Korean Job Discussion Forums

[happeningthang]

BRITAIN IS REPOSSESSING THE U.S.A.

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
Independence , effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas , which She does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.



To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
Rules are introduced with immediate effect:

(You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary)

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

6. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion Tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) -- roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips Are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with ketshup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as Beer,
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies).

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.



John Cleese

[thepeel]

Very funny! Thanks for posting it.

It is even more funny if you picture Basil Faulty (sp) saying it with the arrogance of a risen nose.

This: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsHk9WC7fnQ is similarly funny.

[Junior]

he'll have to do better than that to revive his pathetic flagging career.

[thepeel]

Camon J. Why you have to be such a miserable shit.

I think that those Americans and British in Korea would find this very funny due to their habit of having discussions about the points listed above every Friday night. Esp the stuff about football etc.

It was funny. Don't be such a downer.

[ddeubel]

I agree, very funny and a great read.... the proper way we should deal with our differences.

I think we should all cast our next votes in favour of comedians - atleast they see that there are always two sides to things -- outside and inside.

DD

[Beej]

If the UK repossessed the USA, would this new Britian then become its own sycophantic lap dog?

[Pligganease]

Trying to repossess the independence of the U.S. worked out so well for them last time...

[flakfizer]

I don't think is from Cleese.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

This was on the Net a long, long time ago. I remember a Brit making copies of it and placing it on our desks back when I was working at a hagwon...6 years ago. It hasn't gotten any funnier since then. Although, I did get a laugh out of how the once mighty Brits have been reduced to bragging about German cars.


Oh, and why is this in current events? The "event" is not real and the "piece" (of shit) is old, old, old.

[SPINOZA]

The bit about German cars was a failed attempt at irony in your case Flakfizer. Everyone else probably got it - even a numbskull like Beej. But yes - it is very old. My estimate was at least 3 years old, but 6 isn't a surprise. There are other self-depricating items in there also. The Writer is trying to have a laugh at both countries.

[igotthisguitar]

The British Crown has "quietly" called many of the shots in American political life ... right from the start

God Save the Queen.

[ChuckECheese]

Bushy save the queeny!

[igotthisguitar]

[flakfizer]

[Beej]

[jaganath69]