Korean Job Discussion Forums

[chris_J2]

There is a fair bit of friendly ribbing between Australians & NZer's (who give as good as they get, imho). Just wondering if there's the same rivalry between the US & Canada, & how friendly or otherwise it is. eg these jokes, which are as old as the hills:

"How do you know ET wasn't a Kiwi? He went home."

"Why is New Zealand windy? Because Australia sucks!"

"An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar in Auckland, and leans over to the big guy next to him and says,""Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?"
The big bloke replies, "Well mate before you tell that joke, there's something you should know. I'm 1.90m tall, weigh 125kg and play as a forward for the All Blacks."
"The guy next to me is 1.85m tall weighs 115kg and he's and ex-All Black lock."
"Next to him is a bloke who's 2m tall, weighs 120kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now, do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"
The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

"Two Kiwis are talking together. First bloke says, " What's a Hindu?"
Second bloke, "I dunno." First bloke, "Lays iggs bro."

"Bruce and Cobber are driving into town from the ranch and it's Bruce's first time driving on a tarred road. A bit nervous at how Bruce will handle the narrower roads, Cobber says, "Bruce, have you ever made a u-turn?" Bruce replies: "No, but I once made a ram's eyes water."

"An Aussie, a Kiwi, and a South African are at a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, takes off his diamond encrusted watch, pulls out a gun shoots the watch to pieces. He says "In Seth Efrika we have so many diamonds that we don't need to wear the same diamond twice".

The Kiwi (obviously impressed by this) drinks his beer throw his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glass that we don't need to drink out of the same cup twice".

The Australian then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi."

(For North Americans not 'in the know', there are many Kiwi immigrants in Australia.)

[dirty_scraps83]

An Aussie, a Kiwi and an African American in the hospital waiting room expecting to be proud fathers for the first time very soon.
Suddenly the door to the waiting room burst open and the doctor runs in!
"Congratulations Guys! You're all proud fathers of healthy baby boys and coincidentally they were all born with in seconds of each other!!" Say's the Doctor excitedly. "One problem tho... in the confusion of all these births we got a little confused and we're not sure who's baby is who's."
The Aussie is out of his seat as fast as you like and into the maternity ward, immediatly picking up the black baby, obviously the African Americans child, and starts to run out of the hospital.
"Wait, wait!!" Shouts the doctor. "That's definitly not your baby!!"
"I know!" yells the Aussie on the hoof out the front door.
"... But one of the other two baby's is a Kiwi and I'm not taking the chance!!!"

[Hanson]

A personal favourite...

Two families move from India to Australia.
When they arrive the two fathers make a bet.
In a year's time whichever family has become more Australian will win. A
year later they meet again: The first man says, "My son is playing AFL,
I had a meat pie with sauce for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of VB, how about you? "The second man replies, "F..k off
towelhead."

[Hanson]

3 aussies and 3 kiwis were going to a conference by train. the 3 kiwis all bought tickets, and the kiwis only bought one ticket. The aussies didn't understand why and asked the kiwi's "How are you supposed to get there with only one ticket??" and the kiwis said "just wait and see.' So they all got on the train. The aussies sat down and watched as the kiwis crammed all three of them into a small bathroom. The train started moving and then the ticket collector came along and knocked on the door of the toilet and said "Ticket please." and out from the toilet came a hand with the ticket. The aussies were very impressed. So on their way back from the conference the aussies decided to only buy one ticket and the kiwis didn't buy any! The aussies were puzzled and asked how they were gonna get home with no ticket. They told them to just wait and see. So they all got on the train and the two groups crammed into two small bathrooms. As soon as the train had started moving, one of the kiwi's got out of the bathroom and knocked on the door of the bathroom that the aussies were in and said "Ticket please"

[Hanson]

Those two are recycled from here:

http://forums.eslcafe.com/korea/viewtopic.php?t=74881&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=30

[Czarjorge]

I don't know of any specifically US/Canadian jokes. The problem is when someone from the US meets a Canadian, and the Canuck says "Hey, I'm from Canada" that is the joke.

[Sleepy in Seoul]

One year the Wallabies were in Wellington for a match against the All Blacks and one of the Wallaby players had a one night fling with a local girl. He never thought much about it beyond a bit of fun and not long after, his form slumped and he was dropped from the Australian team. Four years later, he was again picked to play for Australia, again in Wellington. As he was walking down Cuba St, he saw the same girl that he had slept with four years before. And she had a wee boy about three years old with her. And the boy looked a lot like him!!

