Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Omkara]

I've a question for the ladies.

I've been dating a sweet korean girl for a few months now. We get along well, etc. She's a great girl, and I respect her. When I got into the relationship, I thought that maybe she could be the one. But, after some time, I came to realize that to walk in the direction of the chapel with her would be a mistake on many levels. It is something I have no intention of doing with her. The language barrier, culture barrier, etc., would be just too much.

I told her as much, and she understood. I told her that if she wanted to marry and have a family, that she should continue to look for that man, that she was free to date other men, that I would understand if she needed to end the relationship with me. She has continued to see me.

So, in short, we are having a non-traditional realationship (especially in the Korean world view) in that we have no intention to marry. I have been honest with her. Yet, I worry that I have trapped her. She's at that majical korean number: 30. And, no doubt about it, marriage is important in this culture.

I'm not sure she could leave me if she wanted to. She says she's happy to be in this kind of relationship. But a female co-teacher tells me that I don't understand female psychology and that this girl probably cries when she is alone.

Would you break it off?

I'm sure I'll get some crap answers here; but sometimes there are insightful people here.

[Atavistic]

I hope to God you're double-wrapping, unless you want an oops baby.

I had more written, but eh, I'll save it.

[peppermint]

I've been in her shoes. The crying when she's alone phase was probably before you came right out and told her. She's a grown woman who can make her own decisions- you've been honest with her, and that's all that can really be expected of you. Eventually, she'll probably decide that she deserves better, and move on.

I've gotta say, I think your reasons for pulling back are weak. If the problem was that great, you'd end it outright.

[Omkara]

No, my reasons for pulling back are not weak. The understanding is at my core. I realized it clearly in a moment. It's not that she's not good enough. She's a great girl. It's clearly just not right.

I'd be willing to go the distance with any culture, provided that the connection were strong enough with the person. In this case, it's just not strong enough, and learning more language would not solve the issue. The level of conversation and understanding that could never sufficiently develop here.

I think the double wrapping, though in jest, points to a central and important consideration. I've thought in the past that I'd never sleep with someone I'd not at once accept having a child with. Life has a way of complicating things. . .

We both get language from each other, as well as company and affection; but, . . . I just wonder the wisdom of keeping this going.

I feel fine about it, and then I get things like I got from my co-teacher, telling me I'm selfish, that I should marry her (my god! the pressure to marry in this culture!), that she cannot be happy this way. . .

[Atavistic]

1) I was absolutely NOT speaking in jest.

2) If you were actually feeling "fine" with it, you wouldn't be posting here, looking for advice.

[Stormy]

I agree with Atavistic....you're obviously not fine with it.

You're both adults and as long as you're having fun and no-one is getting hurt then enjoy yourself, but you're obviously not just having fun if you're wanting advice about it.

Is it worth the guilt you're obviously feeling? Is it worth the grief from your co-teacher?

If it is then keep enjoying yourself. If not, be a man and break it off.

[Omkara]

[endo]

OP,

Dude I feel where you're comming from.



There are plenty of wonderful women out there, but it's not in a mans nature to settle down. That's why the idea of marriage scares the hell out of us!

Marriage feels like a trap. But it's a necessary institution to domesticate us wild savage males.

[Otherside]

If you're feeling a bit of guilt from what a co-worker said, can you imagine the kind of comments that are going in her direction from friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances, etc.

Have you considered that one of the reasons she is staying with you, is that she is hoping to turn you around, and perhaps change your mind on the matter in the future?

There are no real solutions to this, but have you asked her what she wants? (not is she ok with this...but what she wants..) if she's on a different page to you (i.e. marriage), unless one of you change (i mean you...) this will end in tears.

My 2c, You bill is in the mail.

[Omkara]

Thanks, all.

Yeah, it is not in a man's nature to settle! I told her that I must feel free. it's not so much that I need to be with other women as it is that I need to feel free. When my freedom is threatened, my brain goes crazy. . .

My gf has never personally treatened that freedom. This culture, on the other hand, has tried to categorize what a man and a woman should be and hence has made me less than comfortable. . .

I was reading an interesting article on the psychological aspects of back pain. It turns out that a large portion of men with serious back pain just happen to be on the way to the alter.

Yes, I've thought that she keeps the desire that I'll change my mind in the back of her mind. In fact, it's obvious.

I want to treat her right, so that she comes out of this in a better place than that she was in when she came into it. That is, enriched and more confident. I think a few tears are worth growth in many cases.

I also want to grow by it.

As far as what my co-worker feels, she's around 50, single, and feels she has to hide the fact that she's never married. She told me that if she ever met a man and brought him home without being married to him, people would talk and that would threaten her position as a teacher.

My gf has a fairly open mind, and has expressed that she is open to this kind of relationship. She has read from this man's teachings:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ocbZhRQS9I

Yet, our pyschology is evolutionarily programmed. . .and she does want family.

[Omkara]

Isn't this it?

may i feel said he
(i'll squeal said she
just once said he)
it's fun said she


(may i touch said he
how much said she
a lot said he)
why not said she


(let's go said he
not too far said she
what's too far said he
where you are said she)


may i stay said he
(which way said she
like this said he
if you kiss said she


may i move said he
is it love said she)
if you're willing said he
(but you're killing said she


but it's life said he
but your wife said she
now said he)
ow said she


(tiptop said he
don't stop said she
oh no said he)
go slow said she


(cccome?said he
ummm said she)
you're divine!said he
(you are Mine said she)

[Benicio]

Well, I can share an experience:

My dad, after his 2nd divorce, eventually started dating a woman 19 years younger than him. She was still in her 20's and they seemed to be having a good time.
This good time turned into 5 years and she was starting to think about the future.
He had no intention of another marriage and more kids.
While it seemed they were still having a good time, it started to become clear that she was kind of hoping he would change his mind.
One of his points to her was that she had no business marrying an old man like him and becoming a widow too young.

Anyway, he finally told her that they had to end it.

It was painful for both of them, but it had to be done.

She found a guy closer to her age who wanted marriage and kids and my dad eventually started dating a woman his own age who already had 2 young adults and didn't want any more.

If you are absolutely sure you don't want to marry this woman, you should think about letting her go. It will not be easy, but it sounds like she needs to find that guy who wants what she wants.
Right now, she is just settling for being comfortable with you.
I'm sure she doesn't want to be alone.

There will be a lot of tears. Good luck!

PS- don't take marriage advice from Koreans. They are always getting married to people they don't really love due to obligations or the feeling that they just have to get married. It's like to whom is not even important. That's why you see so many "happy" marriages here.

[Benicio]

Anyway, I'm sure that you have surmised that a 50 year old single, never married is not the place to get marriage advice.

You have been honest with the girl and that has been the right thing.

You have to ask yourself if she is being honest with herself.

Many women try to change or "fix" men. They usually fail and blame the man for it. Make sure she is not secretly hoping that you will come around.

[bassexpander]

You'll miss her a lot when she leaves.

[Adventurer]

I don't know if you can argue so much that it's not man's nature to settle and women's nature to settle. It is not as clear cut as it used to be considering that there are so many women who are not getting married. I've dated women where I was more serious than the woman. But, now, I don't really care about the dating scene or dating that much. I prefer to be solo for now, an enjoy my surroundings, chill, enjoy my friendships, and let things take their course, and I don't think quickly of someone being the love of my life or the like. It involves putting too much of my inner peace and happiness in the hands of someone else.