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shifter2009
Joined: 03 Sep 2006
Location: wisconsin
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 Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:09 am Post subject: A lesson in American football |
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From the boys at Kissingsuzykolber.net, a little number that is sure to piss someone off. Yet, damn did I get a giggle.
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Now that the NFL has decided to start playing games abroad in an attempt to extend their global fanbase, we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to begin a multi-part series schooling our international friends in all things NFL. First up: England.
Hello, English people! Or should I say, top of the marnin� to ya? Huh? Huh? It�s my honor to take you on a tour of all things NFL and explain why it might appeal to you folks in London, or as I like to call it, �Seattle With Funny Accents.� No doubt you�ve heard of the NFL, but haven�t had the chance to learn more about it because you were too busy breathlessly overhyping lousy bands (�The new Travis album is absolutely MASSIVE!�) and eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise straight from the jar. But with this crash course, I think you�ll learn to lurve the NFL almost as much as you enjoy the comedic stylings of Ruby Wax.
In addition, you Brittainians have been bestowed with the honor of hosting the first-ever regular season NFL game to be played on European soil. Unfortunately, that game will be played between the New York Giants and Miami Dolphins, which means it will bear more than a striking resemblance to the World Bowl preseason games and London Monarchs WLAF games of years past. My apologies. Nevertheless, that didn�t stop 40,000 of you from snapping up tickets for the game at Wembley the day they went on sale. Sure, most of those tickets were probably bought by American citizens living abroad. But I�m sure the remaining 6 of you actual UK natives will learn to enjoy watching Eli Manning overthrow receivers with the same inexplicable sense of schadenfreude as us Americans.
Until that magical day on October 28, here�s a handy Let�s Go guide to the NFL tailored to the sensibilities of all you pasty, strawberry-blond Limeys. So let�s get pissed on some American football!
What You�ll Think Is Ace About The NFL:
-The Manning family. They�re just like the Royal Family, only somehow more inbred
-With Americans in the stands, you�ll have a proper outlet for violent hooliganism
-Tampa QB's Jeff Garcia and Chris Simms only men on Earth gayer than Graham Norton
-Excuse to drink pints of Beamish Red every Sunday between the hours of 6:15PM and 5:30AM
-FOX camerawork eerily resembles hacky jump-cutting of a Guy Ritchie film
-Terrible Cleveland Browns offense mimics the start-stop rhythms of Dizzie Rascal
-Gives Americans something to occupy themselves, delaying them from doing horrible things like invading sovereign nations and producing American remake of �Coupling�
-Fun to notice differences between Stuart Scott's lazy eye and Thom Yorke's lazy eye
-Halftime show allows for quick trip to Sainsbury's for HP Sauce and cold meat pies
-Opportunity to see heterosexual black men, of which England is conspicuously absent
-Being across the Atlantic means John Madden cannot visit
-British affinity for the words �cunt�, �cunty�, and �cunting� will really help drive the inherent sexism in the sport home
-Frequent stoppages in play allow Brits more time to enjoy national pastime of cattily bitching about everything
-NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell looks oddly British
-Switching to NFL allows transition from shitty blogs like Arseblog to superior dick joke blogs like KSK
What You�ll Think Is Absolute Shite About The NFL:
-The padding. Yes, yes, rugby players are tougher because they don�t wear pads and play exclusively in hot pants (nice kit!). Whatever. I�m sure Ray Lewis wouldn�t last one second playing for Leicester. You keep on believing that
-For Welsh fans: distracting amount of consonants in player�s last names
-Not enough advertising on uniforms or field
-Lack of Carling scarves in the crowd
-The coaches. American coaches are far less histrionic than their British soccer counterparts. You�ll never hear things like, �WHAT IS THIS UGLINESS?� from an American coach. Sir Alex Ferguson has more charisma in his gusset than Andy Reid does in his whole big fat body
-Joe Buck. Yes, we also hate him here. So why do we put him on television? No clue. Tough shit. He�s your problem now
-Game played by group of people that still fail to acknowledge subpar talents of Robbie Williams
Tailgate Options:
We all know British food tastes like fresh parrot shit (Cloves? Tom Collins mix? Frozen pie crust? Mmmmm!). But, luckily for you, the early 20th century British slave trade created an influx of Indian immigrants that actually knew how to make passable cuisine. That�s why I suggest an all-Indian tailgate party outside of Wembley. Feast on Aloo Gobi, Samosas, Chicken Tikka Masala, Daal, Naan, and other tasty dishes. But make sure you get some meat in there. That all-vegetarian thing with Indian food is for faggots men who enjoy the company of other men.
