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AbbeFaria
Joined: 17 May 2005
Location: Gangnam
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 Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 7:11 am Post subject: Have any of you left children behind? |
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So, long story short, I came home after my first contract for a little vacation and wound up in a two week one-night stand with an ex-girlfriend. I go back to Korea and a month later find out I'm going to be a father. It was a bit shocking and I was pretty scared, but the fatherhood deal has turned out to not be so bad. The relationship, however, that didn't survive.
The girlfriend and I called it quits officially a few days ago and now I'm thinking strongly of returning and just supporting my son financially and getting home a couple times a year, for the time being but this is proving to be a difficult decision to make. He's about 17 months old and I love the little guy. The girlfriend, I'm not that worried about.
I'm in the financial services industry, which sucks right now, so I'm faced with the option of being poor, having a fairly unstable income, but being around or being financially stable but not being around as much.
Has anyone else had to go through this?
-S- |
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Cheonmunka
Joined: 04 Jun 2004
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| Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 1:57 pm Post subject: |
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Hi,
It seems your boy's mother hasn't asked for financing from you? It costs a lot to raise a child or children. You've got the need for a very secure house, constant decent food, insurances ... If she hasn't asked you, still putting a decent chunk of your earnings to him through trust will stand you in good stead, for any occurences in the future. I'd look into financing a mortgage for them, however it would get tricky if she met a new partner .... perhaps a house in your son's name ... You've gotta focus on them that they have security set up. What kind of advice do family groups/websites suggest in this situation? |
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michaelambling
Joined: 31 Dec 2008
Location: Paradise
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| Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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| Cheonmunka wrote: |
Hi,
It seems your boy's mother hasn't asked for financing from you? It costs a lot to raise a child or children. You've got the need for a very secure house, constant decent food, insurances ... If she hasn't asked you, still putting a decent chunk of your earnings to him through trust will stand you in good stead, for any occurences in the future. I'd look into financing a mortgage for them, however it would get tricky if she met a new partner .... perhaps a house in your son's name ... You've gotta focus on them that they have security set up. What kind of advice do family groups/websites suggest in this situation? |
i like the idea of a trust fund for university; sock some money every month away for him to collect when he's 18. As for whether to return to Korea to be with your son--that's a decision only you can make. |
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TheUrbanMyth
Joined: 28 Jan 2003
Location: Retired
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| Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 4:58 pm Post subject: |
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| michaelambling wrote: |
| Cheonmunka wrote: |
Hi,
It seems your boy's mother hasn't asked for financing from you? It costs a lot to raise a child or children. You've got the need for a very secure house, constant decent food, insurances ... If she hasn't asked you, still putting a decent chunk of your earnings to him through trust will stand you in good stead, for any occurences in the future. I'd look into financing a mortgage for them, however it would get tricky if she met a new partner .... perhaps a house in your son's name ... You've gotta focus on them that they have security set up. What kind of advice do family groups/websites suggest in this situation? |
i like the idea of a trust fund for university; sock some money every month away for him to collect when he's 18. As for whether to return to Korea to be with your son--that's a decision only you can make. |
He's IN Korea...his son is back home. |
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Robot_Teacher
Joined: 18 Feb 2009
Location: Robotting Around the World
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| Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I left behind my beloved Jack the cat if that qualifies as leaving a child behind. Here I am presenting a teacher from the land of, "No child left behind, " and I left one just to teach some kids in a faraway land who mean nothing to me and Jack nor my country men. Poor Jack and moms plants and everything need me, but Korea is not their place to be nor does any amount of money sent home replace me. |
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AbbeFaria
Joined: 17 May 2005
Location: Gangnam
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| Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 5:00 pm Post subject: |
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| michaelambling wrote: |
| i like the idea of a trust fund for university; sock some money every month away for him to collect when he's 18. As for whether to return to Korea to be with your son--that's a decision only you can make. |
We've already set up a college fund for him. However, I wasn't asking for people to make the decision for me, I was just looking for people that might have had a similar experience and could explain how it effected them and why they chose the path they did. My son and I are currently in the U.S., I would be going back to Korea and leaving him here with his mother, also American.
