Korean Job Discussion Forums

[byunhosa]

My (Korean) sister-in-law is living in the U.S., and has been for more than 12 years. It seems that recently my nephew has become the target of some very cruel bullying, which has gotten worse and worse. The bullying definitely has a racial element to it (the kids have been taunting his name and using crude sexual/racial epithets), and my sister-in-law and her husband have been very frustrated by the school's inability to stop it.

They are seriously contemplating returning to Korea, but frankly I think my nephew would have an even harder time here. Besides being a little nerdy, his Korean is mediocre at best and he is now a fully "Americanized" kid. Selfishly, I am also concerned that the situation has really dimmed my wife's already skeptical views about living in the U.S., as my sister-in-law's difficulties seem to be (rightly or wrongly) ascribed to racism in nearly every case.

I've tried to convince my wife that kids doing cruel and stupid things can happen anywhere, and nearly everyone has to work through these problems, but my wife is in denial that these same problems exist in Korea (of course, my wife also believes there is no prostitution in Korea other than in Itaewon and perpetuated by foreigners, so you can imagine the level of obtuse provincialism I am dealing with here ). This has really complicated the task of convincing my wife to someday settle in the U.S. (I don't mean to be callous to my nephew's problems, I am trying to help him as well).


I wanted to get the board's take on bullying in Korean schools: How widespread is it? Also, do you know of any gyopo students who re-immigrated? If so, how are they treated?

Thanks in advance for helpful responses.

[nomad-ish]

^ i had one student that i thought was a gyopo in my school, he didn't seem to have any problems (but then again, i only saw him for about 45min a week)

on a side note, sometimes the neighbourhood elementary kids chase me when i'm walking home, one girl in particular. anyway she starts bugging me one day when i'm talking to this old lady. the kid has a great ol' time standing right in front of me and staring at the foreigner, then the old woman turns to me and says, "Look, she's a foreigner too!" (pointing at the kid)... the girl had very light coloured eyes. well, the look on the girl's face was priceless. needless to say, she's never come up to stare at me again.

[Zaria32]

Bullying is not something that very many American schools take seriously. I think you sister-in-law needs to escalate her attempts to get the US school to take it seriously.

1) Talk to the principal of the school once more, and pleasantly tell him that your next step will be district administration if there is no improvement.
2) Go to district administration...have a well written letter (clear, concise etc) detailing the problems, and prior efforts to solve it with the principal.
Explain that regretfully if no effective action is taken, you will go to the state board of education.
3) Go to the state board of education..have the same well written letter, with additions of having gone to the district level. Explain that regretfully, your only remaining course of action if the state board is not able to help is a) calling newspapers, and b) commencing a legal action.

Keep detailed records of who you talk to (NEVER talk to anyone on the phone without making it very plain, politely, to that person that you are writing down their name, title and the date and time of your conversation, and that you're taking notes on the conversation) and keep copies of ALL correspondence.

Twenty-five years ago my son was deliberately injured by his 5th grade teacher. I followed the program set out above (with the addition that I called the police, who told me there was nothing they could do) By careful record keeping, detailed notes on conversations etc. and follow-up, follow-up, follow-up I finally managed to have the teacher charged with felonious assault and she went to jail for two years and lost her teaching license.

Bullying is much more serious than most people realize.

[mrgiles]

of course bullying happens here at my school - and the bullies and victims are the expected types of kids. but the 5 kids who grew up in north america, and the one who lived in oz don't seem to get picked on, but rather respected. i guess it helps that they're all nice, and viewed as "normal" kids...

i feel sorry for the kids that don't get any attention from their peers, even bullying. being a wangdda (nigel no friends) here is a lot worse than it is for kids like that back home.

[Jeweltone]

I worked at one of the Seoul POLY Returnee Institutes, and I can attest to the fact that there is a significant amount of bullying that goes on, especially if the child is different in any way. My students were highly articulate/fluent, and could (and would) talk about their bullying experiences with surprising candor - it is not a pretty sight, and remember that the students spend significant amounts of time unsupervised in the Korean classrooms...You get the picture. Bullying is a problem worldwide, but I think it is especially hard on returnees/gyopos in Korea.

That said, many students do adapt to their new environment; it is entirely up to them how well the students "blend in" to the kid culture surrounding them. I call it "The Tallest Nail Gets Pounded (Eastern mindset) vs. The Squeaky Wheel Gets Oiled (Wester mindset)." If the child is adaptable, he will eventually be accepted. If he is not, then he will struggle. (I have done some research on this topic and have presented at a minor teacher conference; if you are interested, or want some source material, PM me for more details.)

Where is your nephew in the United States? Certain regions are still pretty closed-minded in some rural areas (the Midwest and South come to mind - I speak from experience). My returnee students from North Carolina (yes, there is a Korean community there!) seemed to have had some serious issues in the public schools in particular. Maybe the family could move to a larger urban area, where there is usually a more open attitude towards minorities....The teasing has got to stop, regardless, and the teachers and administrators must become involved. Easier said than done, sometimes, especially with the nation-wide educational budget cuts. I think it is a bit drastic, however, to leave the country because of a problem like this. America is a big country, after all, and there are places that are definitely more accepting of non-native citizens.

