Korean Job Discussion Forums

[daskalos]

I met my husband ten years ago. Six months later, we exchanged rings and said vows. We lived together for the next three years. Due to the inequity of marriage laws in our two countries, we have conducted the last six and a half years of our marriage by way of visits. Some just ten days long, after a year. Some, five months.

When we find a way around, someday, inequitable marriage/immigration law, we will live together through our dotage and, since we are both a little spiritually inclined, beyond that time.

So here�s what I know about long-distance relationships.

1) If you do not both adore each other beyond reason, don�t try it. Because it�s hard, and nothing short of complete adoration is a strong enough bond to keep the fire alive. Since many people are incapable of enduringly complete adoration, most attempts at this arrangement fail.

2) Talk to each other on the phone or on the internet every day. Every day, even if it�s only for two minutes.

3) It happens that my marriage is one between two men, so it�s easier for us to understand that we each have physical, sexual needs that have no bearing on our mutual adoration for each other. The arrangement we have fits our personalities and understandings. We call it the Continental Clause, and its essential restriction is �Just once.�

4) That is, no dating. You need to get your business taken care of, go ahead and do that, but the less emotionally intimate that can be, the better. This is a little difficult for some straight people to grasp, but it�s a sine qua non of making long-term LDR�s work.

5) Be a romantic. If relationships are to you a matter of status or convenience and the best fit you can find under the circumstances, break up before you leave.

If you are temperamentally capable of living within these guidelines, you stand a pretty good chance. If even one of these conditions isn�t one you can honestly meet, give it up. It�s not worth the anguish.

In a month and a half, I will go to spend the summer and fall with my husband. I could instead spend only a month there and make more money by leaving him, but then, I have my priorities straight.

I hope in this note to give hope to those who can meet the conditions I lay out and to save from grief those who can't or are involved with those who can't.

Good luck.