Korean Job Discussion Forums

maeil · Joined: 09 Jan 2006 Location: Haebangchon

I'm an American female about to meet the Korean future-mother-in-law. She's already not very happy about the situation and didn't want to let my fiance talk to her about me at all. She will be staying with us for a week. What can I do to get on her good side? Language is not an issue, fortunately.

Any advice is appreciated...

exit86 · Joined: 17 May 2006

Hi Maeil. I'm married to a Korean woman and had to go through some of the things you will soon go through.
My brother-in-law just got married to a really nice woman (also Korean) and I watched the whole process with them as well.
Here are some hints which I hope may help.

(DISCLAIMER: The following is simply advice from my own personal experience. It is offered simply to help, not as a statement seeking to
classify or categorize the South Korean people or South Korean culture. The following advice is given for the sake of the OP and is not offered in order to be thoroughly analyzed, dissected, and debated by others reading this thread. It is recommended that individuals lacking personal experience in this area kindly refrain from posting any type of critical comments regarding the following advice. You really must go through something like this to truly understand it.)
[Sorry Maeil, I had to do that]

Anyway,
1. Accept the fact that the road ahead of you at this point will be a bit rocky. If you stay strong and resolute, it will get better.

2. You stated that she is not too happy. Okay. Accept this fact too.
This too will get better.

3. You must speak Korean with her and your fiance. You absolutely must.

4. During her visit, you are really going to need to treat her with
the utmost respect. Use only the highest 존대말 when you speak to her.
Try to vocally agree with her as much as possible. Also try to assume
a submissive stance (hands gathered one atop the other at the front-waist, slightly bowed head, feet together) when in her presence.
Always appear happy and smiling (Remember the Korean proverb: "You can't spit in a smiling face"). She talks, you listen ALWAYS. She is your superior in many different ways according to Korean culture. You must play by her rules.

5. Cook Korean food for her and with her. Ask her for her help and advice to suit your fiances tastes. Remember: You are dealing with "the other woman" who has been taking care of him for all of his life.
She may be a bit grumbly and sooky and openly criticize your cooking skills. Just grin, bear it, and ask her for her advice and help. Ask her to teach you during her visit.

6. She is going to ask you some pretty strong questions about your future. You must have a good, strong answer for them. (Ex: children, children, children, children, house, country of residence, children, your children's nationality and education, etc).

7. You are really going to need to wait on her hand and foot while she is there. This is expected of all daughter-in-laws by their mother-in-laws.
Don't leave her alone. You need to be with her almost all of the time.
Pay for everything if you can.

8. If she gets cranky: My advice is to quietly take it. (You are going to have to play this by ear though. The moment you get angry is the moment you lose.)

9. Chances are, she will be a bit distant and stone-faced. Let her.
Just keep killing her with kindness. It will pay off. Remember another
Korean/Chinese proverb: "Seven times down, eight times up."
She's gonna try to knock you down with criticism and negative feelings.
It is all a test. Don't get angry. Try to quietly take it and get back up again and again. You'll pass the test if you keep smiling and stay positive.

10. Do not hold hands, kiss, or show a lot of affection with your fiance
in her presence. Always fill her glass. Remember to always use two hands when giving or receiving things to/from her. Shower her with attention. Don't expect her to be really nice to you. She always walks ahead of you. Let her call all the shots.

This is what I have to offer. Many of these tips sound really crazy I bet.
These types of things are expected of soon-to-be Korean daughter-in-laws though. This is the culture you are about to marry into. A lot of this advice sounds really weak and cowardly on your part. Once again, this is your new culture. You are a woman, and women are expected to be more passive. This is probably going to be the MOST difficult thing for you to adapt to. Believe me, it is tough. I still haven't gotten the submissive deal down (yes, men gotta do it too in different situations).
Take my advice, don't shoot your mouth off or show anger around
your new family. It sounds crazy, but I've been there.
Yeah, your mother-in-law will be a b**ch. Many are in Korean culture (this is the number one reason for divorces in Korea actually). It is a right earned through a very vicious cycle of mother-in-laws being mean to daughter-in-laws who grow up to be mother-in-laws who are then mean to their daughter-in-laws, etc etc extending back to time immemorial in Korea.
I won't lie to you, it's gonna be tough for a while for you. But, please
believe me when I say it will improve.
She may even insist upon being a b**ch up until your wedding day. She will give in though, possibly at the very last minute. (This is a very common bargaining tactic amongst many Koreans.)

I want you to understand that by marrying into a Korean family you will be expected to be Korean around them. I suggest doing A LOT of reading
on your new culture. In fact, know more about Korea than your family. This will REALLY impress them. You are going to really need to try hard.