-S- |
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the ireland
Joined: 11 May 2008
Location: korea
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| Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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| can't give you any advice, but good luck with it, do whatever you feel is best for you and your kid. |
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Zantetsuken
Joined: 21 Dec 2008
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| Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 5:49 pm Post subject: |
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| AbbeFaria....I have a kid living in the states and a kid here too. If you have any questions you can PM me. Take care bro. |
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michaelambling
Joined: 31 Dec 2008
Location: Paradise
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| Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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| TheUrbanMyth wrote: |
| michaelambling wrote: |
| Cheonmunka wrote: |
Hi,
It seems your boy's mother hasn't asked for financing from you? It costs a lot to raise a child or children. You've got the need for a very secure house, constant decent food, insurances ... If she hasn't asked you, still putting a decent chunk of your earnings to him through trust will stand you in good stead, for any occurences in the future. I'd look into financing a mortgage for them, however it would get tricky if she met a new partner .... perhaps a house in your son's name ... You've gotta focus on them that they have security set up. What kind of advice do family groups/websites suggest in this situation? |
i like the idea of a trust fund for university; sock some money every month away for him to collect when he's 18. As for whether to return to Korea to be with your son--that's a decision only you can make. |
He's IN Korea...his son is back home. |
| Quote: |
| My son and I are currently in the U.S. |
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TheUrbanMyth
Joined: 28 Jan 2003
Location: Retired
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| Posted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 12:07 am Post subject: |
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| michaelambling wrote: |
| TheUrbanMyth wrote: |
| michaelambling wrote: |
| Cheonmunka wrote: |
Hi,
It seems your boy's mother hasn't asked for financing from you? It costs a lot to raise a child or children. You've got the need for a very secure house, constant decent food, insurances ... If she hasn't asked you, still putting a decent chunk of your earnings to him through trust will stand you in good stead, for any occurences in the future. I'd look into financing a mortgage for them, however it would get tricky if she met a new partner .... perhaps a house in your son's name ... You've gotta focus on them that they have security set up. What kind of advice do family groups/websites suggest in this situation? |
i like the idea of a trust fund for university; sock some money every month away for him to collect when he's 18. As for whether to return to Korea to be with your son--that's a decision only you can make. |
He's IN Korea...his son is back home. |
| Quote: |
| My son and I are currently in the U.S. |
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Which information wasn't in the post I was responding to. He said that he had returned to Korea and then learned he was a father. Then he said "I'm thinking of returning..." |
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blaseblasphemener
Joined: 01 Jun 2006
Location: There's a voice, keeps on calling me, down the road, that's where I'll always be
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| Posted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 12:50 am Post subject: |
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So the girl got a sperm-donor eh? Well done.
Been there, done that.
Here's the thing. #1: get DNA tested. 30% of women lie about who the father is.
#2: Even if he is your son, what happens when this young lady decides to get married to someone else? Guess what, she might be acting all-happy-to-see-you now, but that will change. Suddenly, you wont be important in this little guys life. Your checks will still be welcome though.
You have no parental rights, since you were not married. If you move back and she decides to move to Timbukto, you will not be able to stop her. This is called a powerless relationship. They suck. As well, if you decide to get married, how will you feel then?
Here's my advice: walk away. Keep sending checks through an intermediary (you have no choice), but unless you are willing to live at the whim of a woman who got knocked up and tricked you into 21 years of payments, you need to realise that what is best for everyone involved is for you to walk away. She will find another guy and that sucker will be the father to your son. Its a hard, cold reality, but you are in a lose-lose situation if you stay in your "son"'s life. Move on.
Dont forget the DNA test, quick, before you are on the hook for him when you ARENT even the father of the child. Thats the new legal reality. |
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AbbeFaria
Joined: 17 May 2005
Location: Gangnam
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| Posted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 11:12 am Post subject: |
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| blaseblasphemener wrote: |
So the girl got a sperm-donor eh? Well done.
Been there, done that.
Here's the thing. #1: get DNA tested. 30% of women lie about who the father is.
#2: Even if he is your son, what happens when this young lady decides to get married to someone else? Guess what, she might be acting all-happy-to-see-you now, but that will change. Suddenly, you wont be important in this little guys life. Your checks will still be welcome though.
You have no parental rights, since you were not married. If you move back and she decides to move to Timbukto, you will not be able to stop her. This is called a powerless relationship. They suck. As well, if you decide to get married, how will you feel then?
Here's my advice: walk away. Keep sending checks through an intermediary (you have no choice), but unless you are willing to live at the whim of a woman who got knocked up and tricked you into 21 years of payments, you need to realise that what is best for everyone involved is for you to walk away. She will find another guy and that sucker will be the father to your son. Its a hard, cold reality, but you are in a lose-lose situation if you stay in your "son"'s life. Move on.
Dont forget the DNA test, quick, before you are on the hook for him when you ARENT even the father of the child. Thats the new legal reality. |
I'm not quite that cynical about the whole thing. I know he's mine since he looks exactly like me. There's no doubt there.
And she doesn't act happy to see me now, that's why we are calling it quits.
I found out I was going to be a dad after I had returned from vacation and started a new contract. I was there about a month when I heard the news. I broke my contract early and came home. Luckily the boss was generous and didn't screw me over.
I'll still send the money back, although with the Won doing what it's doing I'll need to do a lot of privates to send back what I'd like to and still maintain a decent life here but it will rebound eventually.
-S- |
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itaewonguy
Joined: 25 Mar 2003
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| Posted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:49 pm Post subject: |
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you got to do whats best for you..
your son is only 17 months old.. if you remain in korea for a couple years try and save as much as you can then you can return home when he is going to start preschool 3 or 4 and then be a father figure for him..
its not going to be easy to be away from your son.. especially if you love him so much and don't like being away from him..
but as I said he is young now.. so make some money and then get back there... |
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