Korean Job Discussion Forums

meangradin · Joined: 10 Mar 2006

What are some of the cultural problems you have experienced in your marriages? For me, a big one right now is that we are having a second wedding in Korea, as our first was in Canada. My parents are coming over for the wedding, and my wife they just told me that my parents are expected to make a donation to her when she performs the bowing ritual at the end of the wedding. Let me just say that my parents are Scottish and they have earned (and saved) every penny they have ever made. Furthermore, they really believe that children must be independent, especially when their children are in their 30's, as I am. Hell, they didn't pay for my post secondary education. When I mentioned the ritual to them, they just laughed it off. Let me just say that this went down like a lead balloon with my in laws. What makes matters worse is that my parents are quite wealthy, so my in laws do not understand why they won't give heaps us of money.

Anyone have similar stories?

eamo · Joined: 08 Mar 2003 Location: Shepherd's Bush, 1964.

You'll have to ask your wife to carefully explain the cultural difference to her parents. Koreans will assume that the parents will financially help out their offspring.

babtangee · Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 2:42 am Post subject:

I just asked my wife about this. She has never heard of the "tradition" you mention. She said traditionally some money would be given to the flower girls to buy dinner as thanks for all their hard work, but these days they don't usually do anything so they don't get that money anymore. She has never heard of the grooms parents "donating" money to the bride. Either you misunderstood or you are being fleeced, dude.

EDIT: You are expected to provide your wife with a house. But then, she is expected to furnish it.

RACETRAITOR · Joined: 24 Oct 2005 Location: Seoul, South Korea

Is it really too much to ask your parents to do this?

meangradin · Joined: 10 Mar 2006

I already bought the house, so I have gone through that one. Again, I bought it with my own money, with not a penny from Mom and Dad. I have always been curious what would happen to you if your Korean parents could not afford to give you the money for an apartment. Does this mean you can never get married?

AS for the "fleecing," I 've seen this ceremony performed at every Korean wedding I have been to, so i know it does exist. The last wedding I went to the bride received over 10,000,000, according to my friends

I don't think it is too much for my parents to do, but they feel differently about it, so what can I do? I am stuck in the middle, and it is a lonely place.

Pak Yu Man · Joined: 02 Jun 2005 Location: The Ida galaxy

Give your parents the money to give to your wife. then your wife can give it back to you.

That's old school stuff. Tell your wife "welcome to the 20th century...or even the 21st".

babtangee · Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 3:17 am Post subject:

Well then, just give your parents the money and ask them to pretend it came from them. And, as the Brits would say, "Bob's your uncle."

Milwaukiedave · Joined: 02 Oct 2004 Location: Goseong

That seems a little strange. I was married about a year and a half ago. I've never heard of this either.

Usually all the guests give the bride and groom money, which is used to pay for the wedding. Now how the money that is left over is used varies, but usually the couple keeps it.

babtangee · Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 5:19 am Post subject:

anae · Joined: 13 May 2003 Location: cowtown

The tradition the OP is referring to happens during pyebek after the deep bows have been made and the wine has been served. The bride and groom hold the bride's wedding veil between them and family members throw dates and chestnuts and money in envelopes in to it. The pyebek is really for the bride to greet her in-laws, but now both sets of parents usually participate. My parents participated and gave us some money to help out with our honeymoon, but the amount was decided by them. The one thing they weren't prepared for was the part where they are supposed to give the newly weds advice on camera. My dad ended up saying something like "If you don't take care of her, I will come and take her back." Funny stuff.

RJjr · Joined: 17 Aug 2006 Location: Turning on a Lamp

All that's needed is some mutual understanding. That being said, it's time for the in-laws to become educated about your culture's practice of the "post-bow ceremony" where the bride gives the money to the groom so he can put it in his individual offshore bank account as "home insurance" since the bride will get the house in the event of divorce.

Real Reality · Joined: 10 Jan 2003 Location: Seoul

RJjr · Joined: 17 Aug 2006 Location: Turning on a Lamp

Some reputable accounting firm needs to do a cost analysis of mail order brides versus domestic brides. Some factors that need to be taken into account are upfront costs, costs over the long haul, average length of marriage, and divorce/alimony costs.

Maybe a third comparison could calculate the average costs of staying single and "mongering" once a week until the average age a man goes impotent.

Unposter · Joined: 04 Jun 2006

Anae is correct. Pyebaek occurs after the main ceremony in the traditional Korean wedding. Many Koreans today have modern ceremonies, either Christian or modeled after the Christian ceremony, but they still have pyebaek afterward. Some Christians don't do the pyebaek anymore as it is seen as "superstitious" or un-Christian.

My suggestion is that "keeping up appearances" and image are very important in Korea. If you have a pyebaek, have your parents throw some envelopes around. What is in the envelopes doesn't really matter as long as they look thick. It could be fun!

I remember when I first came to Korea and my students would tell me that weddings cost over a 100 million won. I thought, "Man, they must have some really snazzy weddings over." I would tell my students, in America, a pretty good wedding would go for around $10,000. And, my students would laugh.

But, of course, the "cost of the wedding" includes the deposit/purchase of an apartment. But, when I think of the "cost of the wedding," it is the cost of the ceremony. It never occured to me add in the cost of housing.

But, I think this is pretty telling of Korean, at least traditional Korean culture. Weddings are financial transactions. It is the merging of two families. At worst, it is the "buying" of a bride.

This is what you want to fake in the pyebaek.

As for what do men do who cannot put down at least a deposit on an apartment. Yes, they do not get married. What respectable Korean woman would marry such a man?

They say there are three "keys" to marriage in Korea. The key to the office, the key to the car and the key to the house. Once you have those, then you put out your shingle and see who buys. I'm sure there will be plenty.

And, congratulations on your engagement! I hope you have a long and happy marriage!

ratslash · Joined: 08 May 2003

is your wife cool with not getting the cash? you mentioned it was your inlaws who are a bit angry? is she is cool, can you not just pretend?

your parents give your wife the cash, and you give it back to them later?!

or is your wife meant to do something with the cash afterwards?