Korean Job Discussion Forums

[mack the knife]

So I finally watched this sack of ball cheese with my students the other day. Apparently they have introduced a new category of Academy Award called "Dumbest-ass piece of dog sh*t movie by Michael Bay", because this guy churns out so many of these turdlets they finally just made up an award so he'll f*ck off forever.

The whole movie was one giant, stinking pile of used maxis, so frankly I don't even know where to begin. I guess we'll start micro and move towards macro, or whatever the f*ck.

1. NO ROBOTS. The movie was at least 9 goddam hours long and the stars of the movie (the robots) occupied the screen for a total of, what, 20 minutes? The only interesting shot in the whole goddam movie was a close-up of some chick's upper-groinal/lower-abdominal region which lasted for like 23 minutes. Three minutes longer than you saw the goddam robots. F*****CKKKKK.

2. NO SOUNDWAVE. If they were going to show robots at all, why not show the one robot that f*cking MADE the TV show a hit in the first place? The whole original cartoon freakshow appeal was about how badass it would be to have a radio that launched tigers and sh*t out of its d*ck. Instead, they try to pawn off on us (a) a gay tank (b) a gay helicopter and (c) a gay Pointiac Solstice? CYBERF****CKKKKKK.


3. THE MOVIE WAS ACTUALLY DUMBER THAN THE CARTOON. Cartoons are for kids and socially challenged teens and adults. Transformers the cartoon, if memory serves me well, touched on themes such as politics, the environment, handicapped people, and other crap that idiots like Miss Universe and George Clooney pretend to give a sh*t about. The theme of the new movie? The same as every other dump Michael Bay has taken on your face: bigger, louder, dumber. I watched the movie on a piss-ant little 32 inch TV (my wang is bigger by 3 inches) but nevertheless my head eventually exploded from all the noise just like Grandpa's from the Simpsons when he watched that movie that one time. F*****CKTRONS.

4. THEIR VOICES PISSED ME OFF. Even if I hadn't been a fan of the original series this still would have happened. Especially Bumblef*ck's voice. So, he picks up movies and TV shows on his radio? Nice one, retards. And they absolutely f*cking slaughtered Starscream's voice. "THE SPORES, NOT THE SPORES!" The whole reason I sat through this sh*t-eating debacle was to hear that scratchy voice again. Nope. Not here. The original cast included big names like Scatman Crothers and Casey Kasem. The new voice-over cast included badasses such as........Jimmy Wood and Reno f*cking Wilson? Who the hell are these losers? TRANSF*****CK AND ROLL OUT.

Mr. Bay, here are some tips to help you make the next movie an actual success and not merely a financial one, because apparently you and Hollywood make no distinction between the two:

1. SHOW THE F*CKING ROBOTS. Every goddam scene should have robots pounding each other into slag and saying witticisms such as "Go to cyberhell, you b*tch-ass bucket of f*cknuts!"

2. And that's it, d*ckheads. BAM! That's 100% all anyone gives a sh*t about, turrrrrussssssst me.

[mack the knife]

Sorry folks, I'm gonna need this one well into the triple digits before my wrath towards this "film" bloweth over.

[eamo]

I had no emotional connection with Transformers as a kid (too old) so I switched offhe old noodle and just let the whole noisy, shiny mess wash over me. I kinda enjoyed it.

[RACETRAITOR]

Sorry, you're not Maddox.

[mack the knife]

[Kimchi Cowboy]

First, there was Predator.


Now, Transformers.


Nobody - NOBODY - writes a movie review like Mack the Knife.