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Alyallen
Joined: 29 Mar 2004
Location: The 4th Greatest Place on Earth = Jeonju!!!
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 Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 2:33 am Post subject: |
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Jizzo, I am puzzled. There is a specific length of time necessary after the break up to be sad and weepy?
I dated a guy for over 2 years but eventually I saw the writing on the wall and when we finally broke up it wasn't the wrist slashing emotional roller coaster you apparently deem an appropriate response to a break up. Did I love him? Absolutely but love isn't an accuse to not see the reality of a situation....
I guess I am heartless...Alas  |
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jessie-b
Joined: 17 Apr 2006
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| Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 4:46 am Post subject: |
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I've been in a long-term relationship and had a sad but not HEARTBROKEN feeling about it. Because sometimes our hearts break little by little in a relationship and then there's the times...as Kermo so articulately described, when we feel "flayed" and completely broken.
I was listening to this interview with Min Jin Lee, author of "Free Food for Millionares", and she was talking about this hardening, or numbing that happens as we grow. She was saying how she has to guard against it in order to maintain intimacy with people. Its so hard to do without feeling that "emotional one-night stand" crap, esp. with a lover. In friendships, if you expect a lot from someone and they love you, sometimes you can get mad at them and fix things.
I'm mad at Kermo's guy for leaving. I'm mad at everyone for leaving, myself included. Stop leaving. |
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kermo
Joined: 01 Sep 2004
Location: Eating eggs, with a comb, out of a shoe.
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| Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 6:58 pm Post subject: |
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| jessie-b wrote: |
I'm mad at Kermo's guy for leaving. I'm mad at everyone for leaving, myself included. Stop leaving. |
Awwww. I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm glad he left. Leaving is *highly underrated.* I'm very grateful to a lot of guys for leaving me, and I wish some of them had done it sooner. |
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The Bobster
Joined: 15 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 11:45 pm Post subject: |
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| kermo wrote: |
| jessie-b wrote: |
I'm mad at Kermo's guy for leaving. I'm mad at everyone for leaving, myself included. Stop leaving. |
Awwww. I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm glad he left. Leaving is *highly underrated.* I'm very grateful to a lot of guys for leaving me, and I wish some of them had done it sooner. |
kermo, hate to say this, and you know I'm not coming on to you, but you are obviously too nice AND too beautiful. Eventually, you're going to have to decide between the two, because trying to be both is, for a woman, just cruizin' for a bruisin'. Not a wonderful fact, but it's the world. (If I had a daughter, I think I'd want her to be a little pretty, sure, acceptably attractive, but not breathtakingly beautiful. Life eventually teaches beautiful women that they can't really be nice all the time, not if they want to live.)
If I have to choose between hanging with beautiful people or nice people - and yeah, sometimes we do have to choose - I go for nice every day of the week, 24 and 7. Heck, who wouldn't?
Gonna whisper in your ear very softly : You, also, can choose to leave. And yeah, I'm guilty of the same, hanging around until the other one makes the move ... one of these days, we gotta learn, right? |
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Jizzo T. Clown
Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Location: at my wit's end
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| Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 1:23 am Post subject: |
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| Alyallen wrote: |
Jizzo, I am puzzled. There is a specific length of time necessary after the break up to be sad and weepy?
I dated a guy for over 2 years but eventually I saw the writing on the wall and when we finally broke up it wasn't the wrist slashing emotional roller coaster you apparently deem an appropriate response to a break up. .
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Wtf?! No, all I'm saying is that if you're at the point where it doesn't even hurt you to leave, then some problems should've been addressed long ago. There's nothing worse than one person thinking everything's ok, and the other secretly planning their escape.
We owe it to the person to be honest all the time--not silently think "This isn't working. I'll be breaking up with this person when the time is right." Why is it not working? If you can't work through it together, then have "a talk" and end it.
A relationship is all about mutual respect. Too bad I only figured that out within the past couple of years, which probably explains why I'm single (but not lonely) now. |
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Alyallen
Joined: 29 Mar 2004
Location: The 4th Greatest Place on Earth = Jeonju!!!
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| Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 2:04 am Post subject: |
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| Jizzo T. Clown wrote: |
| Alyallen wrote: |
Jizzo, I am puzzled. There is a specific length of time necessary after the break up to be sad and weepy?
I dated a guy for over 2 years but eventually I saw the writing on the wall and when we finally broke up it wasn't the wrist slashing emotional roller coaster you apparently deem an appropriate response to a break up. .
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Wtf?! No, all I'm saying is that if you're at the point where it doesn't even hurt you to leave, then some problems should've been addressed long ago. There's nothing worse than one person thinking everything's ok, and the other secretly planning their escape.
We owe it to the person to be honest all the time--not silently think "This isn't working. I'll be breaking up with this person when the time is right." Why is it not working? If you can't work through it together, then have "a talk" and end it.