Players That Will Appeal To British Sensibilities:
-Eli Manning. No one�s whiter than Eli Manning
-All kickers
-All punters
-Suspended players Chris Henry and Pacman Jones will happily reenact the drunken escapades of Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley
-Persistent fuckup Michael Vick like a black, mobile Pete Doherty
-Dhani Jones. Literate linebacker could pass himself off as lead singer of Bloc Party if need be
I hope you British folk enjoyed our condescending little tour through our American footie league. We�ll see you at Wembley in October! Thought you were seeing Paul Weller Rodgers fronting Queen and destroying Freddie Mercury�s legacy that night? Boy, are you in for a surprise! |
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JMO
Joined: 18 Jul 2006
Location: Daegu
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 9:50 am Post subject: |
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i'm a big fan of American Football and the best place to learn nore about this wonderful sport is at http://www.footballoutsiders.com/
That piece is funny and I feel no shame spamming this link over it. |
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shifter2009
Joined: 03 Sep 2006
Location: wisconsin
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Thats a good site, I think www.profootballtalk.com is for advanced learners. God, I love football. |
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JMO
Joined: 18 Jul 2006
Location: Daegu
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:14 pm Post subject: |
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| shifter2009 wrote: |
| Thats a good site, I think www.profootballtalk.com is for advanced learners. God, I love football. |
Thats a great site and normally really funny also. Do you post on football outsiders? |
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Gamecock
Joined: 26 Nov 2003
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:34 pm Post subject: |
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| Yesterday as we were warming up for the weekly teacher's volleyball game, one of the teachers came prancing out of the equipment room with an American football. It was the first one I'd seen in Korea. The male teachers started throwing it around, which was a complete disaster. One guy tried to catch an end-over-end toss on the short hop, only to discover that a football doesn't bounce with any consistency at all. It smoked him in the face and sent his glasses flying...After about 30 minutes of instruction from me, one of the guys could almost throw a spiral. It was hilarious. |
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yawarakaijin
Joined: 08 Aug 2006
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| Posted: Wed Jun 20, 2007 11:10 pm Post subject: |
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I loved teaching ESL in Vancouver.
Disloacted shoulders resulting from their attempts to throw the ball any further than 3 feet were gauranteed to result in hilarity. The amount of times the ball would take a weird bounce and end up hitting one of them square in the nuts always brought tears of laughter to my eyes. All the while I was just sitting back reveling in my machiavellian machination.
Screw nuclear warfare. Drop a million footballs on North Korea and watch them decimate themselves before our very own eyes and then cash in on America's Funniest Home Videos.  |
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shifter2009
Joined: 03 Sep 2006
Location: wisconsin
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 8:34 am Post subject: |
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| I got a nerf football, and I love taking it out with my older students in between classes. Usually I give them a nice long lofty spiral for them to have bounce off their knoggins when they instead of trying to catch it just block their face with their hands. It also satisfying to occasionally rifle one right into some kids melon who was sleeping last class instead of paying attention. If he can stay awake for football, best be able think fast. |
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JMO
Joined: 18 Jul 2006
Location: Daegu
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 11:06 am Post subject: |
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| shifter2009 wrote: |
| I got a nerf football, and I love taking it out with my older students in between classes. Usually I give them a nice long lofty spiral for them to have bounce off their knoggins when they instead of trying to catch it just block their face with their hands. It also satisfying to occasionally rifle one right into some kids melon who was sleeping last class instead of paying attention. If he can stay awake for football, best be able think fast. |
Yea, a pet peeve of mine. If I shout catch, catch it. Don't let it sail past you or block it down with your hands. I am normally chuck erasers though I don't have a ball. |
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shifter2009
Joined: 03 Sep 2006
Location: wisconsin
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, the kids got foot eye coordination but the hand eye thing is pretty lacking. Goes with playing soccer all day, I seem the notice similiar pattern playing basketball with them, they got some good moves when it comes to footwork and moving to the basket, but when it comes time to pull up for the shot, things go awry. Learn to use your hands kids! |
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yawarakaijin
Joined: 08 Aug 2006
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:07 am Post subject: |
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I remember being very good with my hands, even at a young age.
