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Nov. 10, 2008.

This just in: The U.S. Supreme Court, meeting in emergency session, after hearing an appeal from newly elected President Ken Lay, reversed all the criminal and civil convictions against the former head of Enron.

President Lay was elected on a promise to grow America's GDP by 7 percent per year for each of the next four years. He also promised to reduce unemployment to zero, inflation to zero, while increasing the average American's wages by 25 percent.

Ken Lay was a last minute selection by the Republican Party, after a series of stinging television commercials by the conservative Christian Coalition for Truth convinced delegates that John McCain, a pilot who claimed to have been shot down and taken prisoner during the Vietnam war, was a traitor to his country who had actually gone AWOL, cooperating with the North Vietnamese, and had been living in luxury a real Hanoi hotel while supposedly a POW at the "Hanoi Hilton" prison.

Lay went on the win the presidency with 78 percent of the vote, one of the largest landslides in the nation's history.

Following the Supreme Court's decision, President Lay announced the first stage of his plan to stimulate the U.S. economy.

The crown jewel of that plan is a series of federally funded ski resorts, the first three to be located in Moscow, Texas; Okeechobee, Florida; and Medicine Lodge, Kansas. Lay promised the ski resorts would be built to world class standards and be used to help train future Olympic athletes. They would also stimulate tourism to otherwise depressed areas. And finally, they would help increase America's prestige in eyes of the world as a sports powerhouse.

Although there are no mountains in any of those locations, or even hills, President Lay said he would build them from material excavated elsewhere. Which brought him to the cornerstone of his economic revival plan.

To increase the nation's economic muscle, President Lay unveiled plans to build a canal connecting the Mississippi and Colorado rivers. Lay said it was manifest destiny that one day the nation's two mightiest rivers be connected. By connecting the rivers with a series of canals and locks to service oil tankers, container ships and freighters, the President said transportation costs for business and industry would be vastly reduced.

The canal and lock system would be an engineering marvel, President Lay promised, that would help draw international tourism to areas of the dull, desert Southwest, including Arizona, a state sadly lacking in breathtaking industrial scenery.

President Lay also announced plans to change the standards for High Definition television broadcasting. Instead of the long established standard 6 mhz broadcast channels, Lay said the nation would switch to 10 mhz channels. The reason for this change, he said, was to help bring America in line with metric standards and to improve the viewing experience.

All broadcasters must abandon their current analog transmitters within weeks and switch to digital HD broadcasts, but the changeover has been slowed by a lack of written standards.

President Lay said he had a series of other modifications to the HD standards in mind, but would not disclose them to the press. He said they would be unveiled when he felt like it in the coming weeks. But he did not want the standards to be put in writing, as they needed to be fine tuned.

Lay instructed broadcasters to submit their application for HD transmitters to one of the six regional FCC offices in person so that they can be interviewed by regulators. The plans must be written in Latin, submitted in triplicate within sealed, notarized and apostilled envelopes and they would be approved on a case by case basis. Broadcast station employees will all be required to take a thorough physical exam and be tested for drug and alcohol use before the permit is approved. However, station owners will be exempt from this requirement.

And finally, the President announced his "PEP up America" plan, which will begin in the state of Florida.

The goal of the PEP plan is to rid Florida of fire ants, mosquitoes and no seeums by enclosing the Sunshine State in plastic and fumigating it five days a week during spring and summer months. Residents should breath deeply during the fumigation, Lay advised, because pesticides are good for you. PEP stands for "pest extermination plan."

As a secondary benefit, the President predicted that the PEP plan would virtually eliminate the threat of bird flu. If successful, President Lay said the PEP plan would be extended to the rest of America, Inc.

[CeleryMan]

Very rich commentary, I mean it.

[Hyeon Een]

Nice-uh. Very amusing. The Current Events guys would love to tear it apart..