He was amazed that they could meet up again, so he rushed up to her exclaiming, 'Hello!! Do you remember me?'
The girl answered, 'Yes, of course.'
The Wallaby said, 'Is this your son?'
The girl replied, "Well, yes.'
The Wallaby asked, 'Why didn't you tell me? I gave you my phone number, or you could have contacted the Australian Rugby Union, and they would have passed any message on!'
The girl said,'Well, after I found out I was pregnant, I had to tell the family. Then all the whanau got together, all the grandmothers, grandfathers, cuzzies... everyone. After a long discussion, we finally decided that we would rather have a b*stard in the family than an Australian.'

[jetrash]

famed wit, noel coward was in a lift at the BBC going to an interview.
some guy in the lift said to him "wow,Mr Coward,say something funny"




noel coward thought for a moment,then replied "australia"

[DRAMA OVERKILL]

[DRAMA OVERKILL]

God On The 8th Day

Everyone knows the story of God creating the world in 6 days, and resting on the 7th....well on the 8th day, God and the angle Gabriel were looking down on the world and God says to Gabriel "I am happy with my creating Gabriel, so happy in fact that today I will create the best land in the world and I will call this land Canada. Oh Gabriel, it will be most beautiful. I will give it tall majestic mountains, and wide open prairies...I will give it not 1, not even 2, but 3 oceans...I will cover this land in rich green forests, deep blue lakes, crystal clear rivers and beautiful wild life for them to enjoy..I will let them experience all 4 seasons and I will populate this land with all different types of people...nothing but the kindest, gentlest most caring people in the world...and they shall be known as Canadians...These Canadians will be known around the world for their friendliness, and compassion for others, and will be well respected by all..they will rise up in the face of tyranny, and help crush evil that threatens the world. They will be intellegent, and use this intellegence for the good of the world...." God keeps going on like this for awhile..and this whole time Gabriel has become quite worried so finally he says.."God, I don't mean to question you, but don't you think that you may be giving these Canadians a little to much?"...God looks upon Gabriel and smiles...then says "Don't worry Gabriel....wait until you see the neighbours I am giving them!"

[DRAMA OVERKILL]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No... I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse...your call.

[DRAMA OVERKILL]

Newfoundland Declares War On The U.S.A.

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. �Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?� George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

Lard T'underin' bye", said Archie, I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie,� I�ll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

[Pligganease]

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

______________________

A guy sitting was at an airport bar and noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, Wow, she is so gorgeous, she must be a flight attendant.

So he decides to scoot towards her and try to pick her up, but couldn't think of a pick up line.

After thinking for a while, he turns towards her and says, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gives him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thinks to himself, Oh crap, she mustn't fly for Delta.

So he thinks of something else and says, "Something special in the air?"

She gives him the same confused look. He thinks, Damn! She must not fly for American.

So next he says, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies."

When suddenly the woman, irritated beyond belief with this guy, barks out, "Man, what the hell do you want?"

The man in a relieved voice says "Ahhh, Air Canada."

____________________________________

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."

_________________________________

A Scotsman was visiting a museum of natural history in Canada when he came upon a huge stuffed bull moose with enormous antlers.

Surprised, he exclaimed in his Scottish burr, "Woots that!?"

When told by the curator that is was a moose, he replied, "If that's a moose, I'd hate to see your caats!"

____________________________________________

The Spanish Conquistadores were making a map of their colonies (they owned all of America, South and North). They started drawing in the lines from down south - territory they knew well - and worked their way up.

Everything was going fine until they got to the New York area. "Hey, what's up there?" the map maker asked the governor, pointing to the vast emptiness above the Great Lakes.

The governor answered: "Here? (in Spanish: "Aca?"). Nothing (in Spanish: "Nada").

Hence the great blank emptiness became known as ACA-NADA, or in English, "There ain't nothin' here."

_________________________________-

There once was an documentary filmmaker who's life long dream it was to be a Canadian. One day, the man finally got the guts to go and see his doctor about it. The doctor examined him and gave him the prognosis, "Well, if you really want to be a Canadian there is a surgery I can perform, but I have to remove 1/3 of your brain."

"Sounds great, doctor. When can we start?" asked the filmmaker.

During the surgery however, the doctor's hand slipped. The doctor was so upset that he sat next to the man in the recovery room until he woke up.

Finally, the filmmaker woke up. The doctor immediately explain what happened, and told the filmmaker, "I am so sorry sir, my hand slipped during the surgery and I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain instead of 1/3."

The filmmaker looked confused and replied "Je ne comprends pas, monsieur."

[yawarakaijin]

[Khenan]