Korean Job Discussion Forums

[ManintheMiddle]

True Confessions here: I'm married to a lovely, resourceful, loyal, and warm-hearted Chinese woman. It is the first marriage for both of us and we've been together eight years now. My wife is 17 years my junior (she's 35, I'm 52) and furthering complicating things is that she turns heads, Asian and Western. So she's perceived, albeit superficially, as a "good catch," rather than the dregs which is the popular perception, be it from Chinese, Korean, or Japanese men. It could and probably would be worse if she were Korean or Japanese.

So I spent our recent anniversary (which nearly coincided with the Lunar New Year--a far bigger deal in China I might add than elsewhere in Asia) serving as a reluctant umpire in an ongoing battle of the generations, made worse by her marriage to that most terrible of earthly entities: a Westerner.

This ritual occurs annually but this year the firecrackers went ballistic. I was looking in vain for a hardened bunker to hunker down in. One thing I've noticed in Asian mother-daughter spats is that they can get very personal, with the mother often not taking the higher road by virtue of her relative maturity, as I would expect in my own culture, at least among the older generation. Indeed, her mother often curses despite forbidding the practice under normal circumstances. I find this hypocritical (i.e. she always insists that I show more patience and wisdom when her daughter quarrels with me because of my age) but can't point it out because my language facility isn't good enough and my wife won't translate it anyhow. In short, my mother-in-law regards her relationship with her daughter as rightly unilateral. Preserving her entitlement to authority takes precedence over gaining a more equitable and loving relationship. She expects an obedient daughter--even at 35. And the word "self-reflective" isn't in her vocabulary.

This most recent bout began over whether my wife would abide by her mother's inevitable request to call her aunties, two of which she despises for good reason, and wish them well in the Year of the Ox. My wife hasn't learned the advantages of choosing her battles; she fights even these little skirmishes tooth and nail. Fact is, hers was a rather loveless child, but in the Western view of things. What I mean is that her parents felt their duty pretty much ended at boarding, feeding, and clothing her, save for the occasional cheap gift. No birthday parties, rarely any praise, but lots of criticism. (Her parents came of age during the Cultural Revolution, just to put this in context. Although bright, neither was able to go beyond junior middle school). They're always comparing her to her three cousins, only one of which was hugely successful academically. And, of course, when they do it, it's usually to show her up short.

Needless to say, she's harbored a reservoir of bitterness which she seldom shares even with me, only offering snippets of the past in passing. But during this most recent spat, which led to blows too, her mother shouted, "Why should I care about your feelings? No one ever cared about mine growing up." A-ha. The revelation I was waiting for: like mother like daughter. And so the cycle goes. Sometimes I find my wife resorting to this pattern of behavior even with me, but I usually call her out on it before it gets out-of-hand.

Now before you're left with an image of my mother-in-law as an ogre, let me say this in fairness: most of the time we get along just fine. She sometimes stays with us for a month or two at a stretch before returning home. She's a great cook and insists on fresh, hot meals twice a day. She's usually there with a ready laugh and guffaw. She's very sensitive, easy to fall into sentimental (like most Chinese), and quick with a quip. She goes shopping with my wife and seldom buys anything for herself, often buying for me instead, although I don't request it. Sometimes I believe that I'm the son she never had, which is another source of irritation--no, make that hurt--to my wife. Although raised in a very large Chinese city, my in-laws retain notions of grandeur with a son. Sure, they've come to accept having a daughter (she's one of five girls and each of them, my wife's cousins, are also girls, after all). But deep down is a nagging sense of disappointment that sometimes surfaces through nasty innuendo.

The biggest problem, however, is that my wife is never quite good enough in whatever she does (sound familiar?). She earns a 90 for a grade and her mom thinks it should have been a 95. She goes to a good college, but it's not one of the best. She gets a decent job and her mom thinks it's not reputable enough. She learns to speak English with complete proficiency and her mother, who speaks all of four words, thinks it's mainly because she's been around me. She gets married and stays married, but alas, it's to a waiguoren. Never mind that we pay them 7,000 RMB per month to live on (both lost their state-run jobs long ago) or that she calls nearly every night and often two or three times a day. Never mind that we visit them or they visit us several times a year. She still doesn't live near them 24-7. (sounding more familiar all the time?)

Well, in this latest battle royale, it was finally revealed that while they are always eminently polite to me, fussing over this and that, and ever grateful for the financial support, they think it's a situation that constitutes dealing with a necessary evil. They'd still rather have a Chinese son-in-law. And there at last is the rub.

