Korean Job Discussion Forums

[gsxr750r]

For the past year of dating, I was afraid to marry. She hinted at wanting to know my feelings over a year ago. I liked her, but wasn't ready to think about such things seriously. I kept putting it off at first, saying, "Maybe we'll talk about it more in another six months."

This went on for a while, and slowly became more of an issue after dating 1 1/2 years. She started insisting on dates for when I would marry her. It wasn't so much, "In your face" demanding, it was subtle pressure that became annoying. I soon came to dread such conversations to the point that it was hurting my interest in her.

It got to the "give me solid dates or we're breaking up" point around last fall. Then this winter, we broke up and got back together, but she had to know that we were getting married. Now we've broken up again, because the issue of meeting her mom came up again. I have met her brother/sister.

It's not like I'm totally against marrying her. She's a rare find in Korea: very good job, head on straight as far as money, is/was crazy in love for me, etc. I just want her to give me more time. She refuses, and says that if i'm not ready now, after 2 years, I'll never be ready. I'm not sure about that. She is. I really don't want to lose her.

Guys, when you married, did you have reservations as if you were going to lose all freedom in your life? I literally feel like my life is going to be over if I marry. I feel like soon I will be stuck in a situation from which I can never escape without serious pain and financial difficulty. Trapped, like most of the rest of the world seems to be, in the misery of marriage.

So many people divorce these days. I don't want that. I keep hearing other guys say, "Oh don't marry... never marry... it's awful..." That, or I hear female coworkers complain about their husbands.

Is ANYONE happily married these days? Obviously, about 50% divorce. What percentage of the 50% left are actually happy? 25%?

I want to feel crazy about the person I am going to marry -- as if I'm certain I've found the one I want to settle with. Is that asking too much? I almost started to feel like this dating relationship was already a marriage from which I couldn't escape.

Am I unable to see this wonderful girl for what she really is, or am I just so turned-off on marriage that it's never gonna happen? Should I feel totally in love? Guys, what did you feel about your lady?

[riley]

Part of the reason I married her was because she felt like a good friend. I was myself around her and if I changed it was because I wanted to, not because she said I should. Sexually, we matched, and same with when we aren't in the bedroom.

For all that, yeah, I felt nervous about being married. Your sense of freedom and responsibility change, the former decreases while the latter increases. Why'd you get back with her again? If it was because of your choice, then maybe you should think about marriage. Listen to yourself and don't get too worried, but also don't get forced into it.

[ella]

How old are you, gsxr750r?

[Cerebroden]

so let me get this straight.....she's not happy just being with you? She HAS to be married to you? Sounds like that's your answer right there.

reservations? Yes
Did the pro's outweigh the cons? Yes
Am I still happily married? Yes

[gsxr750r]

Me: Soon 37 Korean age. Her: 34 Korean age.

We get along well. If anything, I almost worried that she was too understanding of my sometimes crappy attitudes. We only seem to fight about marriage stuff, mostly. Sexually we are very compatible, and there are no problems here.

Yeah, I know I'm getting old, and she is too. Obviously, age is a huge factor here. She's tired of me jerking her around as far as the marriage thing goes, and I understand that. I don't want to lose her, because I love her. I'm just not feeling like marrying yet for the reasons stated above. She's tired of waiting, and tired of me wavering. I'm sure she faces a lot of pressure. She's met my family in the US (she already had a tourist visa for business) and they liked her. I'm sure I would like her mom a lot. I'm just scared because I know once i'd meet her, the plans would go into overdrive, and I'd be walking down the aisle before I had a chance to take a breath.

It's obvious that she loves me, but she's just sick of being hurt by my inability to tie the knot. I feel terrible about that, but I try to tell myself that it's better not to (possibly) mess up her life by marrying when I'm not ready, and being a bad husband as a result. I have this fear of being a bad husband -- not respecting my wife enough, etc.. I'd rather not marry than be like that. Sometimes, I felt like I was that way to her as a boyfriend (not buying flowers enough, not getting thrilled/making romantic plans about anniversary dates, etc.), and I fear being such as a husband.

[Cerebroden]

how long do you plan to stay in korea? I mean it shouldn't really be an issue until you leave and want to go back to the states?

[gsxr750r]

No plans to leave. Figured we'd stay another 3 to 5 years if we married, most likely. Not solid on any of that, though.

[Cerebroden]

ok well...tell her that if she really loved you she would wait for you

Tha might last another 6 months, then around that time. Put a ring on her finger...you can push that for another 2 years. Then either bounce or get married.

[gsxr750r]

I would agree with you, but we already followed that route 6 month ago, and we're now at the end of the 6 months.

[Cerebroden]

ok fine...
tell her that if she really Really loved you....

[Novernae]

She's been raised to understand that that piece of paper validates her existence and your relationship, not to mention the pressure I'm sure she's getting from her family. It's an unfortunate, outdated idea that hopefully will eventually disappear, but unfortunately it has hold of her.

Ask yourself why you think marriage will really change things. If you really fit together, what would a piece of paper and a ceremony do to change that? My husband and I considered ourselves to be 'married' when we both admitted we wanted to spend our lives together. We'll probably eventually officialise it for the sanity of our families, but for all intents and purposes, we are married. Nothing changed, except for the better. You have to be honest with yourself. Only you can say whether you are happy with your situation and want to continue in that same situation. If the question and stress of marriage wasn't there, would you be happy with her?

[cubanlord]

[SuperFly]

To answer the OP question...not really. I was old enough to know that this was something we both wanted. I knew I was going to marry her in the first month we started dating. She's a good girl, and I love a lot of things about her. We dated for two years before we finally made the decision to go ahead with it. We had planned the marriage for about a year after that...total 3 years dating and planning.

I've been married for 8.5 years. It's been great overall, but we've had issues and fights 1-2 times a month on average. The fights are usually about me spending too much money so it's nothing serious.

I was 34 Korean age and she was 23 Korean age. She had just graduated. One of her pastors tried to talk me out of marriage with her because her parents wanted to marry her to a Kyopo that attended M.I.T. because they thought she wanted to marry an American and not a Korean. She and I both told the pastor to go jump in a lake.

I was more worried about her dads connections with gangsters back home and his threats to hurt my family than anything else. We had a rough time sneaking her out of Korea, but we did it and he immediately relented and flew to Arizona to meet my folks and everything was ok. I never told my mom and dad about his gangster threats. Father in law is dead now, R.I.P. - and I have to give him this, once he accepted the fact that I was his son in law, he treated me like his own son. He was a high level guy at YongSan administration office, so he had a lot of clout and knew all the American generals and had a base pass. Had we lived in Korea those first 8 years of marriage, I'm sure he would have gotten us both good jobs somewhere, somehow. I miss the guy now, and I wish I had come back to Korea when he was bedridden, my wife came twice when he was in hospital, I stayed behind because I was afraid to see him sick.

If she's a good girl, and you love her, then marry her. I'm glad I married mine, even though it's not perfect. Tell me, have you ever seen a perfect relationship?

[Zoidberg]

[cubanlord]