A relationship is all about mutual respect. Too bad I only figured that out within the past couple of years, which probably explains why I'm single (but not lonely) now. |
Jeez, Jizzo. I was just being a tad sarcastic, is all....
People are stubborn and sometimes don't see the writing on the wall. But once it happens, I don't see it as a reason to backslide into a mild depression over it. Cherish the memories and move on...what's the point in moping and sulking? |
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kermo
Joined: 01 Sep 2004
Location: Eating eggs, with a comb, out of a shoe.
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| Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 2:06 am Post subject: |
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| The Bobster wrote: |
Gonna whisper in your ear very softly : You, also, can choose to leave. And yeah, I'm guilty of the same, hanging around until the other one makes the move ... one of these days, we gotta learn, right? |
The compliments aren't creepy, but the whispering is. 
Anyway, I know I could have chosen to leave, but I was too stupid at the time to realize what an unhealthy situation I was in. It's only later, when the hormones quieted down and the stars in my eyes cleared away that I clued in, and thought "Whew, dodged a bullet there." Sour grapes? Oh, not remotely. These guys went on to join cults, enter mental hospitals, go on hedonistic rampages, or just wither away. I'm happy they didn't drag me with them (well, maybe the hedonistic rampage would have been fun.) |
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Jizzo T. Clown
Joined: 27 Mar 2006
Location: at my wit's end
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| Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 2:16 am Post subject: |
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| kermo wrote: |
| These guys went on to join cults, enter mental hospitals, go on hedonistic rampages, or just wither away. |
Is that the effect you normally have on men? |
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kermo
Joined: 01 Sep 2004
Location: Eating eggs, with a comb, out of a shoe.
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| Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 2:19 am Post subject: |
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| Jizzo T. Clown wrote: |
| kermo wrote: |
| These guys went on to join cults, enter mental hospitals, go on hedonistic rampages, or just wither away. |
Is that the effect you normally have on men? |
Interesting question. It's probably down to one of two things:
1) I am attracted/attractive to head-cases.
2) Tormented by regret and anguish after breaking up with me, their personalities imploded.
Or maybe you're right, and it's option 3:
3) I broke their brains. |
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The Bobster
Joined: 15 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Thu Jul 26, 2007 11:02 am Post subject: |
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| kermo wrote: |
| The Bobster wrote: |
Gonna whisper in your ear very softly : You, also, can choose to leave. And yeah, I'm guilty of the same, hanging around until the other one makes the move ... one of these days, we gotta learn, right? |
The compliments aren't creepy, but the whispering is.
Anyway, I know I could have chosen to leave, but I was too stupid at the time to realize what an unhealthy situation I was in. It's only later, when the hormones quieted down and the stars in my eyes cleared away that I clued in, and thought "Whew, dodged a bullet there." Sour grapes? Oh, not remotely. These guys went on to join cults, enter mental hospitals, go on hedonistic rampages, or just wither away. I'm happy they didn't drag me with them (well, maybe the hedonistic rampage would have been fun.) |
Didn't mean to creep you with the whispering thing, and I won't do it any more. I'll try it this way :
With luck, when we need to, we eventually DO learn where the door is, right?
Like I said, I've had the same problem, maybe it's just an excess of courtesy ... |
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jaderedux2
Joined: 09 Jul 2007
Location: lurking just lurking
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| Posted: Fri Jul 27, 2007 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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Never had my heart broken. Not really. Who ever I have loved or loved me has been part of the journey that made me who I am. I am stingy with love (the romantic kind). Been in love 4 times in my life 3 ended with sad realization we weren't meant to be and I still correspond with them and they are my friends. And I mean real friends. We started as friends and managed to salvage that respect for each other.
Married now.
Love is a word I am not sure I understand sometimes. To some it seems to be some strange slavish devotion that is so painful that when it ends you feel like hell and want to die. I don't get that. If you love someone shouldn't their happiness be paramount to you. If they leave then wish them well and save the mementos and hope they find what they are looking for.
I have have been left for others...and have left someone for another. No one died. We parted sadly and then became friends. Love doesn't disappear...it changes and sometimes morphs into something else. To ask someone to be your "everything" is why hearts get broken. That burden is too great for any man or woman.
I have good friends I love very much. I have a husband I love but in a different way. I have family I love despite our conflicts. Life is short and to hold grudges and wallow in a pit of despair is not worth my time. I am not perfect but I am less likely to find a lover and more likely to find a friend. Friends and I mean good friends are a treasure.
Don't confuse lust, longing, desire for love. For all those days spent in ecstasy there are so many more days that are spent quietly just living life. Surviving through the times that are hard. Having someone to share your experiences with and commiserate at the end of the day seems preferable than all the hot fire passion that seems to break people into a thousand pieces.