So it puts enormous pressure on my wife, as you can well imagine. It could be worse, of course. I have a Western friend, a former colleague, who's been married to his Korean wife for a decade. And guess what? He's never met her parents once. They're from a good-sized city, fairly well educated and therefore urbane but they refused to let her marry a hairy ape. So, to her credit, she went with love and forsook her family. They've never so much as deigned to deviate from their defiant stance.
(sound familiar?)

Which leads me to the primary purpose for generating this thread: What have been your experiences with tenaciously traditional in-laws and how have you dealt with the situation, for better or worse?

(And if you're not in this boat but of course seriously involved with an Asian woman--or man--how is it affecting your relationship, assuming it's somewhat adverse, and how do you plan to change things, if at all?)

[Ilsanman]

The best way is to move halfway across the world.

You can't change people.

[moosehead]

that's one of the reasons why if I even THINK of getting married again - I go out and tie one one

[OneWayTraffic]

Wait until she dies. Unfortunately that may be about the same time as you.

Not much you can do about inlaws to be honest. Learning Chinese like a madman may help. That way at least you can fight fair in the disscussions.

Something to think about: If you and your wife have kids, who would you prefer they marry and why? I'm finding the distant possibility of my still young half Korean kids marrying Koreans a little disquieting. I feel like I could lose my NZness somehow. It's not logical at all.

And you always have the option of moving and cutting off contact.

I've been married, sometimes happily and sometimes not for 5 years now. See my MiL every week and wish my wife had her temper rather than her fathers, whom I've never met, even once.

[OneWayTraffic]

[FMPJ]

A good first step would be to get rid of the George Will avatar.

[Goku]

If it makes you feel any better, in laws (especially asian ones) are usually NEVER pleased at who their son/daughter marries.

It's the nature of being an in law. Your daughter/son will always be too good for whomever they choose.

Of course being white does exacerbate it because it's the most obviously defining characteristic about us.

But keep in mind, in laws hate everyone. My co-teachers (all of them that speak English) have told me that they have terrible relationships with their in laws. One woman in particular, her mother in law hated her so much she actually refused her daughter in laws help to make chuseok food. That's pretty insulting.

Oh and your mother in laws / wife relationship sounds exactly like a typical Confucian family stereotype paradigm exemplified by the joy luck club....

Good luck with that ^__^

[Juregen]

I seem to be he luckiest bastard in the world.

My in-laws have never ever judged me or whatever I do.
I am always greeted warmly, and they do not impose rules accept the bare minimum, which all seem fine by me.

[ImmatureDouche]

I know a guy who married a Korean woman. He, like many members of this forum, taught English in Korea. Perhaps he was luckier than most because he got to teach in a private high school which is relatively free of douchebags.

For all I know he was treated with love and respect by the in-laws, which is surprising given this was 10 ~ 15 years ago. His father-in-law made sure he adjusted comfortably in his workplace, teaching him ways of Korean men and their workplace culture, even giving him wads of cash so that he could buy his fellow teachers a drink (plus the usual samgyupsal, bulgogi, etc) when his wife got pregnant. I don't think he had much problems in the in-law department; perhaps it all comes down to individuals and their socioeconomic status rather than culture/ethnicity... his wife's family was well-educated, mostly academic and rather affluent (in the money department). On the other hand, I know my friends back home suffering from the most obnoxious in-laws (low education, working in third tier jobs) whose antics go beyond what you described in your original post.

As for the guy I described above, he adjusted really well, learned to speak Korean, and was the first foreign person I met who wasn't regarded as waegooksaram by his Korean co-workers.

[Dazed and Confused]

I married a Korean man almsot 8 years ago. About a year into our marriage, I told my husband he could go to his mother's house alone or get divorced. I don't go to birthdays, marriages, funerals, holidays, or any other family event. Believe it or not we are happily married.

[Unposter]

As always take advice with a grain of salt but here you go:

Next time they fight don't hold back your feelings. Fight too. If your MIL thinks you will passively watch what is going on she will feel empowered. You are the man and in East Asia that means you set the limits.

Or follow Dazed and Confused's advice and just don't go.

It is your life. Lead it the way you want to. Don't let your MIL dictate your conditions.

[ImmatureDouche]

[R-Seoul]

Parenticide

[samd]

[Alyssa]

You are 52!!!

You are older than my dad! I could never imagine my father going on a board asking for this kind of advice.