Korean Job Discussion Forums

Newbie · Joined: 07 Feb 2003

I'm starting this little thread to get a dialogue going on the peculiarities, challenges, and wonders of inter-racial (inter-national) child rearing. I'm starting to notice a few problems concerning some "how to's" and I'd love to hear stories from those who have gone through this or who are going through it now.

4 months until my little one comes. As we read and learn more, our differences of opinion are increasing. She wants the baby's room at 25 degrees, I want 21... she wants to bathe the baby 2 times a day, I want 1-2 times a week... She doesn't care too much about car seats, I won't budge on this one. Fortunately, we're both very easy going people so we're not actually having huge scraps, but I can see things getting a bit more tense as the due date approaches. How do you cope with these things. What bugs me is that when we disagree, she turns to her mom or our doctor and comes back with a "see, they agree with me". It's all very... fun.

What kind of things did you refuse to budge on. What were you willing to accept?

bellum99 · Joined: 23 Jan 2003 Location: don't need to know

Car seat is needed in every country. I had an accident with my little one and he was in a car seat (thank God). Bus hit my car while I was parked ( Shocked

). Damage was not so serious (slow moving side swipe) but the little guy was okay in his seat. No seat and he may have been really hurt.

Hanson · Joined: 20 Oct 2004

I hear where you're coming from on this one, but in all honesty, most of it will iron itself out, or even change, with time. My wife have disagreed on little issues (mostly), but the important issues are the ones you have to worry about - in other words, pick your battles.

Car Seats
I think my wife conceded to me a little on this one. Although she agrees with the use of a car seat, she sees 'exceptions', whereas I do not. My wife's mother scoffed at me for imposing this car seat rule initially, but now she (reluctantly?) agrees with me (to my face). I find this issue important, and in my mind, it's a non-issue. My wife saw that and gave in to me a little.

Rewarding Bad Behaviour
My little girl is a year and a half old and she had a tantrum in the parking lot of Home Plus the other day, her first real public blow-up. She was screaming, throwing her head back violently in protest, you know the deal... My wife suggested we bring her to the children's playground for a while, to get it out of her system. I told her that was like rewarding bad behaviour; I suggested we be strict, put her in the car and go home. My wife was a little more insistant that we bring her to the playroom, so I relented. We went to the playroom where my daughter ran around with other children for 45 minutes, had a good time and promptly fell asleep in the car as we pulled out of the parking lot. I saw that my wife really held strongly to letting my daughter play, and so I gave in to her a little, since this one incident is not as important to me as the car seat issue, I guess.

As any counselor will tell you, it's all about communication and each person knowing the other so well that each knows when to give in.

About the baths, there were minor differences in our philosophies, but if you feel strongly enough about it, show your wife the literature about the pros of not bathing a baby too often.

For us the disagreement was about how hot the water should be. I've sposted about this before, but basically my MIL would bathe the baby in very/too hot, almost scalding water. I got home one day and my daughter's skin was red/pink and looked irritated. The MIL had given her what I consider to be a much-too-hot bath. My wife agreed with me but was reluctant to discuss it with my MIL for fear of creating bad feeling. In the end, my wife and I compromised that the MIL would never again be left to give the baby a bath alone. If my MIL wanted to bathe my daughter, my wife would be right there next to her to supervise the water temperature.

There have been a few raised voices along the way, as I think any healthy marriage has sometimes, but I think my wife and I know when to give in to each other.

About this:

MissSeoul · Joined: 25 Oct 2006 Location: Somewhere in America

Newbie · Joined: 07 Feb 2003

Thanks Hanson. Much appreciated.

Miss Seoul... we're talking about a newborn baby, before they can crawl. Newborns have extremely sensitive skin and too much water/soap can, but not always, be a problem. On a daily basis, all that needs done is a thorough washing of the private parts (with each diaper actually), a cotton ball cleaning of the face, and of course wiping off anything that is noticeably dirty.

Maybe the Korean system of keeping the baby boiling hot is why they are bathed so often. Must be pretty sweaty with the heat my wife suggests.

cmr · Joined: 22 Mar 2006

I agree that taking a bath once or twice a week is not enough for a baby... or anybody else! Smile

I'd prefer 2 to 3 times a week... but personaly, I do it more often!

As for the car seat, there was a new law in Korea in 2006 that made it illegal for children under 5 not to be in a car seat. However, they said that police officers would use their "judgement" in situations when a family has too many children since some mothers complained that if they had 2 or 3 kids in car seats there wouldn't be enough room left for anyone else.

Well, my wife (Korean) doesn't seem to care about the law so much (Do Koreans usually do?). So we are in a similiar situation to Hanson, and I just can't understand why they (Koreans) can't understand about this.

Also, just like Hanson, sometimes I'd like to be more strict about things, but my wife doesn't see things that way. That's not a big issue, though. Maybe it will be in the future, but not for now.

MissSeoul · Joined: 25 Oct 2006 Location: Somewhere in America

tzechuk · Joined: 20 Dec 2004

MissSeoul · Joined: 25 Oct 2006 Location: Somewhere in America

SuperHero · Joined: 10 Dec 2003 Location: Superhero Hideout

I agree with what hanson wrote. Some things are worth fighting for, others are comprimising, and others should be caved in to.

about the bathing infants and even toddlers don't really need a bath more than once every 2 or 3 days.

tzechuk · Joined: 20 Dec 2004

Scott in Incheon · Joined: 30 Aug 2004

We tend to agree on most things and I have a back up on the doctor thing as my mother was a labour and delivery nurse for 30 years. Whenever something came up medically, we would check it out with my Mom and doc...usually my mother's point of view is the one we accepted.

As for bathing...it is part of our bathtime ritual so we have been doing daily baths ever since we wanted them to sleep through the night. Bath, books, bed...that has been the routine since the girls were 1...

I think we were lucky to raise the kids in Hong Kong for the first few years. Not much interference from either side. We developed our own way of doing things.

Newbie · Joined: 07 Feb 2003

cosmo · Joined: 09 Nov 2006

jmbran11 · Joined: 19 Jan 2006 Location: U.S.

Newbie- I'm not a parent, so I won't pretend to be any sort of expert, but the thing I would most consider a problem is your wife consulting her mother, doctor, friend, etc. for support that she is "right."

You need to have an understanding that you two are the parents, and you two are the married couple. You don't want your spouse running to her parents every time there is a problem.

Whatever method you two choose to work out your disagreements, it shouldn't be a group vote. If you don't come to an understanding about this issue, it will pop up again and again and again . . . And you'll be hearing "my mother said" when your kid is 10 years old. You need to agree that somehow you will negotiate or compromise or whatever. But you are adults now, and your faith needs to be in each other first.

If my husband told his mother about our disagreements and then used it against me, it would drive me crazy.