Jade too philosophical in the morning |
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gyopogirlfromtexas
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Location: Austin,Texas
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| Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 9:21 am Post subject: |
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| Atavistic wrote: |
Months later he admitted he screwed up. OK, well, I'm not coming back.
Then, recently, he started crawling back, calling, emailing, "just to chat." I am seriously into someone else, and even if I weren't, I wouldn't want Peter Pan. |
I love it when they come back, and you have the power to mess with them all you want for revenge, and give them what they deserve, if you feel like it. One guy, I was in love with from 99-05. We kept taking turns going back to eachother during those years, crying"I love you and you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. No one campares to you and I don't want anybody else. You are the best."
I thought it's been so many years and we're not even married. We argued too much. Funny we never did argue, until the last year of the relationship, it felt like a fairytale at first. I moved, changed my email, phone, everything, so he can never find me again. I tried to completely forget him, and he would always pops out of the blue some way with those, " I still think of you everyday and wonder how you're doing." Then I'd cry. I hated it because I couldn't say no. We all have that one person who we felt was the love of our lives, and if we can ever feel like that for someone else.
Now, I don't even want to know, it hurt too much to think about him at all. I was watching 40 Year Old Virgin. When Paul Rudd (my ex looked like him. Lot of people would say to him, "Hey, you look like that step brother from Clueless.")was trying to get back with his ex gf and he was saying , "Love is suffering. It's pain and it's horrible. You lose weight and then you put back on weight and you call them a bunch of times and you try to email and then they move or change their email... but that's just love." I lost a lot of weight because I was so depressed, that I couldn't eat. First time broken up with him, I mourned for 3months, cried myself to sleep everynight and couldn't stop thinking about him. The final time, it took 3 months again.I kept telling myself that I've been through this before, and it should be shorter recovery time that time around.
Some guy was telling me a that very intelligent guy told him that we fall in love a maximium of 3x in or lives. I don't know how it can be proven, but there is at least one person someone loved so much, that they don't know if they can love someone else like that again. It takes years to find such a person. Does that mean once you've met all 3, and things didn't work out, you're sol? I guess I have one down, two more to go. |
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Atavistic
Joined: 22 May 2006
Location: How totally stupid that Korean doesn't show in this area.
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| Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 7:02 pm Post subject: |
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| gyopogirlfromtexas wrote: |
| Atavistic wrote: |
Months later he admitted he screwed up. OK, well, I'm not coming back.
Then, recently, he started crawling back, calling, emailing, "just to chat." I am seriously into someone else, and even if I weren't, I wouldn't want Peter Pan. |
I love it when they come back, and you have the power to mess with them all you want for revenge, and give them what they deserve, if you feel like it. |
The thing is, I don't want or need a whipping boy. I just want him to go away! |
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tigerbluekitty
Joined: 19 Apr 2007
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| Posted: Wed Aug 01, 2007 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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| kermo wrote: |
| Jizzo T. Clown wrote: |
| kermo wrote: |
| These guys went on to join cults, enter mental hospitals, go on hedonistic rampages, or just wither away. |
Is that the effect you normally have on men? |
Or maybe you're right, and it's option 3:
3) I broke their brains. |
I surely hope that's the effect you have on men...
Leave them drooling stupidly in a mental hospital.  |
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mack4289
Joined: 06 Dec 2006
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| Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 12:07 am Post subject: |
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| kermo wrote: |
Hmmmm. Well, if you insist...
The last time I was heart-broken was about a week after falling in love. I don't fall easy, but this guy (with the help of Jack Johnson and some candlelight) somehow lured my skittish heart into a box, and then smashed it with a hammer.
We both knew he was leaving the country. We'd always fancied each other a bit, but were too sensible to do anything about it. I let him kiss me. I let him dance with me, shuffling gently around his apartment, whispering beautiful lyrics in my ear. I had expected a make-out or a tussle, but here's how he described what followed: "You needed to be loved and for
those nights before I left I did love you. I loved you like you should be loved."
I kissed him goodbye, and he something like "Be nice to your administrators. Be nice to your students. But don't be good to them. You're only good to me."
I had no idea what this meant. Was he asking me not to "be good" to anyone else? Was I supposed to wait for him? Be his girlfriend? Walking away from that door, I felt like all my skin was being peeled off. I felt like I needed to go out and buy the darkest chocolate I could find. I wrote him a letter. For the next week, I continued to feel *flayed.* Finally, after a week, he responded, and I realized that his "love" had been either a moralistic justification for "baser" needs, or a patronising, compassionate gesture.
I hated myself being such a wimp, for letting him have an "emotional one-night stand" with me. For every day of sweetness and delight, there followed a day of anguish and nausea. Thankfully, it passed, and I can now listen to his ringtone without crying. I can't believe I just wrote that. |
Was he a mustachioed Japanese guy? http://www.slate.com/id/2171520/nav/tap3/ |
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