yes..both of em. |
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JMO
Joined: 18 Jul 2006
Location: Daegu
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 5:13 am Post subject: |
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| shifter2009 wrote: |
| Yeah, the kids got foot eye coordination but the hand eye thing is pretty lacking. Goes with playing soccer all day, I seem the notice similiar pattern playing basketball with them, they got some good moves when it comes to footwork and moving to the basket, but when it comes time to pull up for the shot, things go awry. Learn to use your hands kids! |
I rarely see korean kids playing soccer or any sport really in comparison to anywhere on the british isles anyway. |
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shifter2009
Joined: 03 Sep 2006
Location: wisconsin
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 12:06 pm Post subject: |
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| I see kids playing all the time, maybe not well, but playing all the time. My older boys, around 15 years old run out the door during their 5 minute break to kick the ball around or whatever. I ask everyday how was school and what they did and playing soccer is always an answer. Never being part of the British Isles lifestyle I can't say how the sport fits in but these kids seem to all about it. Now if we could teach them to pick it up and drop a shoulder, I'd be happy. |
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pkang0202
Joined: 09 Mar 2007
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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| shifter2009 wrote: |
| Yeah, the kids got foot eye coordination but the hand eye thing is pretty lacking. Goes with playing soccer all day, I seem the notice similiar pattern playing basketball with them, they got some good moves when it comes to footwork and moving to the basket, but when it comes time to pull up for the shot, things go awry. Learn to use your hands kids! |
I made the same observation in another thread and was accused of being an idiot and a moron. Maybe all the trolls and flamers DID get kicked off of the board. |
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JMO
Joined: 18 Jul 2006
Location: Daegu
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| Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007 3:54 pm Post subject: |
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| shifter2009 wrote: |
| I see kids playing all the time, maybe not well, but playing all the time. My older boys, around 15 years old run out the door during their 5 minute break to kick the ball around or whatever. I ask everyday how was school and what they did and playing soccer is always an answer. Never being part of the British Isles lifestyle I can't say how the sport fits in but these kids seem to all about it. Now if we could teach them to pick it up and drop a shoulder, I'd be happy. |
Could be my route to work doesn't take me past schools. I rarely see kids just doing kicky ups, randomly kicking a ball against a wall, or boys playing in the street though. Probably the park anywhere mentality and the crazy delivery men cuts down on this. |
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shifter2009
Joined: 03 Sep 2006
Location: wisconsin
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2007 5:32 am Post subject: |
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| pkang0202 wrote: |
| shifter2009 wrote: |
| Yeah, the kids got foot eye coordination but the hand eye thing is pretty lacking. Goes with playing soccer all day, I seem the notice similiar pattern playing basketball with them, they got some good moves when it comes to footwork and moving to the basket, but when it comes time to pull up for the shot, things go awry. Learn to use your hands kids! |
I made the same observation in another thread and was accused of being an idiot and a moron. Maybe all the trolls and flamers DID get kicked off of the board. |
Yeah, I thought this thread would get carpet bombed by the soccer crowd but were pleasantly being ignored. Now, what we need to do is set our selves up a real football game. |
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