Korean Job Discussion Forums

Starla · Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Seoul

And I didn't go to visit her at the hospital like all the other Korean teachers in the school. I'm wondering if this will be seen as something negative. First the head teacher said I don't have to and then she approached me about it and said this is the Korean way when someone dies. She asked me if I'd like to go. I told her I was very tired which is the absolute truth but I don't think that sounded like a good excuse. She then started talking about how when somebody close to those you work in the school dies or when somebody in the school gets married, everybody chips in. I don't know if she wanted me to chip in but we just spoke about the cultural differences that exist between Korea and the U.S...that we don't make family deaths and weddings a company social and fundraising event...well, I didn't put it in those words. Smile

Going to the hospital would require me to work an hour or so longer than my regular working hours today. I'm not paid for this and don't feel I need to go, especially since I speak no Korean and this is not something that I would ever be made to do in my culture. Like all the other obligatory social functions I've attended, I would be the odd one out and bored out of my mind most of the time since all they speak is Korean obviously. If I'm expected to go and chip in, this kind of irks me since I'm not Korean and will never be one of them in their minds or my own. Do you think I did the right thing? Thoughts?

dmbfan · Joined: 09 Mar 2006

xCustomx · Joined: 06 Jan 2006

You should have gone, especially since it was your principal's mother. You might have been bored, but I'm sure your principal would have noticed you and just showing up and showing your condolences could go a looooong way towards your future relationships at the school. I think when you work at a public school, you should try to fit in as much as possible, whether this is going to funerals, going hiking with other teachers, attending staff meetings, participating in sports day, etc. If you want to get some extra vacation time then those small things can really add up and increase your chances.

overq64 · Joined: 08 Mar 2006

100% yes.

I think it is reasonable to bend a little to the host culture and some people make life hard for themselves by refusing quite moderate requests.

BUT - would they chip in if your family member died? Would they even give you time off to travel to the funeral or grieve? I doubt it.

We are in when it suits them and out when it doesn't.

You did the right thing by not chipping in and also - in my opinion - by not attending the social thing if you didn't want to.

They need to learn that non-Koreans separate work and personal life. So IMO should they.

dmbfan · Joined: 09 Mar 2006

xCustomx · Joined: 06 Jan 2006

Starla · Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Seoul

Thanks for the replies. I was given no notice about this since she just died in the last 24 hours so I assumed after my head teacher said I don't have to go the first time, that was what was expected of me. There have been instances when I've been told I didn't have to do certain things Korean teachers have to so I took it as such this time as well. When she asked me later if I'd like to go, I really didn't think I was being obligated since she didn't explicitly say it would be good if I went. Whatever the case, what's done is done. Maybe I will go get that condolence gift then. I wish Koreans would be more direct about these things. I'm not Korean and don't understand some of the cultural nuances that are so obvious to them. Plus I would never want the entire school to know that a close relative of mine died and that they gather around me for it. Maybe that's just me...

I'm no Picasso · Joined: 28 Oct 2008

theatrelily · Joined: 03 Jun 2004 Location: Haeundae-gu, Busan

I would have gone.

My principal's mother-in-law died while I was working at my public school and I went to the funeral.

(granted the funeral was just after the school day ended)

I didn't stay long. I didn't eat any of the food. I went in and greeted my principal, who looked genuinely shocked and thankful that I was there, bowed with my coworkers to the picture of the deceased and left. Took all of 20 minutes out of my life.

ESL Milk "Everyday · Joined: 12 Sep 2007

I don't know what your relationship is like with your principal, but I know that one of my co-workers wanted to go home because the woman who raised him was terminally ill, and the Korean bosses got angry at him for breaking the contract, and actually went so far as to call him 'weak' because he actually cried in front of his students over it.

Maybe you're really tight with your school's personnel, but I've spent a whole year in perfect harmony (I mean zero conflicts, no complaints that I heard about, and a lot of support) with co-workers who apparently raved about my teaching to my higher-ups, only to get absolutely nothing for a goodbye. I know this is a different situation, but still...

The really fucked up thing about it is, and please don't quote me on this because it might not be true, I sometimes think that the rule in Korea is that if someone has power over you, you are actually expected to feel more deeply for them and theirs than you would for someone who has no power over you... and if they are under you, it's perfectly okay if you feel absolutely nothing. Kind of like how if someone's older than you, you ask 'are you at peace?' for hello, instead of saying 'let's be at peace together'...

yeremy · Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 3:28 am Post subject: Re: Going to Funerals

You should go to funerals in Korea when 1) it's a family member, 2) it's a colleague, 3) it's a (close) friend, 4) when it's your boss, etc. Technically, your principal is your boss but not really your direct boss like they are to your co-teacher. So, I think it was okay for you not to go. I've lived here for ten years and been married to a Korean woman for 12 years and this is what I have learned, so far, about going to funerals.

You shouldn't go to a funeral if you don't have a "relationship" with that individual. It's really as simple as that, but the tricky part is knowing whether you do have a "relationship" with a distant person.

Your co-teacher knew when she told you that you didn't have to go. Later, when she asked you again, she was being nice. I heard about a funeral my senior co-teacher went to recently, of the wife of a colleague, but I don't know him and he's not in my circle, so I didn't go.

I do like the advice from the poster who suggested that you go for twenty minutes out of your life.

Join Me · Joined: 14 Jan 2008

A while back someone posted about a co-worker's relative dying and I said I wouldn't be wasting my time going to a funeral for the relative of a co-worker. Principal's mother? I would have been there with flowers. Think you made a bad political move on this one.

samcheokguy · Joined: 02 Nov 2008 Location: Samcheok G-do

Boss's mom? Why not? Can't hurt and can only help. Some people can't put two and two together can they?

Korussian · Joined: 15 Sep 2007

When my girlfriend's grandfather died, our boss, who oversaw 10 community centres including the FREE public library drop-in program where she worked, said my girlfriend couldn't go back to Canada for the funeral solely because "we already made the schedule, and there might be complaints". No "I'm sorry" or "my condolences" was provided.

Needless to say, my girlfriend went back to Canada for her grandfather's funeral, and magically there were no complaints.

OP: On the one hand, it never hurts to show up to support your principal in anything and everything. On the other, if you missed out on this funeral, don't sweat it. If something similar had befallen you, there's a 50% chance they'd surround you in support and a 50% chance they'd ignore it completely.

jadarite · Posted: Tue Nov 25, 2008 6:05 am Post subject:

Am I reading this right, they wanted you to go to a hospital to see a dead body? That's freaky stuff there. Not for me. Maybe if there was a burial, but that isn't something I would want to do.

I found my mother after she committed suicide, and when my aunt's brother in law passed away, we all chipped in to shovel some dirt over his casket (Jewish tradition), but something about going to a hospital to view a dead body is creepy. His death was a result of a severe case of diabetes which my uncle has. I remember having to visit him in the hospital.

So, I wouldn't feel bad. A simple, "I am sorry about your loss. Let's go out to eat, I'll pay" would be good enough.