often with Chinese it is a battle over who pays. Unless you never pay it is not a big problem. I do speak Chinese though, so the battle for the bill often involves telling the staff not to take others money. Having your money ready when the bill is called for, physically pushing others money (hand) away and placing yours there.

I do not think your friends expect you to do this. Maybe next time you invite them don't tell them the restaurants name/location until only a bit before. That way they can not claim to have paid (or find a way to pay before hand).

Again though in a friendly relationship it is not a big deal, no one is going to lose face. Family and work/business relationships are another matter.

[xjgirl]

getting invited for dinner, jeez that hasn't happened me in years here...

I used to get invitations at least once a week, then again that was up north.

[7969]

[kev7161]

I have a few Chinese friends with whom I go out to dinner on a regular basis (not all at the same time) and, guess what? I ALWAYS pay. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to do so as I can afford it and I know their income doesn't come even close to mine (I'm not bragging about this, just stating a fact). None of these friends ever squawk about it or insist they pay. However, every time I go out with one of my colleagues, they always are lightning fast with the payment. I try to explain the whole idea of "dutch treat" but they won't hear of it. I feel really guilty, but they seem nonplussed about the whole thing. Of course when parents of my students are involved, I make a feeble attempt to chip in, but I already know it's hopeless and they wouldn't allow me to give any money to them anyway. So paying for my friends helps my inner peace balance a bit.

[askiptochina]

[The Great Wall of Whiner]

[cormac]

If its with "younger" chinese, you can get away with saying "AA" near the end, and it'll be an even split. However if I invite someone or a group to dinner, I'm expected to pay. But if its a regular thing then, AA works out fine. Otherwise, its just a case of remembering who paid last time, and paying on the sly (as others have said)

Regarding the starbucks comment, I find paying the bill is stuck on the venue. If I paid in Starbucks afterwards, they'll probably want to pay in Starbucks the next time, and I would still be obligated to pay for dinner. The cost means nothing. Its about remembering to show "respect".

I've given up on fighting about the bill. I've lost a few friends that way before I learned to be more subtle.

[GuestBob]

[bryanjspen]

Why don't you cook for them?