Sorry this is so long-winded and rambling - hope it helps.

[TheChickenLover]

Schools are legally responsible for bullying that happens on their grounds during school hours. If her nephew has to do counselling or therapy due to the stress of bullying, she can easily file a claim against the school & win.

Schools will then deal with the problem very quickly.

Chicken

[Mix1]

The social hierarchy in Korea practically dictates bullying. They love ordering each other around if they can. But at least there aren't as many wanna be thugs in Korea as there are in the US.
Still, if he looks Korean, and is slightly nerdy (as you say) then he should fit right in here. Unfortunately for him, if he goes to a Korean school, he might actually have to start studying (gasp).

[byunhosa]

Thanks for the responses.

My sister-in-law lives in northern NJ, not far from NYC. There are a ton of Koreans in the general area, but not many at all in the suburb they live in. They originally immigrated to one of the towns with a huge Korean population, but have since moved out to a more affluent town with a better school district, but it is distinctly whiter (still nothing like a rural or Southern area in the U.S., of course). I don't think they want to return to a more "Korean" town as it would be a step down the racial/cultural ladder (as well as defeat the purpose of immigration). Plus, as I mentioned, although my nephew went to Korean school (basically a hagwon for gyopos) for some time, his Korean is not nearly as good as his little sister's and he is very Americanized, so he would likely face some integration problems in a more Korean school as well.

My nephew was dealing with the problems OK until recently. Apparently, his parents asked if he wanted to move to another school district, and he said he could make it with the help of his best friend, Sean. But apparently Sean has turned on him and now is one of the antagonists, making it much worse. I really hope and pray the situation can be resolved; it has made my sister-in-law and her family very frustrated and bitter. I've certainly offered my help and will continue to do so.

I'm not asking for anyone's suggestions on what to do about it (that is being taken care of), but rather insights into the situations in Korean schools, especially for non-native kids.

[Fresh Prince]

I would suggest talking to the nephew to find out if there are any other reasons for the bullying. It could be that his parents are raising him in a Korean fashion, unaware of the key differences between Korean and U.S. social norms.

Does he wear clothing that is ill-fitting, out of fashion, or on the cheaper side? Does he participate in sports? Sports are very important for peer acceptance in the U.S.--football in the fall, basketball in the winter, baseball in the spring, something else in the summer. What about social skills? Does he study all day instead of doing something to interact with students his same age? Does he project confidence, or is he a shy kid that walks around with his head down? All of these things will make a kid a target for bullying.

[byunhosa]

Good grief, I know you all are just trying to help, but I am NOT asking for advice on what to do about the bullying of my nephew. I don't go to anonymous message boards to get personalized advice. All of the approaches proposed are already being pursued (and frankly are pretty bleeping obvious). I described that situation as background context to my question.

I am asking you all, as ESL teachers, about bullying in Korean schools and the prospects of a gyopo successfully re-integrating, should my sister-in-law's family make that decision. I am curious as to your experiences here.

Helpful, on-point posts are welcome!

tx

[RACETRAITOR]

There is bullying here. Usually the kid targetted is called 왕따.

I heard a story recently from my wife (so the details are fuzzy) that one boy suddenly one day snapped and became extremely violent. He even hit his mom. The school expelled him, and he was sent to a psychiatrist. The psychatrist discovered that this kid had been bullied for years by a group of other students. They would tie him to a chair and sexually abuse him (unclear about what they did exactly but I know they removed his pants). And that's the reason he went over the edge.

So the mother brought the complaint to the school, who didn't care. The teacher turned out to know this was going on. She told the mother basically "Your son has a serious problem. These boys have been abusing lots of students the same way, and none of them have gone crazy. Some of them are actually our top students." So basically this boy was expelled and given what is now probably permanent psychological trauma for being angry about being bullied.


By the way, I'm not convinced that the bullying of this kid in the OP's story is racially motivated. If you're bullying somebody, you pick out the things that you think will bother them and use them against them. Call them fat, make fun of their crappy clothes, or their race. It doesn't mean you hate fat people or cheap clothes or that race, just that you're torturing this one individual using all tools available.

[nomad-ish]

if he gets picked on there, chances are he'll get picked on here. kids everywhere sense the weakest link and some will pick on it.

that being said, with the bullying that i see going on with the "pure-blood" koreans in my public school, i doubt he'll have that much of an easier time if he is very obviously awkward, nerdy or insecure.

[rhinocharge64]

With an attitude like that perhaps no more help forthcoming. What an unbelieveable attitude!!!

[RACETRAITOR]

Let's face it--Koreans tend to be studious. In western schools nobody likes the smart kid. Hence, the Asian students get bullied a lot.

[Yu_Bum_suk]

It does happen but it's more of an ostracisating nature. Students who are very different, very ugly, or very beautiful (more so with girls) sometimes get continually excluded by their peers. Sometimes teachers try to do something about it but it's very hard to make kids accept others. How old is your nephew? I can't imagine many kids who are in their teens really enjoying the Korean educational system after growing up in America, unless they're really into studying and enjoy being a passive learner (all day long).