I wish you luck. I hope these things help you.
Can we get some more advice from other expats married to Koreans?
Let's welcome her into the club guys and gals!

just another day · Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 4:47 am Post subject:

talk it out with ur fiance. plan how to approach it together. ask him to teach u basic korean greetings.

make sure ur posture and vibe is always that of a respectful daughter, who will take care of her son well. and who will be a good daughter in law. always be more respectful and more courteous than she is. don't let her see u do dirty things, like leaving dirty dishes without cleaning them over night, waking up later than everyone else. most likely, she will try to make breakfast make dinner etc.. don't let her and at the worst, just help her. the more effort you put into it, the more she will sympathize with you, no matter how much she doesn't like the idea. eventually if she sees that a non-korean daughter is so respectful and courteous, she will accept you and eventually love you and even start showing u off (if you can speak korean especially)

maybe during that week, you should stay outside of the same bedroom as your husband, unless it doens't seem to bother her. a korean mom doesn't want to imagine her son with a woman, having sex while she is in the same house, making her little baby boy moan with earthly pleasure and becoming a grown man. but then again, she may be liberal. extremely unlikely tho. if u drink with her, take it with two hands, turn ur body to the side to drink and do not face her while drinking. don't kiss ur fiance in front of her, imagine a father's anger at seeing her little daughter run off with the wild high school rebel. don't be that guy, don't be rebellious.

in the end, she will be worried that you will not take care of her son well, if u show u are capable of this, it will put her at ease.

many american women find that their husband's korean family is very loving and very accepting if you guys hit it off right.

here is Vera Farmiga's experience with Korean men and may give you an idea of a type of character and mannerisms and vibe that will greatly make korean women understand her and respect her. also, remember that you should emphasize something like you want to take care of ur fiance the same way she did. maybe even ask her some questions about him. because u are american woman, this will work. if u do all these things and she trusts u, lol she will start to get mad at HIM if he treats u even slightly bad. which is kinda scary. Laughing

mms://mmc.daumcast.net/mmc/2/movie/making/2007/06/mo_mf_700k.wmv

some of her impressions and actions may be telling. btw, i am a korean guy who lived in the US for most of my life.

caniff · Joined: 03 Feb 2004 Location: All over the map

just another day · Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 5:06 am Post subject:

Atavistic · Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 5:10 am Post subject:

Love the disclaimer.

You all are making me very happy that The Boy's family is flat out refusing to meet me right now.

caniff · Joined: 03 Feb 2004 Location: All over the map

I see your point. In many cases, I wouldn't want to be a daughter to Korean in-laws (whether I was an American or Korean woman).

just another day · Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 5:14 am Post subject:

just another day · Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 5:16 am Post subject:

Donkey Beer · Joined: 20 Jul 2006

Tell mom that you are very rich. You will be practically family after that.

Atavistic · Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 5:35 am Post subject:

Harpeau · Joined: 01 Feb 2003 Location: Coquitlam, BC

This can be very complicated. Much depends on factors around the family, etc.

Is your boyfriend the oldest son? That might make it difficult. The eldest son is responsible for the family and most Korean parents would have great difficulty accepting their son marrying a foreigner.

I wish Waterbaby was around. What about Techuk and other posters? Any thoughts on this? FWIW, if you're both not willing to make a complete break and move away homeward, or if the mother doesn't eventually come around, then I would walk away from the relationship. It's no use fighting that kind of bigotry/classism/racism. I wish you the best.

just another day · Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2007 5:42 am Post subject:

anae · Joined: 13 May 2003 Location: cowtown

I have been married to a Korean man for eight years and have a good relationship with my in-laws. When my husband first introduced me the family did not say they disaproved, but his father wanted time to think about it and get to know me. I was lucky that my MIL is a very soft-hearted person who just wanted what her son wanted.

It is part of the culture to be hard on daughter-in-laws. Traditionally, even DIL's who were chosen by the parents went through a trial by fire where they were constantly criticized by MIL and SIL. I largely escaped this except from my hyongnim, but even she didn't have the heart to do it to a bumbling foreigner. If you go in with that expectation, it won't be as hard.

Some advice that put my in my FIL's favor:

Wake up first and go to bed last.
Greet her first and in the most polite way.
Do all household chores yourself.
Encourage your MIL to rest.
Help with the cooking. My MIL always wants to do it herself. I get her to teach me.
Dont' say much. Let your fiance do most of the talking. My FIL loved that I was quiet.
Offer her things first and the best parts if you can.
Don't take start eating until she has taken a bite.
Eat neatly. Your rice bowl should always look good. (I know sound weird)
Wear socks. My sandal habbit was a little off putting.
Sleep separately in front of her until you are official.

My IL's are country people, so if your MIL isn't maybe skip these:
Eat second portions of rice if offered. MY IL's thought this was fabulous and used to brag about it to the neighbours.
Show your willingness to be practical. My IL's loved my frugal and no-nonsense nature. My FIL gave me some kind of compliment like, "Good thing she is not like those Seoul girls you see on TV."

I always try and remember that my IL's must have had quite a shock to discover their son was involved with a foreigner. I bet in their wildest imaginations they never thought of that. DIL's are supposed to be a help to the family and I certainly made a lot more work.

I wish you luck - and strength and patience. At least it is only a week.

shaunew · Joined: 17 Apr 2007 Location: Calgary

My mother in law was a bitch at first, but then she seen how I treated her daughter. Then things got better. My mother in law fell in love with after my wife told her our financial situation and I bought an apt. in Mok-dong. Kill them with kindness, and if they does not work. Koreans are very materialistic so show the dough. But if you hang in there and love him things will get better.